omg fb

i am in an abusive relationship... with facebook. it sucks (especially lately), but i can't imagine life without it. it shows me shit that makes me want to rip out my hair and set my face on fire, BUT I KEEP LOGGING IN. it became the way that i "met" some of the coolest people i've ever known, and we have had some fucking hallmark card moments... and some WTF moments too. this fucked up site has had me laughing silently, machine gun farting, and gasping for air while trying not to wake up the whole damn house... then in the midst of all these warm and gooey feeling and gut busting laughs, BAM!! i make the mistake of going to my newsfeed, and i see all this fucktarded shit that makes me want to nuke the whole goddamned planet. people are lucky i'm not in a position of power.

another thing i've noticed about fuckbook is that all this stupid shit that i'm sick of seeing is being done by the same types of silly little twats that also do a fuck ton of shit i LOVE seeing on the book of face. it's not enough to redeem their fucktarded online antics, but it is enough to stop me from deleting their dumb asses.

first of all.... what in the fuck is with all these goddamned NAIL PICS?! have they hit your newsfeed yet? some silly twat with eleventy bajillion different pics of her hands clutching a nail polish bottle or simply curled into a semi fist that makes me think "oh, nice. dead hooker hand." 
i don't know about you, but the bitches that do this shit around here all seem to fall into the same category: vacant eyed, zombified little assholes. it's all those fucking fumes, i tell ya. and no. i'm not bitter about the fact that i have no goddamned free time to myself, and even if i do i'm too tired to even think about my appearance, let alone those funny, ragged little things on the ends of my fingers and toes. nope. no bitterness here. FUCK.

the same type of bitch who does the 'dead hooker hand' pose to showcase her skill with glitter and nail art will usually have eleventy bajillion profile pics as well. bathroom pics, 'no make-up but idgaf cause i hot' pics, snarling trying to look bad ass pics, staring out the window on a rainy day trying to look serious pics... and if you 'like' or compliment them, they get all weird and say they're ugly so you'll tell them they're pretty AGAIN. next time, ima be all, "heyyy!!! that's a gorgeous bathroom fixture, bitch? you shop at home hardware? omg!!" 
or maybe they change their profile pics 54 times a day, and usually when the pic is posted, it is accompanied by some kind of inspirational quote or music lyric. you're not fooling anyone, bitch. you got that shit from google. 

oh, and let's not forget about the infamous 50 shades of shit or meth head mike... or whatever the fuck bitches are losing their shit over these days. sadly, posts of these nature aren't limited to the silly twats. several of my friends, and even family have fallen victim to the hype. of course that really shouldn't be that bad, right? to each their own, and all that shit, right? WRONG. try having to see your beloved 50-something auntie's posts about what she THINKS and what she'd like TO DO to christian gray. then go to a family function with her and hear about it some more, with several graphic gestures to emphasize the depth of her feelings. and people wonder why i stay the fuck home.

whew. after all this hating, you're probably wondering just why the fuck i even bother going on facebook, or why the fuck i don't just click 'unfriend' on the silly twats of the internet and stick to only friending the people i genuinely like interacting with. 

see, the thing is... these little fucktards with tits that make me go, "whore, no one cares, clean your bathroom, eat a dick, etc" while scrolling through my newsfeed actually DO have a use. it is a theory of mine that the amount of useless, annoying, and downright pointless shit that a fucktard will post on their fb page on a given day is directly proportional to the amount of priceless entertainment that they will provide with stupid questions, keyboard warrior fighting, and spelling/grammar mistakes. 

is it sad that the annoyance and mental anguish i suffer after a week's worth of compliment-fishing and dead hooker hand poses is forgotten as soon as i see bitches drunk facebook fighting on a weekend? probably. do i give a fuck? nope. because really, what would facebook be without fucktards?