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Friday, 3 February 2012

on bieber fever, twitches, and shitty music

what in the sweet FUCK is with tween bitches {from here on in, i will refer to them as twitches} these days? i know, i know. that question is asked by every generation of adults regarding the kids of the day. but really, WHAT THE FUCK?
you guessed it. the subject of my puzzlement and hatred is justin fucking bieber, who has been whipping twitches {and sometimes even their mothers} into screaming, crying, fucking psychotic frenzies. and over what? a little asshole whose balls {if s/he has 'em} haven't yet made the journey out of his/her abdominal cavity. 

*sighs* i remember pop music back in my day, when i was a stupid little twitch. and it is those memories that make me wish that justin timberlake would take a fucking break from the movies and come back to music to show the little twitches of today what shitty pop music REALLY is. come back, JT!! come back with a record-breaking, sickeningly sappy-sweet hit single filled with subtle innuendos that not even adults can decipher, enough moonwalking, gyrating moves to drive them wild but not enough to creep out the parents, and, FOR FUCK SAKES, includes you dancing shirtless in the rain for no apparent reason. crush this little pissant under your heel, and bring back shitty music in its pure, natural form!!!

ok, so before i get too wound up, let me make something clear. as a twitch, i was a DIEHARD backstreet boys fan, and felt not much more than resentment and distaste for 'n sync as they outshined and eventually demolished the subjects of my many fantasy weddings. but for the purpose of this blog, i am beseeching JT to return only because i don't know what the fuck happened to the BSB. one is/was in rehab.. i don't fucking know. the point is, they obviously can't change the minds of today's twitches any more than i can wear a fucking string bikini with confidence.  

i will now show you, dear readers, how JT {as he was in 'n sync's heyday, before the solo career} could make all of today's twitches forget about that cute little antichrist known as JB.

twitches from any generation are assholes. which is why i believe that things were better {and safer for delicate egos} in my day. you see, back then, we had something called BOY BANDS. nowadays, twitches are divided into two camps, pro-bieber and bieber haters; bitterly glaring, whispering and pointing at each other from opposite ends of the cafeteria. either you like him, or you get pecked to death by the scores of junior hens that do {do little girls still pull that shit?}. 
with boy bands, you had 3-5 boys to choose from, with 4763492 DIFFERENT fucking boy bands to choose them from. something for every-fucking-one. obviously, i am an advocate for the return of boy bands. and who was the hottest, most screamed, cried, and mooned over boy band frontman EVER? justin motherfuckin' timberlake!

another point to consider is age. when JT first made it big, he was 16. he had already gotten past the awkward voice changing and growth spurts. basically he was only going to get hotter. he was the perfect age for pre-teen AND teen crushes. old enough to be mysterious, but not old enough to be anyone's father {remember, this was before teen mom and all that bullshit}. another reason 90s twitches swooned over him, was that HE WAS NOT THEIR OWN FUCKING AGE, because everyone knows that male tweens are fucking ASSHOLES. their idea of trying to show affection to a girl is to torment them incessantly, shoot spitballs at the backs of their heads, and pull their fucking hair. well... maybe they aren't so far off with the hair pulling, since some women {like me!} do enjoy it during certain intimate occasions. perhaps it is an instinct of sorts, that goes back to the caveman days. in any case, i'd rather have JT pulling my hair in that context than... FUCK. never mind. forget those last few sentences. jesus christ. 

ANYWAY... moving the fuck on.. how old was JB when he "made it"? fucking 12 or 13. WHAT THE FUCK TWITCHES? did you not ever wonder then if he would suddenly undergo a catastrophic voice change, growth spurt, or acne explosion? granted, he seems to have survived to the ripe old age of 17 without any of these career-ending  physical changes, he had NO BUSINESS trying to break into the entertainment world when that shit was a possibility. anyone remember aaron carter? HA! didn't think so.

despite all of the awkward physical changes that DIDN'T happen, it is rather nice fodder for daydreams. i often giggle to myself at the mental image of a stringbean-esque, pizza-faced JB with a voice that alternates between chipmunk and lifetime crack smoker. 
and imagine the fucking gnashing of teeth and screaming in the streets if this shit WOULD HAVE happened to little JB!! fucking twitches would have brought civilization to its knees with that shit. 

moving on to looks. JB isn't ugly, he's actually a cute kid. and by cute i mean i'd ruffle his hair {oops how'd that gum get in my hand? darn. i guess you'll have to CUT THAT FUCKING MOP OFF!}, give him a cookie, and send him on his way. even back when i was a twitch, a boy so pretty that he could be considered a girl was questionable crush material.  i certainly wouldn't have had that kind of mug plastered all over my fucking walls, ceiling, and door. but JT? even though i am *not* a fan, i am not dead or blind. he was and still is fucking downright EDIBLE. he did have a baby face and pouty lips, but there was NO FUCKING WAY you'd mistake him for a chick. i knew he had sex appeal before i even knew what the fuck that was. 

i know this might not make a bit of difference. JB will more than likely continue to make shitty music and rake in billions of hard-earned money from frazzled parents who will do anything to get their little twitches to shut the fuck up.. but i have hope that someday, somehow JT will stumble upon this humble blog of mine and heed my pleas for help. it's not too late, JT! your star hasn't faded. your career has survived into your adulthood, and you're not merely famous due to drug addiction, multiple marriages, or drama whore-dom. while i am not normally a fan of your type of music, i have {and sometimes still do} jam to some of your tunes. quite frankly, despite my prior devotion to BSB, you have outshined them even in my current playlist. {fuck off right now! everyone has a guilty pleasure!}
and NOW you're in movies! SNL! you're actually funny and a decent actor! i'm sure all that is just fucking peachy for you, but the fact of the matter is that you are needed NOW back on the music scene! for the love of all that is shitty and gag-worthy in pop music, PLEASE knock this little puke into the abyss of has-been teen stars and shitty reality TV. i bet dr. drew is fucking SALIVATING at the chance to counsel this kid one day.  DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN! DO IT FOR THE FUCKING TWITCHES! i have a daughter, mr. timberlake. as do a lot of other parents. give them something, ANYTHING to drool over besides THIS


  1. heeeeeehehehehe. Ooohh Aaron Carter, what happened to you!??!!?

    1. hahaha i have no idea o.O
      he could have taken some pointers from his big brother!!