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Wednesday, 21 December 2011

a learning adventure



as a woman who spends most of her time home with the young 'uns and the laptop, you would think that i don't have much to talk about. other than poop, puke, and snot, that is. but as it turns out, i do. and today, when i was granted escape from this prison house to grab some holiday groceries, i surprised myself by the sheer volume of non-kid-related shit that just flew from my mouth in between gulps of nearly orgasmic tim horton's coffee. 


by the time we got home, i had realized that this had been a learning adventure.. a field trip of sorts. so rather than making a long ass post on my fb page, and bugging the fuck out of the people that don't want to read and would rather click through funny pics, i decided to blog about it. although, the annoyance of non-readers is always fun. perhaps i'll save some for them. but never mind that. without further ado, here it is:




Things I Learned Today


1. I STILL GOT IT. so, obviously, i don't get out much. most of my time is spent at home, with the kids. i don't bother with makeup or hair. hell, i'm feeling rather foxy and ahead of the game if i manage to get a bra on. but today, i had a bit of free time while waiting for my friend to come pick me up. so i had a little stare down with my makeup bag, which resulted in me thinking "what the hell, i'm already wearing the good bra. might as well slap on the ole war paint as well." now let me tell you, i'm fucking lucky i stepped out of the house looking like a fairly normal person. i'm surprised i still remember what products to apply to what part of my face. but i got it right today. so right, in fact, that i got myself not one, but TWO double takes while strutting around with my grocery cart. fuck yeah. 


2. YOU REALLY CAN PICK UP AT THE GROCERY STORE. ok, now before you get all freaked out, everything is fine between the BF and i. we are still engaged, and i'm not looking for a guy. but remember the double takes? well yeah. they led up to some pretty meaningful eye contact {well, meaningful for THEM.. i just lol-ed in my head}. so i'm thinking, i have to stop my single girlfriends from checking out the bar scene. i gotta get them all skankified and drag them along to the grocery store. because if i can get some second looks and an invitation to flirtation at the check out armed with nothing but the good bra and the war paint, they might just get bent over in the produce section. and that would save me from a lot of late night phone and online conversations assuring them that a)there is nothing wrong with them, b)there are nice men out there who are single AND straight, and c)if they follow a decent regimen of personal hygiene, their hoo-hah will NOT grow cobwebs. 


3. I CAN BE KINDA FUNNY, GIVEN THE RIGHT CONDITIONS AND OPTIMAL HORMONE/CAFFEINE LEVELS. shocking, i know. and while i always knew that i had a sense of humor, i was not always aware that i can make coffee {and any other beverage} shoot from my friends' noses with just the right combination of words spoken in a slightly exaggerated eastern canada reserve accent. all of this WITHOUT the aide of a poop, puke, or snot-filled story of my lovely little angels. 


4. WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE UNDER CARE OF A MAN, DO NOT LEAVE THEM WITH ANY OPPORTUNITY TO ATTEMPT MOM-STYLE MULTI-TASKING. i should have just left the house, and told BF to relax and enjoy the kids. but no, i must be a sucker for punishment, because i asked him to give #3 a bath AND reminded him that there was a tim horton's coffee from my sister in the fridge from last night. sounds pretty harmless right? WRONG. this is what i gathered of the situation when i returned to a smoky, smelly house: our microwave recently bit the dust, so BF decided to heat the coffee in a pot. he then handed the laptop over to the boys to play games. then he forgot about the coffee {which was on FULL BLAST, because he knows of no other way to use the stove}, and put baby in the tub. the result? a smoking, splattering, smelly mess which ruined one of my only pots, 2 boys so zoned out on their game that they sat through all of this without realizing that the house was filling with smoke, and a frantic, crazed BF running through the house opening windows and waving towels at the smoke alarm with a dripping wet baby tucked under one arm like a football. i would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that little shitfest!!


4. I SHOULD NOT BE LEFT UNATTENDED FOR LONG, LEST MY THOUGHTS START TO WANDER. yeah, so i've been told that i have a sick mind. and friends are always watching me if someone lets out a sentence with even a hint of potential innuendo. nevertheless, my friend left me unattended at the grocery store so that she could catch the bank and grab a few things at the dollar store. she also made the mistake of underestimating my shopping-ninja skills. i am a fucking FAST shopper. i get my groceries and i go, without any pointless wandering or fiddling around. so there i was, unattended and alone with my dirty mind, waiting for her to come get me. this will be better portrayed in the form of a "rage-ish almost-comic." so here goes. 


first i was like, "oh what a nice day.. blah blah herpin derpin fuckin herp!! "





 WHEN SUDDENLY LE WILD OLD COUPLE APPEARS, HOLDING HANDS AND BEING CUTE.



and of course, my mind wanders. i think, "that's so sweet, look at them... probably still in love and all that jazz.."


and my mind wanders farther.. and i begin to giggle to myself and think, "they used to bang!!"






THEN...






I BET THEY STILL BANG


FOLLOWED BY..




WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST THINK?? 




and that, my friends, concludes my interpretation of today's learning adventure. i hope you enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed my weekly outing!!

13 comments:

  1. As usual, both a wild ride and a true pleasure reading your crazy writing my friend! Bravo!!!

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  2. Hilarious as always and a great follow up to the couple things I have read over the last hour. Thank you for this one :-)

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  3. I laughed, a LOT! herpin' derpin'! hell yes!

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  4. thanks guys!! XD
    teehee "herpin derpin fuckin herp"

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  5. I think I love you!
    and I think we should hang sometime, I'll pick Jenny up on my way mmmkay?

    LMAO herpin derpin fuckin herp...talk about earworms!! :)

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  6. Oh my......I'm trying very hard not to just bust out laughing, what with the kids sleeping and all.....this is awesome!!!

    :)
    Amy

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  7. #1 you bet your ass you do! #2 had me girly giggling! #3 had me rolling my eyes aghast that you just discovered this today #4 smfh #4 (your second one) moved me from giggle fits to outright hysteria!

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  8. Thumbs up! This made my day! lovin' your blog!

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  9. Hysterical.
    You are HYSTERICAL.

    New follower, right here... Love it!

    www.katerivonstealsnewlife.blogspot.com

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  10. LMFAO!!!!! i just realized NOW that i have two #4s!!! hahahahahaha oh my sweet fuckin herpin derp!!
    i'm just gonna leave that the way it is, as it proves my point that i SHOULD NOT be left unattended, which i obviously was during the writing of this blog {o.O}

    and thank you all, for the lovely words XD

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  11. I wonder if she still orgasms??? Hmmmmm.... I wonder if she ever DID??

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  12. OMG... now you've opened up a whole new world of questions, slut XD

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