for the men-folk

ok guys, let's just wait a second until all of the ladies have stepped out of the room, shall we? ok, good the coast is clear. 


now i know that as a man with a girlfriend, life can get hard. bitches be all up in your shit, trying to give you blowjobs and steak sandwiches while they're on the rag, because they want you to be fed and satisfied while their vagina is out of order. it's rough, i know. i mean, why in the hell would you want to put your dick in their mouth and have some purely selfish pleasure when you could just wait 5-7 days, right? and who the hell wants  big, tender slabs of red meat smothered with cheese between bread? again, you guys have it rough. but, take heart. i am here to help. with a few lessons from yours truly, you can be free of those pesky oral displays of affection as well as the dreaded sandwich. i'd like to add that these little tips and tricks work ALL MONTH LONG, if used correctly. you're welcome.




How to Avoid Blowjobs & Sandwiches

1. i assume you're familiar with the fabled cramps and/or headaches, right? if not, take a moment to google it. go on, i have plenty of time. ok.. everything you think you know about this shit is a lie. cramps are a myth. menstruation is just like the commercials make it out to be. we really just want to dance in slow motion and hold kittens. so when your little slutmuffin is on the couch, doubled over in purely fictional pain, ignore it. leave her home alone with the 3 kids {this works best when one or more is sick}, and make sure the place looks like a pig sty. 
2. if you're left to take care of the kids/house, don't lift a fucking finger. grab a different glass for everything you want to drink. if you're not thirsty, just grab a glass of something anyway. don't put shit in the sink, don't pick up your nasty ass gym socks, and let those kids run wild. nothin will keep a bitch off your dick like a bunch of dirty, hungry kids and a house that looks like the worst of Hoarders. added bonus: by the time she's done fixing shit back up, she'll be too tired to even think about that sandwich.
3. don't ask her how her day was or how she's feeling. the last thing you want to do is to appear considerate. instead, find something dumb to bitch about that she can relate to in no way at all, and don't let her get a word in.
4. don't hug, kiss, or otherwise show affection to her. shit like that gets your dick sucked, and we know you don't want that.
5. plop that ass in front of the TV and zone the fuck out, man. come out of your spin once every 35 minutes to bitch about how goddamned tired you are. {this works best on days when you have done absolutely FUCK ALL to make you tired, and she knows it}

now, fellas.. those are just a handful of ways to ensure that you don't have to choke down another horrible sandwich and those plump, juicy lips stay away from your trouser snake. there are countless other ways to dodge blowjobs and sandwiches; i've simply provided you with a starting point. get creative. expand your horizons. most importantly, share what you've learned. there's still plenty of men out there being put through the hell of what i've just taught you to avoid. help them, for  the love of god, HELP THEM.