my journey to partial health and almost-hotness

if you've read my posts, you'll know that BF is a bodybuilder and that, despite his hotness, we first got together when i was a big girl. big girl is a bit of an uderstatement, i guess. what would be more accurate is that i was obese. i had the weight of 2 back-to-back pregnancies, as well as a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits on my ass.


even though BF has almost always had a very healthy lifestyle, he never did rub it in my face or pressure me to go to the gym. the only way i knew to lose my baby weight was to go for walks with the kids every day. i knew nothing about lifting weights or nutrition. when i ask BF why he didn't try to make me lead a healthier lifestyle back then, he said he knew i would see the light eventually because i was smart, and also that he didn't want me feel pressured. AND he liked my big butt. 


now, i'm glad that BF always said he loved me just the way i was, and that he always made me feel beautiful. but you know, shit like that can go to a girl's head. and it did. in the year after i left college after almost having a nervous breakdown {another post for another day}, i slowly and surely gained weight. this is partially due to the fact that i barely ever went anywhere and partially due to the boredom that eventually replaced the depression which led to over-eating and snacking at night. but BF still had me convinced that i was beautiful and desirable. until, of course, reality bitch-slapped me upside the head when i allowed my picture to be taken over christmas last year. 

this is "fat me", thinking i was plump, but still pretty hot.. or at least hot enough to wear that clingy shirt. UGH!!

looking at that pic nearly sent me into another depression. well, actually it did. i spent the next couple of weeks moping around the house in pjs or sweats, feeling like a big, ugly blob. BF was an absolute saint during this time, assuring me over and over that i was still beautiful. he also knew my history of anorexia, and would constantly be at me to make sure i was eating. 


since it was the in the dead of winter, i had no idea how i was going to lose the weight. so i finally asked BF for help. But i lacked motivation. and his schedule was so hectic that the only time he had to train me to lift weights was at night, after the kids were in bed. i was close to giving up, when i found THIS:

this was just a start, and as corny as it was, it was loads of fun!!

and so began my love/hate relationship with shawn t. it worked perfectly for me. i would take the supplements as directed by BF, and just pop in the dvd when #3 went down for her nap. then, if i had the energy, we would do weights in the evening.  

these are the supps i took. whey + a good carb for breakfast, and another before and after workouts. the N.O. Fury and B.C.A.A.'s were also taken 30-60 minutes before, and immediately after my workouts.


but, eventually i got bored. the hip hop abs was no longer a challenge and i absolutely HATE lifting weights. that's when i saw the infomercial for the insanity workout. it was done by the same shawn t. i remembered from my HHA dvds, and it also had one of the same girls. and holy sweet FUCK, was she ever ripped!! i could barely recognize her from the slightly geeky girl in the HHA!! i had found what i wanted to do! so, after some research and reading people's independent reviews and watching transformation videos and other shit on the internet, i decided to try it. and even though some of the reviews had me a little nervous because they all said how fucking hard this shit was {one guy was convinced shawn t. was trying to kill him!!}, i was NOT prepared for that first day. oh, sure.. i had my supps, my new cross trainers, and my boobs were strapped down so they wouldn't hit me in the face and kill me. but i was NOT ready.


the first day of the insanity workout is a fit test, which you repeat every couple weeks to guage your fitness level and track your progress. let me tell you, this shit is IN-FUCKING-SANE!! the fucking "warm-up" nearly killed me, and i couldn't even finish the dvd. i stopped about halfway through after nearly fainting and puking on the floor. i was so discouraged and angry with myself, but i decided to take a pic and keep pushing so that some day i would have a wicked fucking transformation too.

this is me, immediately after day 1's fit test. still fat, hence the troll face.

 even though i was totally disappointed with myself after my failed fit test, i kept at it. during the first 2 weeks, i was almost always sore, tired, and cranky. on more than one occasion, BF said i was suffering from symptoms of "overtraining" {loss of appetite, depression, etc.}, and advised me not to try to do the whole 6 day week of insanity. so we broke it down to 2 days on, 1 day off. it worked loads better! i was still able to take care of the house and kids without being completely exhausted, and i was seeing some nice results.

here i am 1 month after starting insanity, slightly less fat but feeling LOADS healthier

not long after that last pic was taken, i went out dancing for the first time in months. you see, BF had taught me that the average person will drink a whole DAY's worth of calorie in 1 night of drinking... so i hadn't been going out at all. or even having a beer at a friend's house. so it was a HUGE treat. but even though it was fun, sometimes i wish i hadn't gone. everyone we saw kept telling me how i good i looked, and how much weight i had lost. that went straight to my fucking head, let me tell ya. and the next day, i had the mother of all hangovers. needless to say, i didn't work out that day. and after a few days, i still hadn't popped my insanity dvd into the dvd player. i just kept finding reasons not to. it was summer time, i was tired, i HAD to visit this person or that person or their dog or whatever. 


the weight began to creep back, i was having beer every weekend again, and i was feeling really shitty about it. that's when i heard about a "biggest-loser" type challenge being held locally. i immediately signed up and paid the registration fee. at the first meeting, we were all asked what we hoped to get from this. everyone said almost the same thing: get healthy, get fit, etc.. when my turn came, i shocked myself {and everyone in the room} by saying, "i want to win!" after a moment of awkward silence, i quickly regurgitated the healthy/fit spiel i had heard from everyone else. 


i got home from the meeting with a renewed motivation, and i got straight to work. i made a pot of lentil and barley soup, got my food journal ready, and planned my week. i must say, i did amazingly well that first week. i started every day with 30 minutes of yoga, wrote down everything i ate or drank, went from a 2 pots of coffee a day to barely 1, and did insanity {2 days on, 1 day off}. at the next weekly meeting, i was sure i had lost a couple of pounds. i wasn't prepared to deal with the shock of being told i had lost 15lbs. 15 fucking lbs.. in 1 week!! i was well on my way to winning!!


i stayed with my schedule during the next couple of weeks, and my weight was dropping steadily at every weekly weigh-in. nothing as dramatic as my first week, but a good pound or 2 a week. but, you know how it is.. shit happens.. and shit did happen.


when the challenge was around halfway finished, i was invited to a party celebrating the wedding of a good friend of the family. BF and i decided to go, and have a few drinks and fun. he assured me that i wouldn't gain weight as long as i stuck to my schedule after the hangover day, and that i deserved the treat. not that i really needed any convincing to go. 


when we got to the party, i was looking and feeling pretty good. but thanks to my nearly non-existent level of alcohol tolerance, i was OBLITERATED by midnight. i was having a blast, dancing with friends and family. that's when the shit happened. "party rock anthem" came on, and i just had to shuffle my ass off with my pals. in 4" heels. drunk as fuck. not my best decision!! i went over on my ankle at least 3 times before limping to BF and sulkily asking him to take me home. 


i never did get my ankle checked out, and i should have, because BF is  still convinced it was broken. the only good thing about that is that it's a pretty accurate predictor of when a storm is coming. 


i ended up taking a lot of time off of insanity. it's a very high-impact work out, and i didn't want to do any more damage to my ankle. in the last couple weeks of the loser challenge, a couple of the girls were catching up to me. i didn't lose my lead, but i came pretty damn close. the only thing that saved me were the weekly challenges. the winner of these challenges were awarded 2lbs. off of their weight loss. i'm ashamed to say that i wanted to win so bad, that i went and did those stupid challenges anyway, even though i knew i was making my recovery time longer and doing more damage. but i ended up winning in the end, with a total weight loss of 20.5lbs in 12 weeks. the woman in 2nd place had lost 19.2lbs. close fucking call!!


after that, i stayed off my ankle and followed BF's orders. after 8 weeks, i tried an insanity workout, just to see how it felt. my ankle was sore, so i decided to wait a couple more weeks. 


i was pleasantly surprised the next time i tried. as you may remember, the fit test was day 1. my first fit test after breaking {?} my ankle shocked me. my numbers weren't better than the last one i had done, but they weren't worse. i hadn't gotten weaker, at least. 


currently, i am on week 2 of insanity. my ankle doesn't bother me anymore, thankfully. i'm hoping to be able to stick with it this time, and enter the Canadian First Nation Get Fit Challenge. i'm aiming for the fitness division rather than the weight loss division, and i'm hoping i can at least give the other ladies a run for their money. here's a pic of me now, partially healthy and almost hot. i still have a ways to go, but i know in the end it will be worth it. wish me luck!!!