fuck off, 2011. kthnxbai XD

so, in honor of the new year, and also because i haven't been blogging that long, i've decided to give you a little list of just what the fuck i've been up to for the past year. 


JANUARY
while recovering from new years eve shenanigans, i decide to finally upload my pics from the holidays. i hadn't looked at them on the computer yet, just on the little screen on my camera, so i was fucking SHOCKED at what i found. and not in a good way, either. 

this is one of my holiday pics. UGH

now i was aware of the fact that i had put on a little weight after leaving school, but i was in denial as to how much. so when i saw my pics blown up on the unforgiving, uncaring dumb fuck of a computer screen, i was crushed and embarrassed. why, just a month before i had been in my shortest skirt, bumpin' and grindin' at the club, completely oblivious to the spare tires i was packing and wondering why i couldn't get any attention from some cuties i was making eyes at {BF and i had broken up for a few weeks, starting in november} poor fucks probably thought i was fixin' to roll them in breadcrumbs and deep fry 'em for a snack. or whatever. i don't know what men think when they are being relentlessly pursued by a fat girl who thinks she's the shit. FUCK.
anyway, after wallowing in depression and old sweats for a week or so, i finally snapped out of it and asked BF for help. {we had reconnected just before xmas}. he was amazingly supportive, and so began my intro to fitness and nutrition.




FEBRUARY

#3, not giving a fuck. i mean, who wants to PLAY with toys,
when you can just stand on the box?! am i right?!
and #1, just chillin', as always.

holy fuck, canada is cold!! nothing much exciting happened this month, other than #3's first birthday BASH! and by BASH! i mean me cooking like a motherfucker, covering everything in pink balloons, and stressing that she didn't have enough presents only to find that only 3 people bothered to show up and #3 just didn't give a fuck either way. sure, she played with her toys a little, but she was completely un-fucking-phased by all of the shit i had done. #2 had a meltdown because he wasn't the center of attention, and crashed out in a frustrated little pile in the middle of the kitchen. and #1 of course, was just as cool as a cucumber.






MARCH

had no birthday BF pics, so here is my cat, winnie.
she had a bath in march and was not pleased.

BF's birthday mid-month. our plans for an awesome date night were spoiled by lack of a sitter. being the amazing gf that i am, i told him to go out and have some fun, and i'd stay home with the wee ones. his mom dropped him off a few hours later, totally obliterated and senseless. i had a little giggle and went back to bed. 
shit started thawing out, and along with most canadians, i breathed a sigh of relief that winter would not be here forever.






APRIL
oh my sweet fuck, SWEATER WEATHER!! and by that i mean you could go out with just a sweater most days, instead of 17 pairs of pants, 14 shirts, and 85 scarves wrapped around your head. 

my favorite flower, the easter lily

after working out with my hip hop abs dvd and some strength training with weights, and eventually graduating to insanity, i had seen some awesome results, and the compliments were trickling in. even from BN, for fuck sakes! {if you can consider "ohh, you've slimmed down A LOT!! still got that big ass though" a compliment}
easter dinner was a success, with me making my first honey-glazed ham.






MAY

ME!!! just before the big dance

biggest fucking rez party EVER mid-month, what with the annual fishing thingie my community has. sexy, brown-skinned savages come from all over to fish, and possibly to pick up a fellow sexy, brown-skinned savage at the dance that's held. of course, i wasn't into that, i had MY savage already. but i did want to go shake my ass all over said savage, and turn some heads with my new figure. a great time was being had, until they played "party rock  anthem". then i fucking lost it!! i proceeded to go COMPLETELY nuts, drag poor BF onto the dance floor, and SHUFFLE like crazy. of course, this is never a good idea in 4 inch heels, unless you're a fucking pro. which i am not. the 7646273 drinks spilled on the dance floor didn't help much either. so i fell flat on my ass, giving a nice panty flash to anyone who was watching. i was lucky, and nothing was broken. {little did i know, that i would not always be so lucky!} and thankfully, a really obese guy fell just as i did, couldn't get up, and several people had to help him. it's a sin, but OMG thank you fat guy, wherever you are, for helping take some attention off of me!!






JUNE

father's day food for my lovemuffin <3

little brother, L,  came to visit from another province. visits to mom became more frequent, because he was crashing there, and more bearable, simply because of his presence. we spent many long, warm almost-summer evenings on my back porch, sipping cold beer and talking about old times. 
cooked a pretty epic meal for father's day, and enjoyed the company of my mother {gasp! her first time in my new house!}, my aunt, L, and of course, my little family.






JULY

almost ready for the festivities!! 

both boys had their birthdays this month, 1 week apart, so we decided to have one big party for both of them. even though it rained, and we couldn't get the big inflatable jumping castle that the boys wanted, a good time was had by all. again, i cooked my ass off, and i must have done something right, seeing as how there were NO leftovers. poor BF.
entered a local "biggest loser" challenge to try and give my motivation a jumpstart. worked out like a motherfucker, ate a totally clean diet, and lost 15lbs in the first week. no bull.






AUGUST

#1 and #2, enjoying the summer weather
and their new skateboards

a friend of the family eloped in newfoundland. we were invited to a little reception in the new couple's honour early this month. when they showed a slideshow of pics from the actual ceremony, accompanied by a mushy love song, i was reduced to a blubbering fool. oh great, i thought, i am so fucked when my big brother gets married in september! 
there was a little dance, and more than a little drinks. i was having a perfect night until PARTY ROCK ANTHEM came on. yeah, you guessed it, i fucking lost it. and of course, i was wearing some badass heels. long story short, i broke my ankle.
final weigh-in the biggest loser was at the end of the month. i won by about a pound, thanks to my epic loss of the first week. 






SEPTEMBER

#2, obviously ecstatic about the  tux he had to wear
and the crowd of people staring at him. lol

big brother got married this month. it was beautiful, perfect, like a fairy tale. my new SIL looked like a princess, and i of course was a blubbering, bawling fool. #2 was the ringbearer, and was simply amazing in his cuteness. after sending the kids home to their grampy after the reception, vast quantities of wine were consumed and much of my dancing was endured by BF. they played party rock anthem of course, but despite my highly inebriated state, i sat the fuck down. when my other brothers and friends teased me and BF about being the next to tie the knot, i firmly said, "NO WAY. that's not for us." little did i know!!








OCTOBER

this gem is the type of thing that angered the IRL fuckers. *sighs*

nothing really exciting. wake up, go to work, come home, cook, clean, check fb. liked my first fb page that contained funny pics and jokes. but when i began sharing all of this amazing shit on my personal fb, people got all pissy. people are stupid, especially the IRL ones.
so i decided to create my own little page, a place to rant & rave, and post whatever the fuck i wanted. because you know, i couldn't just UNFRIEND these people.. i had to know what they were doing every day, HAD TO.










NOVEMBER

Daddy

this was a sad month. i was laid off from my shitty job, and the anniversary of my dad's death was mid-month. i decided to take a stab at blogging after reading some amazing words by the geniuses behind Holdin' Holden, A Fort 4 Spitfyre, The Monster in Your Closet, Bitches Gotta Eat, and many more. my first blog post ever was dedicated to my dad.
















DECEMBER

my "charlie brown" christmas tree

stress levels were at an all-time high, with no cash flow and no way of even coming close to last year's awesomeness. somewhere between stressing about the holidays and simply trying to survive, BF asked me to marry him over our after-supper coffee. i said yes. this year has been one of falling into love all over again, compromise, and both of us changing for the better. i can't wait to start making plans!
needless to say, we survived christmas. the kids were happy and wonderfully greatful for all of their gifts, even though there was a significant lack of the latest games and fancy gadgets. in fact, the greatest hits were the doodle/activity books and markers from the dollar store i had grabbed as a last minute stocking stuffer. 








and that, my lovelies, was my year. not terribly exciting, i know, but it is what it is. my wish for the new year is for a bajillion more happy smiles on my children's faces, 100 bajillion more happy little moments as we watch them grow and find their place in this world, and health and happiness for every single one of my dear readers, followers, friends, and family. 

the after-supper coffee

so this is not the first time we've talked about marriage. the first time was during that blissful, sex-filled first year. you know how it is. we were so wrapped up in banging each other's brains out that we hadn't yet fully grasped what indescribable assholes we really were. 


that "engagement" {if that's what it even was}, was accompanied by a beautiful gold ring with not one, but 3 decent sized diamonds. that "engagement" was short-lived, however. human beings are usually at their dumbest when they spend a lot of time getting the brains banged out of them. so, eventually {and you know this if you've read 'the most fucked up love story in the world'} i realized that he was a degenerate asshole that i was slowly beginning to hate, and he realized that i was one coldhearted, vindictive bitch. our fights were bitter and cruel, and to this day i have no idea how we got through it. at the end of these brawls, i would invariably end shit by hurling my ring into his face, the woods, anywhere as long as it was away from my finger. eventually, he would return when i had cooled off, and we would have make-up sex or just hate-fuck the brains out of each other until we were too exhausted to even remember what the original fight was about. but inevitably, he got sick of having this symbol of his love thrown in his face or on the ground like a piece of trash. one night, he just picked it up and left. i never did see that ring again, but he did give me half of the money from selling it.


after the sale of the ring, we were both on eggshells around each other. neither of us thought it would last much longer. then i found out i was pregnant. it brought us together at what almost was the very end of "us". he transformed into this considerate, attentive, and gentle man that would not so much as allow me to lift a bag of bread. 


in the past 8 years, i've given him 3 children. i've watched him grow from an insensitive and selfish manchild into the amazingly selfless father and BF that he is today. it hasn't all been perfect. we still fight. i still bitch. he still drops his nasty gym socks on the floor. but it's different.


the fights aren't so bitter. the makeup sex is better, sweeter. we don't hate-fuck anymore. after being with him for 8 years, being through hell and back just for the sake of this little family, i learned to let go of the little annoyances. i learned to compromise. and i learned how not to get my panties in a fucking wad over something he's been doing all of his life, and probably will keep doing until he's old and gray. he's learned a lot too. he's learned that the world does not revolve around him, that walking away from shit does not make it better, and that it's ok to talk about feelings.


but even through all of this, after the first "engagement", i always assumed that marriage just didn't seem to fit into our future. even last year, at my brother's wedding, when one of the groomsmen jokingly pointed our way {we were a little tipsy, making out in the corner} and said, "you guys are next!" i just shrugged it off. "nahh, i'm never gettin married," is what i said. 


but now, it seems we've reached our Kind of Happy Place. we argue once a month {so i have ovaries, shoot me}, but the big intense screaming matches just don't happen any more. we kiss and cuddle a lot, and have been steadily renewing our rep as the most nauseating couple on the rez. 


despite all of these welcome changes and adjustments, when he asked me THE QUESTION last night, i was completely taken by surprise. it came, not accompanied by a sparkling ring, but with our customary after-supper coffee. there were no theatrics, no getting down on one fucking knee. just us, his hand over mine on the coffee cup. he looked momentarily crushed when i was unable to say anything for a whole minute, but his smile when i said yes could rival the sun for radiance. we hugged and kissed and almost cried... until one of the boys popped into the kitchen, saw us, and ran out screaming, "YOU GUYS ARE GROSS!!"


so here i am: 8 years older and wiser, saying yes to a proposal that comes not from a bad boy that i'm in lust with, but from the man that i've watched emerge from the wreckage of drugs and crime to become the best lover, companion, and father in the world. this proposal didn't come with a shiny ring {but you better believe i will be getting one of those eventually!!}, it came with one of the mundane parts of my life that i have come to love even more-the after-supper coffee.