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Wednesday, 1 February 2012

the dick punch: a comprehensive guide

in today's society, asshatery and dougebaggery have become rampant, as well as the problem of fucktarditis, which has reached PANDEMIC proportions. since the world health organization has ignored my repeated attempts to have these important mental health issues brought to the forefront and discussed on an international level, i have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. 

there is only ONE proper and humane way to deal with asshats, douchebags, and fucktards. you guessed it, my darling pupils: the DICK PUNCH.

PLEASE NOTE: for any asshats, douchebags, and fucktarditis carriers that are lacking a dick, the cunt punt is another approved means of helping them to see the error of their ways. we will explore this issue in a future post. 

in case there is any confusion as to what i mean, this is the definition of dick punch that i am referring to. NOT the placing of one's penis in someone's drink, OR the punching of someone with one's penis. interestly, these other definitions describe quite nicely situations that do, in my humble opinion, warrant a dick punch.

there are many, many different situations that call for a dick punch. so many, in fact, that there is no way that i can include them all. what i will tell you is this: any incidences of asshatery, douchbaggery, or fucktarditis are prime opportunities to punch the dick into oblivion. it is up to you, dear reader, to determine if, when, and at what angle the dick punch should be administered.

i bet all of the men-folk reading this {if any}, are cringing and cradling their beloved little friends in a protective fist and wondering, "just WHAT IN THE FUCK is wrong with this here kitchen bitch?!"
fear not, menfolk. the dick punch is not just for us ladies. i bet there are fucking SHITLOADS of dicks you'd like to pulverize under your fists. admit it. i know this because some of the information and educational diagrams i will use for this post were found in "The Alphabet of Manliness", under C for Cockpunch {awesome book by the way}. this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are, in fact, dicks out there that not only deserve to be punched, but that some all but fucking PLEAD for it.  

figure 1
i see that some of you are still looking skeptical. rest easy, my dick-loving friends. the dick punch is a natural, instinctive reaction to asshats that has been so unfortunately suppressed by the societal pressures of civilization. you know, all that there bullshit about manners and tact. but we need not bow down and live according to social norms!! the dick punch is NATURAL. the dick punch is PURE. the dick punch is RIGHT. why, you can even find it in nature!! {see figure 1} 

in closing, i had wished to give some instruction as to dick punch techniques. but i feel that would take up a lot of space, so what i will tell you instead is this: if you can throw a fucking punch, you can punch a fucking dick. practice, try different angles, develope your own personal style to add that extra bit of flair to make it a bit more memorable. might i suggest jazz hands immediately following administration of the dick punch? i have also provided the following visual aides for your benefit. please see below. and remember: ANYONE can punch a dick, but NOT every dick should be punched. 

source: the alphabet of manliness

also from the alphabet of manliness


  1. OH MAN

    I have to re-read this at home.
    It's too funny to read at work!

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! I can think of a few people who would be deserving of this....