shit i don't get, volume 1

there's a lot of shit about relationships i don't understand. fuck tons of shit. METRIC fuck tons. things like: why are men such whiny, crybaby, selfish assheads? why do they piss on the floor when they have an organ with which they have had their WHOLE GODDAMNED LIFE to perfect their aim? why am i such a bitch? what in the sweet flying fuck is so bad about going to the store for tampons? it can't be as bad as letting wifey out into PUBLIC braless and wearing her period pants, can it? what if she kills some dumb fuck who dares get between her and the midol and/or chocolate display? that's all on YOU, bro.

as you could see, i could probably go on for MONTHS about the shit i don't get about men and women and the shit they do when they decide to shackle themselves to each other and bang sometimes. but for the sake of this post, i'll stick with one thing: SHARING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. 

a lot of couples i know do the 'what's mine is yours' thing. you know, they share shit. shit like responsibilities, kids, money... but a FB account? and THAT totally fucks with my head. imagine trying to pm a BFF, knowing that her current house-penis could read that shit too. you don't really want him to know about your new spanx that you got half price, or the hilariously embarrassing sex queef story of '09... well not if you want to be able to make eye contact with him.

what about a guy friend or a male relative? all of a sudden, some chick has them pussy whipped to the point they start sharing a FB account. so when you go to message him with something like, "hey fuckhead, come over and smoke some weed and watch the game!!! bring some beer, asshole!! :)"..... only to be bombarded 34 seconds later by, "omg, who is this? what do you want? why are you swearing at my bf???" and then of course, you have to explain to the bitch how, 24 years ago, your mother's sister got married to fuckhead sr., they did the nasty and had a baby named fuckhead jr.... and that made you cousins and NO BITCH I DON'T WANT TO BANG YOUR MAN, CALM YOUR TITS. of course, you can't really say  it like THAT, because then he won't be allowed out to play with his friends anymore... know what i mean?

so, why? is it because they are so fucking edward and bella in love that they have to stay glued at the fucking hip, shoulder, AND head.. even in cyberspace? is it because one or both doesn't trust the other and wants to keep an eye on the other's online activity? or is it just a new way of bonding? ehh, i don't fucking know. but i'll tell you one thing. it's not near as bad as those sick fucks in the fifty shades of shit book that shared a toothbrush. fucking GAG!! excuse me while i reinsert my intestines...

of course, as with anything, it does work for some people. especially older couples. that shit is fucking cute. every time i see an old couple discover the book of face and make an account with both of their sweet little names on it, and some wedding pic as their profile pic... FUCK. that shit gets more "SQUEEEE!!!" out of me than all of the cats on the internet. no lie.

i think my head just exploded <3