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Tuesday, 6 March 2012

kitchen Q&A

Q. what's with the name? all i see is an assortment of fuck rants and random shit. do you even cook? do you have recipes to share?

A. the name fits. i spend 95% of my life in this damn kitchen {ranting, raving, hunched over the laptop like an underfed orangutan.. wtf? i don't fucking know}. but yeah, this is where i am nearly ALL THE TIME. eating, cooking, cleaning, even working out!! it's also where the laptop usually is!
and yes, i do cook. i would even say that i am pretty fucking good at it. i can't exactly share any recipes though, because i don't have any. basically i throw shit together based on past experiences and what i remember from cooking shows that i'm obsessed with, then bake, broil, fry, or sauté that shit. it usually turns out awesome, sometimes just "meh", and i can count on my fingers how many times i've actually had a kitchen fail. another thing: i am the MASTER of hiding healthy shit in food. the kids don't even know it, but they eat a lot of flax seeds, quinoa, spinach, wheat germ, and all that good stuff at nearly every meal.

Q. why do you swear so much?

A. a lot of people who read this blog or follow me on facebook must think i'm a nasty, potty mouthed bitch, but to be honest, the worst word that i actually say out loud here is "frig". then of course, all of these swear words and frustrations get bottled up inside and batter my brain while i'm busy trying to be supermom {or just trying to survive til 8pm}. solution: swear on the fucking internet. it's therapeutic as fuck, and allows me to take something that pisses me right the fuck off and that has potential to drive me totally batshit insane {as opposed to my current level of 45.754% batshit insane} and turn it into something that i can later piss myself laughing over. it's cheaper than therapy, yo.

Q. you're ALWAYS bitching. is your life really THAT bad?

life is actually pretty good. but i have a bad temper AND a way with words {particularly those of the vulgar persuasion}, and it's better for me to vent here while trying to make all of this stupid shit that pisses me off seem funny {even if only to me} than to freak the fuck out at home. this blog is the reason why you haven't read a news story about a crazy Canadian woman who was finally driven insane to the point of ripping her hair out and running down the street buck naked by the millionth puddle of piss she stepped in beside the toilet or the toothpaste splatters all over the bathroom mirror. 

Q. fave song?

A. wow, that was random.. and not an easy one to answer. i can't just pick ONE song, it really depends on my current mood swing mood. hmmm..

that's the best i could do to narrow it down.. but it changes almost daily. those are my current faves by mood. and yes, i have listened to them ALL today, while feeling ALL of those moods. yeah, i'm a freak. you know you love it.

Q. what is the best thing a guy can do for his gf/wife?

A. WTF man?! do i look like dr. phil or some shit? *le sigh* well since you asked... i actually have a few tidbits of knowledge to pass on to any men out there. i couldn't narrow it down to just one though. 
forget the flowers and shit. seriously, they can just be used as projectiles to be hurled at your fucking face the next time you piss her off. take the kids {if you have kids}, and GTFO. give her an ENTIRE day off, away from you needy fuckers {preferably in a clean house that anyone but HER has cleaned!}. let her sleep in without any interruptions for once. make her feel beautiful, every fucking day. appreciate her!! it ain't easy taking care of the house, kids, pets, AND your stinkin' ass every goddamned day while looking as scrumptious as she does! {word of caution: don't lay it on too thick, a little at a time! you don't want to spook her and make her think you've done something terrible like lost the farm on a cockfight}

Q. what's the worst thing a guy can do to his gf/wife?

A. oh fuck me. yeah, i could go on for AEONS about awful things that men do that they shouldn't. but i won't, for fear of breaking the whole damned internet with information overload. i did write a few totally readable blogs on the subject, entitled "for the men-folk", "pet peeves", and  "HEY GUYS! wanna get laid tonight?" i strongly encourage you to read those if you have any concerns about how to deal with your little slutmuffin. but to answer this question, i'd have to say that one of the WORST things you can do to your gf/wife is to NOT LISTEN. there's next to nothing that will get her into the grannie panties and anti-penetration pants faster than the sight of you zoning out on the tv, computer, or even just off into space when she is talking. for fuck sakes, can't you at least TRY to absorb even a bit of the likely CRUCIAL knowledge that she is imparting on you? fuck.

Q. what is the best thing a guy has done for you, personally?

A. the best thing a man has done for me personally is to give me three of the most beautiful, funny, and infuriatingly hilarious little bastards {literally.. they are bastards lol} on the face of the earth. as corny as it sounds, they truly are my greatest achievement.. and i couldn't have done it without BF and his manly fluids.

Q. how about the worst/weirdest thing a guy has ever done to you personally?

A. ehhh.. tough one. i can't tell you the worst, because it would suck the funny right the fuck out of this post. hmmm.... i CAN do weird though. how about the time this star wars geek i dated professed his UNDYING love for me by writing a barely legible, senseless fucking POEM for me.. in my fucking DIARY, which, up to that point, i had NO IDEA he even knew about? as if that wasn't fucked up enough, this was after a mere MONTH of knowing each other. i let that slide {he was super cute}, since i figured it was just my fine ass booty and skills that had him all fucked in the head, and that once he grew accustomed to having quality sexy time on the regular, he would chill the fuck out with all of his soulmate, "love, endless like a river" {LO-MOTHERFUCKING-L!!} bullshit. NOPE. it got worse. evey fucking time we were together- alone, in public, with friends, EVERYWHERE-he started constantly staring at me. CONSTANTLY. my girlfriends and i noticed and were creeped the fuck out, so we called him out on it. his reply? "she's just so beautiful. i love her" in a disturbingly worshipful tone that made it sound like he had been brainwashed or some shit. needless to say, he didn't last too long. weird enough for ya?

Q. last question. what is the best thing about being a mother?

A. there a a lot of shitty things about motherhood, like: never-ending messes, dirty diapers, lack of sleep, back-talking, teething, potty training... it just goes on and on and on and.. fuck. i need a drink. whew.
anyway.. all this shit is going down and it sucks. but THEN your toddler {who up to that point, you could have sworn HATED you} gives you a sweet smile or random kiss, the 5 year old tells you he has the prettiest mommy ever {without even asking for something afterwards}, or the usually snarky 3rd grader asks to be taught to make coffee so that he can bring it to you in the morning.. they might be different for a lot of moms, but it is these little moments that truly are the best part of being a mommy, and they help you see that maybe, just maybe, you're not totally fucking these kids up. you bask in the warmth of all these squishy, lovey dovey feelings, and all is right in the world... then BAM!! CRASH!! BANG!!! they are back to trying to kill eachother, and the moment is gone. but hey, it was totally worth it.