tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79532160005062977182024-03-14T01:17:15.373-07:00Ranting & Raving All the Way to the Kitchenassorted rants, raves and nonsense :)rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-12599035309473045802012-12-10T11:57:00.000-08:002012-12-10T11:57:23.746-08:00'Twas the Night Before Christmas... fucktard version<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">'Twas the night before Christmas, and I hid in the kitchen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Slowly going insane, barely refraining from bitchin'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Most of the gifts were stuffed into bags without care,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In hopes that I would stop ripping out my hair.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The children were sprawled on the floor, crashing hard</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">From a sugar high supplied by their Dad, the fucktard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The cat's up the tree, the dog's eating a shoe...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A blunt must be rolled, without further ado!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When out on the street there arose such a clatter,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I dragged my ass to the window to see what was the matter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Away to the window I dragged ass like the dead,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Tore open the curtains, and stuck out my head.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The neighbour's lights on the breast of the new-fallen snow</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Gave the colors of vomit to the objects below,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But a broke down old sleigh, and eight crackhead reindeer,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With a fat fuck old driver, stumbling and drunk,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With a bottle of Jack and a bag of good skunk.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hopped up on the pipe, his frightening deer they came,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He wet himself, and shouted, and called them by name;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Now, BASTARD! now, COCKSUCKER! now, FUCKER and BITCH!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On, CUMSTAIN! on CUNTY! on, DIMEBAG and SNITCH!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">To the top of the porch! to the top of the walls!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A rock for the bitch that tugs on my balls!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As dry heaves that after the wild rez party do fly,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So up to the house-top the fuckers they flew,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With the sleigh full of weed, and that fat, pissy fuck too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The scratching and clawing of each little hoof.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As I drew in my head, and was turning around,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Down the chimney Fat Fuck came with a bound.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He was dressed in polyester, from his head to his toes,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And he reeked of good weed, liquor, and hoes;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A bag of that weed he had flung on his back,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And he looked like a pimp as he adjusted his sack.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">His eyes -- how they twinkled! his tattoos -- how thug!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I stood there, praying he wouldn't piss on my rug.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And his pit stains the color of old, peed-on snow;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He staggered and gagged as he adjusted his hood,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I thought for sure, this time I'll be locked up for good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can't be seeing this, it's not real, I must be asleep!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But why would I dream of this fat, pissy creep?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He was there, he was real, that smelly old fuck,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I thought when I saw him, "this is just my luck";</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With a wink of his eye, he pointed to the bag at his right.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And he asked if he could bum a paper and light.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He spoke not another word, but rolled up a blunt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He passed it my way. Maybe he's not such a cunt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He didn't stay long when we finished our toke,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And left me there, buzzed, in a big cloud of smoke.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave some rock,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And away they all flew like hoes after the cock.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But I heard him exclaim, as he cracked the whip at Cocksucker,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!! PUFF PUFF PASS MOTHERFUCKER!!"</span><br />
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rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-55504776802224025382012-10-25T13:45:00.000-07:002012-10-25T13:45:26.997-07:00omg fb<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_BBPGzaOZevs1t5Jm-swGoHLwaSBpbkz5Q36bFjxPAXu-UZx6OrO0HYhZtktYDI8nmkV3Tw35cB0clmbfefe-QAXYIFPd9qrE-y6DKIY4aSdLojfbsXwH2zSOSeXhR6QGL82u8AkyhU/s1600/images+(3).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5_BBPGzaOZevs1t5Jm-swGoHLwaSBpbkz5Q36bFjxPAXu-UZx6OrO0HYhZtktYDI8nmkV3Tw35cB0clmbfefe-QAXYIFPd9qrE-y6DKIY4aSdLojfbsXwH2zSOSeXhR6QGL82u8AkyhU/s1600/images+(3).jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">i am in an abusive relationship... with facebook. it sucks (especially lately), but i can't imagine life without it. it shows me shit that makes me want to rip out my hair and set my face on fire, BUT I KEEP LOGGING IN. it became the way that i "met" some of the coolest people i've ever known, and we have had some fucking hallmark card moments... and some WTF moments too. this fucked up site has had me laughing silently, machine gun farting, and gasping for air while trying not to wake up the whole damn house... then in the midst of all these warm and gooey feeling and gut busting laughs, BAM!! i make the mistake of going to my newsfeed, and i see all this fucktarded shit that makes me want to nuke the whole goddamned planet. people are lucky i'm not in a position of power.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">another thing i've noticed about fuckbook is that all this stupid shit that i'm sick of seeing is being done by the same types of silly little twats that also do a fuck ton of shit i LOVE seeing on the book of face. it's not enough to redeem their fucktarded online antics, but it is enough to stop me from deleting their dumb asses.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">first of all.... what in the fuck is with all these goddamned NAIL PICS?! have they hit your newsfeed yet? some silly twat with eleventy bajillion different pics of her hands clutching a nail polish bottle or simply curled into a semi fist that makes me think "oh, nice. dead hooker hand." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">i don't know about you, but the bitches that do this shit around here all seem to fall into the same category: vacant eyed, zombified little assholes. it's all those fucking fumes, i tell ya. and no. i'm not bitter about the fact that i have no goddamned free time to myself, and even if i do i'm too tired to even think about my appearance, let alone those funny, ragged little things on the ends of my fingers and toes. nope. no bitterness here. FUCK.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">the same type of bitch who does the 'dead hooker hand' pose to showcase her skill with glitter and nail art will usually have eleventy bajillion profile pics as well. bathroom pics, 'no make-up but idgaf cause i hot' pics, snarling trying to look bad ass pics, staring out the window on a rainy day trying to look serious pics... and if you 'like' or compliment them, they get all weird and say they're ugly so you'll tell them they're pretty AGAIN. next time, ima be all, "heyyy!!! that's a gorgeous bathroom fixture, bitch? you shop at home hardware? omg!!" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">or maybe they change their profile pics 54 times a day, and usually when the pic is posted, it is accompanied by some kind of inspirational quote or music lyric. you're not fooling anyone, bitch. you got that shit from google. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">oh, and let's not forget about the infamous 50 shades of shit or meth head mike... or whatever the fuck bitches are losing their shit over these days. sadly, posts of these nature aren't limited to the silly twats. several of my friends, and even family have fallen victim to the hype. of course that really shouldn't be that bad, right? to each their own, and all that shit, right? WRONG. try having to see your beloved 50-something auntie's posts about what she THINKS and what she'd like TO DO to christian gray. then go to a family function with her and hear about it some more, with several graphic gestures to emphasize the depth of her feelings. and people wonder why i stay the fuck home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">whew. after all this hating, you're probably wondering just why the fuck i even bother going on facebook, or why the fuck i don't just click 'unfriend' on the silly twats of the internet and stick to only friending the people i genuinely like interacting with. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">see, the thing is... these little fucktards with tits that make me go, "whore, no one cares, clean your bathroom, eat a dick, etc" while scrolling through my newsfeed actually DO have a use. it is a theory of mine that the amount of useless, annoying, and downright pointless shit that a fucktard will post on their fb page on a given day is directly proportional to the amount of priceless entertainment that they will provide with stupid questions, keyboard warrior fighting, and spelling/grammar mistakes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">is it sad that the annoyance and mental anguish i suffer after a week's worth of compliment-fishing and dead hooker hand poses is forgotten as soon as i see bitches drunk facebook fighting on a weekend? probably. do i give a fuck? nope. because really, what would facebook be without fucktards? </span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-52038867491715361582012-10-09T13:07:00.000-07:002012-10-09T13:07:36.581-07:00shit i don't get, volume 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">there's a lot of shit about relationships i don't understand. fuck tons of shit. METRIC fuck tons. things like: why are men such whiny, crybaby, selfish assheads? why do they piss on the floor when they have an organ with which they have had their WHOLE GODDAMNED LIFE to perfect their aim? why am i such a bitch? what in the sweet flying fuck is so bad about going to the store for tampons? it can't be as bad as letting wifey out into PUBLIC braless and wearing her period pants, can it? what if she kills some dumb fuck who dares get between her and the midol and/or chocolate display? that's all on YOU, bro.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">as you could see, i could probably go on for MONTHS about the shit i don't get about men and women and the shit they do when they decide to shackle themselves to each other and bang sometimes. but for the sake of this post, i'll stick with one thing: SHARING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">a lot of couples i know do the 'what's mine is yours' thing. you know, they share shit. shit like responsibilities, kids, money... but a FB account? and THAT totally fucks with my head. imagine trying to pm a BFF, knowing that her current house-penis could read that shit too. you don't really want him to know about your new spanx that you got half price, or the hilariously embarrassing sex queef story of '09... well not if you want to be able to make eye contact with him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">what about a guy friend or a male relative? all of a sudden, some chick has them pussy whipped to the point they start sharing a FB account. so when you go to message him with something like, "hey fuckhead, come over and smoke some weed and watch the game!!! bring some beer, asshole!! :)"..... only to be bombarded 34 seconds later by, "omg, who is this? what do you want? why are you swearing at my bf???" and then of course, you have to explain to the bitch how, 24 years ago, your mother's sister got married to fuckhead sr., they did the nasty and had a baby named fuckhead jr.... and that made you cousins and NO BITCH I DON'T WANT TO BANG YOUR MAN, CALM YOUR TITS. of course, you can't really say it like THAT, because then he won't be allowed out to play with his friends anymore... know what i mean?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">so, why? is it because they are so fucking edward and bella in love that they have to stay glued at the fucking hip, shoulder, AND head.. even in cyberspace? is it because one or both doesn't trust the other and wants to keep an eye on the other's online activity? or is it just a new way of bonding? ehh, i don't fucking know. but i'll tell you one thing. it's not near as bad as those sick fucks in the fifty shades of shit book that shared a toothbrush. fucking GAG!! excuse me while i reinsert my intestines...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">of course, as with anything, it does work for some people. especially older couples. that shit is fucking cute. every time i see an old couple discover the book of face and make an account with both of their sweet little names on it, and some wedding pic as their profile pic... FUCK. that shit gets more "SQUEEEE!!!" out of me than all of the cats on the internet. no lie.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">i think my head just exploded <3</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-82259745032041844842012-05-09T15:53:00.001-07:002012-05-09T15:53:56.747-07:00your vagina is gangsta<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a couple weeks ago, some friends and i were exchanging birth stories and whatnot. you know how it is: someone mentions pregnancy and/or labor and delivery, and EVERY chick in the place has a horror story. making babies is fucking HARD! </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>anywho, i ended one comment with the phrase "my vagina is gangsta". it was hilarious at the time, but totally true. and you know what? if you have a vagina, it's not just a VAgina. that fucker is a THUG-gina. wanna know why? i'll fucking tell you.</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia4UNG5swltptwz9tbuw6fyzkMM1cYCgZur6CzfITiZKTh5hXGFgHWBDQvcZkatnn5ImFbvgDdrPe188-D9gaDRXwBqdFwKI54xUDK1W3bvitJB8TamL07kJYDtR21hHzXjtjpNV9RPBs/s1600/thug.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia4UNG5swltptwz9tbuw6fyzkMM1cYCgZur6CzfITiZKTh5hXGFgHWBDQvcZkatnn5ImFbvgDdrPe188-D9gaDRXwBqdFwKI54xUDK1W3bvitJB8TamL07kJYDtR21hHzXjtjpNV9RPBs/s400/thug.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>above is a definition of thug from urbandictionary.com. except where they were saying "...a hick can be a thug, a prep can be a thug, an old ass man can be a thug".. well, they forgot to mention that A VAGINA CAN BE A THUG. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>fucking think about. most vaginas don't wear bling, and if they do it's obviously been done against their will. they have no voice other than the queef with which to speak against these injustices. have you ever done what a queef told you to do? wait.. fuck. never mind that. if you EVER hear voices from your vagina, you're in the wrong place. gtfo. call your obgyn or the vatican. moving on...</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>vaginas have a rough life. they bleed, they take a pounding, they get fucking DEMOLISHED by childbirth. but you know what? you treat that vagina good, and it will treat YOU good. it does what's right. and by that i mean healing up so that sex doesn't feel like fucking a bowl of jello for your guy, and sometimes even popping out more little humans. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>this is why i believe that the vagina is BY FAR the most bad ass motherfucker of a creation on this earth. YOUR vagina is gangsta. MY vagina is gangsta. old auntie edith's vagina is gangsta. got it? no? well fuck. time for a list to drive this shit into your head. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>our vaginas are gangsta because:</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1. to quote dr. lisa from "the doctors", they are "self cleaning ovens". that's right, they clean their own damn selves!! </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>2. they can make you feel DAMN good when treated right! now now.. stop with that blushing and shit. you know it's true. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>3. they can take a pounding like no other organ of the human body... and like it. enough said.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>4. you use it to give birth to little people. that little hole can be stretched right the fuck out to accommodate a fucking KID... and if you do your kegels and shit, you won't lose any muscle tone down there. word. hell, after popping two 10lb hellions out of my twat, BF still marvels at how tight it is. TMI? well fuck off. shoulda known this shit was comin' when you read the title, bitch. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>5. have you ever seen the lengths that a man will go to get a piece of that? they fucking love it. pussy has the power to get even the biggest, baddest man to STFU and do your bidding, if you know how to use it right.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i really don't think i can emphasize this any more than i already have. open those legs and take a peek at that sweet little snatch of yours. you OWE YOUR LIFE to another like it, and most of you can create life WITH IT. and even though that fucker might bleed for a week or so every month, it more than makes up for that shit by making you feel so damn GOOD when you (or your significant other) touches it just right. add to that the fact that menstruation should actually be blamed on that motherfucking, hatin' ass uterus. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>bottom line: treat that THUG-gina good, it will treat you good. do those kegels, buy some cotton underwear so that poor fucker can breathe. better yet, go commando sometimes. don't be letting any old tom, DICK, or harry just come poking away at it. use some fucking protection. keep that baby clean and groomed all pretty. seriously, how would you feel if you were left unprotected and diseased, to stew in your own juices and hair, wrapped in polyester and leather?? you know what happens when you fuck around with a thug? a thug will fuck around with YOU. and a THUG-gina is no different. so unless you wanna walk around with a flaming toxic crotch, take care of that shit. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>now if you'll excuse me, i have a date with my favorite fucking gangsta in the whole world..</b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-85298304408964618292012-04-20T12:04:00.000-07:002012-04-20T12:04:03.048-07:00the biggest pet peeve of all<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiGen9DHM_OJjCFUH4Bvd088Wrr55hY57VgvLg8CdJ5vQgfgMw8Umc5hnvA0J4iEujlH7wneIOQpqtnuVe1wnZVUjq28N9WDyOJSIHtCUL63aOXsvR27yXTq2yc9xx5lREbZiqR79ha3Q/s1600/fff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiGen9DHM_OJjCFUH4Bvd088Wrr55hY57VgvLg8CdJ5vQgfgMw8Umc5hnvA0J4iEujlH7wneIOQpqtnuVe1wnZVUjq28N9WDyOJSIHtCUL63aOXsvR27yXTq2yc9xx5lREbZiqR79ha3Q/s1600/fff.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>depending on how long you've been following this little collection of mental flatulence {i.e. brain farts}, you may or may not be familiar with a blog entitled "<a href="http://rantingravingallthewaytothekitchen.blogspot.ca/2012/01/pet-peeves.html" target="_blank">pet peeves</a>" that i wrote awhile back. well today, i have added yet another item to that list of stupid, unnecessary bullshit that makes volcanic ash come billowing from my motherfucking ears. this time, it's is a little more serious.. i'd advise you to either put on a helmet or wrap your head in something soft at this time, as this is some stupid fucking shit that should NOT be happening in this day and age. ready? here we go...</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>PEOPLE THAT SMOKE IN FRONT OF THEIR KIDS.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>really?? like fucking REALLY?? ok, ok.. i AM a smoker, and sometimes {depending on the time of the month} i smoke like a motherfucking chimney. but i'm an adult, and it is my choice to set fire to a little bundle of tobacco and inhale the carcinogenic smoke into my lungs, several fucking times a day. so no hatin' at all is directed at people who choose to do so as well. we know the consequences and shit. BUT here's the thing: while i will knowingly suck carcinogens into my body to fuel this sick addiction, never UNDER ANY MOTHERFUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES am i going to allow that same shit around my children. they have the RIGHT to clean air that is safe to breathe. therefore, when i want a fucking smoke, i GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE. i don't give a single sweet flying fuck if it's cold, wet, or the four horsemen of the motherfucking apocalypse are riding through the rez.. out the door i go.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>so you can imagine my absolute fucking SHOCK and ANGER when i see poor little kids strapped into their fucking car seats {safety first motherfucker! smh}, while their parent(s) sit with them in the car puffing away and justifying their actions by saying, "oh look, it's all going out the window!!" NO MOTHERFUCKER, IT IS NOT. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>then there's the fuckwits who seemingly could care less, and just smoke their brains out in the house, as if there were no children present. the house reeks of smoke, there's ashtrays overflowing with butts {and don't those look absolutely WONDERFUL to find a toddler sucking on?}, and the poor kid usually has a constant wheeze/cough, and is always getting ear infections and shit. dirty, selfish, fucking IMBECILES. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>yes, this is a sore subject for me because *i* grew up in a smoking home. back then, it wasn't unheard of for parents to continue to smoke indoors after their bundles of joy were brought home {often from a smoky hospital}. hell, my earliest memories are being at the dinner table trying to wave away the smoke from a cigarette smouldering in the ashtray 2 fucking inches away from my SUPPER! i was fucking 5. it was not FUN. so do me a favor. next time you see some fuckwit nonchalantly puffing away on a cig {and maybe even saying "oh no, don't go outside. we smoke indoors here, it's cool"}, give them a fucking piece of your mind. seriously. this shit is CHILD ABUSE.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-71652875760259929322012-03-06T20:53:00.000-08:002012-03-06T20:53:02.261-08:00kitchen Q&A<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUey9p0UBS4aCAlt7aeXRh4PbqVlSgiahsSFggZyaY-aI0QgkfytZZyas9ns6org-jWSSCDpt4MuIruxR1W3ZS2enWjKsNYt8ad-9t2LE0iBHC3tit2D0lCTLgpfx5umVSBHsNXiYPtY8/s1600/blog1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUey9p0UBS4aCAlt7aeXRh4PbqVlSgiahsSFggZyaY-aI0QgkfytZZyas9ns6org-jWSSCDpt4MuIruxR1W3ZS2enWjKsNYt8ad-9t2LE0iBHC3tit2D0lCTLgpfx5umVSBHsNXiYPtY8/s1600/blog1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. what's with the name? all i see is an assortment of fuck rants and random shit. do you even cook? do you have recipes to share?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. the name fits. i spend 95% of my life in this damn kitchen {ranting, raving, hunched over the laptop like an underfed orangutan.. wtf? i don't fucking know}. but yeah, this is where i am nearly ALL THE TIME. eating, cooking, cleaning, even <a href="http://ranting-kitchenbitch.blogspot.com/2012/03/sexy-back-day-2.html" target="_blank">working out</a>!! it's also where the laptop usually is!</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>and yes, i do cook. i would even say that i am pretty fucking good at it. i can't exactly share any recipes though, because i don't have any. basically i throw shit together based on past experiences and what i remember from cooking shows that i'm obsessed with, then bake, broil, fry, or sauté that shit. it usually turns out awesome, sometimes just "meh", and i can count on my fingers how many times i've actually had a kitchen fail. another thing: i am the MASTER of hiding healthy shit in food. the kids don't even know it, but they eat a lot of flax seeds, quinoa, spinach, wheat germ, and all that good stuff at nearly every meal.</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhESUYC4OTXVF6WB-1LHKAM3P_LpKiUXl0GUlnL-QGUJWhUDf14nQgI5pVArRHQlc75L0AY_Mw94cBFwzYieHM_8hrSdBbOoU4NiV7qXWdVOulhhAChMUMx8gxJDZeiN3vTKD8PSg6i6C8/s1600/blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhESUYC4OTXVF6WB-1LHKAM3P_LpKiUXl0GUlnL-QGUJWhUDf14nQgI5pVArRHQlc75L0AY_Mw94cBFwzYieHM_8hrSdBbOoU4NiV7qXWdVOulhhAChMUMx8gxJDZeiN3vTKD8PSg6i6C8/s1600/blog.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. why do you swear so much?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. a lot of people who read this blog or follow me on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ranting-Raving-All-the-Way-to-the-Kitchen/148165985281347" target="_blank">facebook</a> must think i'm a nasty, potty mouthed bitch, but to be honest, the worst word that i actually say out loud here is "frig". then of course, all of these swear words and frustrations get bottled up inside and batter my brain while i'm busy trying to be supermom {or just trying to survive til 8pm}. solution: swear on the fucking internet. it's therapeutic as fuck, and allows me to take something that pisses me right the fuck off and that has potential to drive me totally batshit insane {as opposed to my current level of 45.754% batshit insane} and turn it into something that i can later piss myself laughing over. it's cheaper than therapy, yo.</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU3_JFaVxg-aJZ7WKfbZ2bcDF6enGQx7c6fnW_YMlDuUD6yn-jIbi2maVBq-HZ1DS_lx4lxlUxMF5jGtu4meRkHeMgbI2i99M5fXdkOYPCBxD0f7k1x7Ykwk0_02zsaq3NvHd7sD-337A/s1600/blog2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU3_JFaVxg-aJZ7WKfbZ2bcDF6enGQx7c6fnW_YMlDuUD6yn-jIbi2maVBq-HZ1DS_lx4lxlUxMF5jGtu4meRkHeMgbI2i99M5fXdkOYPCBxD0f7k1x7Ykwk0_02zsaq3NvHd7sD-337A/s1600/blog2.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. you're ALWAYS bitching. is your life really THAT bad?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. omg, YES!! SAVE ME FROM THIS HELLISH LIFE OF DRUDGERY!! lol jk.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>life is actually pretty good. but i have a bad temper AND a way with words {particularly those of the vulgar persuasion}, and it's better for me to vent here while trying to make all of this stupid shit that pisses me off seem funny {even if only to me} than to freak the fuck out at home. this blog is the reason why you haven't read a news story about a crazy Canadian woman who was finally driven insane to the point of ripping her hair out and running down the street buck naked by the millionth puddle of piss she stepped in beside the toilet or the toothpaste splatters all over the bathroom mirror. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. fave song?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. wow, that was random.. and not an easy one to answer. i can't just pick ONE song, it really depends on my <strike>current mood swing</strike> mood. hmmm..</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/d2rmScLelmE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b> "sad"</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Db1s-eV-Bd0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b> "happy"</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://0.gvt0.com/vi/CSJXle3LP_Q/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/CSJXle3LP_Q&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/CSJXle3LP_Q&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b> "angry"</b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/DdsQtSXHYVc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b> "pumped"</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>that's the best i could do to narrow it down.. but it changes almost daily. those are my current faves by mood. and yes, i have listened to them ALL today, while feeling ALL of those moods. yeah, i'm a freak. you know you love it.</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAZOctW248wAR4B68ksUpYA93ub1ynw5PWXf15hXftmDfl-Cr7lf1xwy-Hm97daCpm3F9LtrVCYy_iggoSKcOMbbEXEtjUaEoB5D04yZrJLR9-1ZfBkfE2yMQn7P9gepjUBaQt2iX5HH4/s1600/blog3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAZOctW248wAR4B68ksUpYA93ub1ynw5PWXf15hXftmDfl-Cr7lf1xwy-Hm97daCpm3F9LtrVCYy_iggoSKcOMbbEXEtjUaEoB5D04yZrJLR9-1ZfBkfE2yMQn7P9gepjUBaQt2iX5HH4/s1600/blog3.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. what is the best thing a guy can do for his gf/wife?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. WTF man?! do i look like dr. phil or some shit? *le sigh* well since you asked... i actually have a few tidbits of knowledge to pass on to any men out there. i couldn't narrow it down to just one though. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>forget the flowers and shit. seriously, they can just be used as projectiles to be hurled at your fucking face the next time you piss her off. take the kids {if you have kids}, and GTFO. give her an ENTIRE day off, away from you needy fuckers {preferably in a clean house that anyone but HER has cleaned!}. let her sleep in without any interruptions for once. make her feel beautiful, every fucking day. appreciate her!! it ain't easy taking care of the house, kids, pets, AND your stinkin' ass every goddamned day while looking as scrumptious as she does! {word of caution: don't lay it on too thick, a little at a time! you don't want to spook her and make her think you've done something terrible like lost the farm on a cockfight}</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. what's the worst thing a guy can do to his gf/wife?</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzkdJ9-gpCMID7fadH4tMcvJZ8jZWWL1R7piJpo8bkuhyphenhyphenIFUuXeF2PMH43ZkVtMZAgVpvLnCRQ-fZGfhdWAsIWGUrOvrXEfeeSMu1XNlb0RrjM4FXGVCBjrg_G-fHN0g2utYbDPpZzPGk/s1600/blog4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzkdJ9-gpCMID7fadH4tMcvJZ8jZWWL1R7piJpo8bkuhyphenhyphenIFUuXeF2PMH43ZkVtMZAgVpvLnCRQ-fZGfhdWAsIWGUrOvrXEfeeSMu1XNlb0RrjM4FXGVCBjrg_G-fHN0g2utYbDPpZzPGk/s1600/blog4.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. oh fuck me. yeah, i could go on for AEONS about awful things that men do that they shouldn't. but i won't, for fear of breaking the whole damned internet with information overload. i did write a few totally readable blogs on the subject, entitled "<a href="http://rantingravingallthewaytothekitchen.blogspot.com/2011/12/for-men-folk.html" target="_blank">for the men-folk</a>", "<a href="http://rantingravingallthewaytothekitchen.blogspot.com/2012/01/pet-peeves.html" target="_blank">pet peeves</a>", and "<a href="http://rantingravingallthewaytothekitchen.blogspot.com/2012/02/hey-guys-wanna-get-laid-tonight.html" target="_blank">HEY GUYS! wanna get laid tonight?</a>" i strongly encourage you to read those if you have any concerns about how to deal with your little slutmuffin. but to answer this question, i'd have to say that one of the WORST things you can do to your gf/wife is to NOT LISTEN. there's next to nothing that will get her into the grannie panties and anti-penetration pants faster than the sight of you zoning out on the tv, computer, or even just off into space when she is talking. for fuck sakes, can't you at least TRY to absorb even a bit of the likely CRUCIAL knowledge that she is imparting on you? fuck.</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1UWG1V9GH7z4tD6tILcPjeU9fZsHxdsYiHXAOKjgLas9xrxKYiwC_7_3h5VJPrygb1vC6HpCysf1VoGf-QkqPL5V9PrXEyiCSDYygg5OzZvCxuoudYrsvBVOEEwS3TsKo6X-dpijnbCo/s1600/blog5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1UWG1V9GH7z4tD6tILcPjeU9fZsHxdsYiHXAOKjgLas9xrxKYiwC_7_3h5VJPrygb1vC6HpCysf1VoGf-QkqPL5V9PrXEyiCSDYygg5OzZvCxuoudYrsvBVOEEwS3TsKo6X-dpijnbCo/s1600/blog5.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. what is the best thing a guy has done for you, personally?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. the best thing a man has done for me personally is to give me three of the most beautiful, funny, and infuriatingly hilarious little bastards {literally.. they are bastards lol} on the face of the earth. as corny as it sounds, they truly are my greatest achievement.. and i couldn't have done it without BF and his manly fluids.</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRNX0RLTM504LJJWFLckxavy5Zj5h-qD7js4OgXTgMX9Zk4QhVH646g8246M5-8ziS1Zxd8eq-Etr3-ZpH2r6kNqFnYLicou_X_E6GWabb9aNFfCFx8zZ6jKHTfr2PCw6zLBqJG8Khak/s1600/blog6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiRNX0RLTM504LJJWFLckxavy5Zj5h-qD7js4OgXTgMX9Zk4QhVH646g8246M5-8ziS1Zxd8eq-Etr3-ZpH2r6kNqFnYLicou_X_E6GWabb9aNFfCFx8zZ6jKHTfr2PCw6zLBqJG8Khak/s1600/blog6.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. how about the worst/weirdest thing a guy has ever done to you personally?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. ehhh.. tough one. i can't tell you the worst, because it would suck the funny right the fuck out of this post. hmmm.... i CAN do weird though. how about the time this star wars geek i dated professed his UNDYING love for me by writing a barely legible, senseless fucking POEM for me.. in my fucking DIARY, which, up to that point, i had NO IDEA he even knew about? as if that wasn't fucked up enough, this was after a mere MONTH of knowing each other. i let that slide {he was super cute}, since i figured it was just my fine ass booty and skills that had him all fucked in the head, and that once he grew accustomed to having quality sexy time on the regular, he would chill the fuck out with all of his soulmate, "love, endless like a river" {LO-MOTHERFUCKING-L!!} bullshit. NOPE. it got worse. evey fucking time we were together- alone, in public, with friends, EVERYWHERE-he started constantly staring at me. CONSTANTLY. my girlfriends and i noticed and were creeped the fuck out, so we called him out on it. his reply? "she's just so beautiful. i love her" in a disturbingly worshipful tone that made it sound like he had been brainwashed or some shit. needless to say, he didn't last too long. weird enough for ya?</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg86mKNScF-sFakowB21959bAsXsIlmMGVzsTg4Gz6Lz6wigW5mz7upcsFPoMRzJh911npUSSlbP1pUSEN47-GtPVDIVyu65EtfxjjtAE-a6FVcTLKMM8KOuCszV9yQPuakF_vVTpcbfWQ/s1600/blog7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg86mKNScF-sFakowB21959bAsXsIlmMGVzsTg4Gz6Lz6wigW5mz7upcsFPoMRzJh911npUSSlbP1pUSEN47-GtPVDIVyu65EtfxjjtAE-a6FVcTLKMM8KOuCszV9yQPuakF_vVTpcbfWQ/s1600/blog7.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Q. last question. what is the best thing about being a mother?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>A. there a a lot of shitty things about motherhood, like: never-ending messes, dirty diapers, lack of sleep, back-talking, teething, potty training... it just goes on and on and on and.. fuck. i need a drink. whew.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>anyway.. all this shit is going down and it sucks. but THEN your toddler {who up to that point, you could have sworn HATED you} gives you a sweet smile or random kiss, the 5 year old tells you he has the prettiest mommy ever {without even asking for something afterwards}, or the usually snarky 3rd grader asks to be taught to make coffee so that he can bring it to you in the morning.. they might be different for a lot of moms, but it is these little moments that truly are the best part of being a mommy, and they help you see that maybe, just maybe, you're not totally fucking these kids up. you bask in the warmth of all these squishy, lovey dovey feelings, and all is right in the world... then BAM!! CRASH!! BANG!!! they are back to trying to kill eachother, and the moment is gone. but hey, it was totally worth it.<br />
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</b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-50487471005520117422012-02-14T13:20:00.000-08:002012-02-14T13:20:59.825-08:00HEY GUYS! wanna get laid tonight?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSCmYkvhMKAnJJ7WcoLsuAOv0yo47wmQ04zSP56PXgXT_SsCJePirMA_KRe5h0kShPuIsJHbIg3HKQZOVwFivJuR8M-iCqsO5tQZUWta4MQ9orknLPfcz0M7-P6tfSohbi1ve6UjE9URU/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSCmYkvhMKAnJJ7WcoLsuAOv0yo47wmQ04zSP56PXgXT_SsCJePirMA_KRe5h0kShPuIsJHbIg3HKQZOVwFivJuR8M-iCqsO5tQZUWta4MQ9orknLPfcz0M7-P6tfSohbi1ve6UjE9URU/s1600/download.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">if wifey looks like this, chances are, <br />
you are NOT getting any pussy tonight. </td></tr>
</tbody></table><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">i'm just a little fucking angry today, and i choose to channel that anger towards writing some really fucking useful shit. you know, because if i wasn't pounding away at this fucking keyboard, i'd be pounding the fucking roses {thorns first, of course} right into the asshole {or urethra.. my ovaries haven't decided yet just how mad i should be} of the man who lives with me that i fuck occasionally. i'll spare you the details because i fear that if i even attempt to regurgitate even one incidence out of the many incidences of douchebaggery that i was exposed to today, i might just fucking explode. and who the fuck would clean my entrails and smoking, splattered remains from the walls, floors, and ceiling? that's right. NO FUCKING ONE. </span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>what i will say is this: i am on the fucking rag and mood swingy enough that anyone with common sense who has been around me for even 25 seconds today should be able to see the big flashing "DON'T FUCK WITH ME TODAY" sign above my head. ok, so i don't actually have one, but fuck, i think i should. anyway..</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>you wanna get laid tonight? maybe you bought some shit for that special chick that you bang on the regular. or maybe you want to skip the tuesday night tv and are hoping those dinner reservations and all that other shit will get you into wifey's panties. OR maybe you just want to sit back with some porn and lotion and just fucking POUND your good 'ole winky half to death. if you're doing the latter, this post is not for you. feel free to continue reading, but know this: i am mentally sending out cosmic deathrays {i don't know wtf i'm talking about} over the internet because i fucking hate you for being single. you lucky bastard. fuck off. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>ok. whew. sorry. too much anger and caffeine running through me at the moment.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>anywhooo.... you wanna get laid right? and sometimes it is hard to fit in the sexy time with work, kids, dogs, cats, fucking APHIDS.. or whatever the fuck it is that you do that keeps you from busting the goddamned bed frame. so you think, "hey, motherfuckers! it's valentine's day! i'll get that bitch some {insert whatever the fuck she likes that you can afford here}, spout off some mushy shit i seen on twilight or found on the internet, and we will fuck 'til we scream {or 'til we get out of breath and light-headed because we haven't done so good on the new year's resolution of getting in shape}." </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>well, that's a nice thought and all... but fucking GUESS WHAT?! </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>1. flowers, candy, and jewellry {well, i could be wrong with the jewellry} are nice and shit.. BUT they do not have the power to erase from her mind what an inconsiderate, snivelling little cunt you've been yesterday or last week. AND those little tokens of your desire to continue having</b></span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> your dick sucked on the regular {because that is what it really boils down to, right?} do not mean that you will be automatically excused from, or suffer milder consequences from any future acts of asshattery. basically, if you're a dick, fucking STOP IT. </b></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">2. women want to get laid too. BUT if you have kids, animals, or aphids {wtf?!} that need to go to school or even {gasp!!} be fed and cleaned up after, and you just hand her the roses or whatever other bullshit you hustled up for today before plopping your ass down and being the same old lazy cunt that you've been for the past 364 days, she's gonna be too fucking tired, annoyed, and downright disgusted with your pathetic ass to even blow a kiss at you, let alone suck your dick til you scream like the little bitch you are. you know what's sexy and that drops panties more effectively than any fucking bundle of dying vegetation, fattening candy, or going to eat in some pretentious shithole that she's really not in the mood for squeezing into nice clothes for? a fucking man that's secure enough in his own manhood to pick up a fucking broom, wipe some toddler snot, and maybe even fucking offer to make her something to eat! it doesn't even matter if you suck at those things {well, except for the snot wiping. how can you fuck that up, even if you are just a man? seriously}, at least fucking TRY. and don't just fucking do it today. PLEASE make an effort to be less of a useless bag of flesh on other days besides this one. it will be worth it, i promise. </span></b><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">yeah we're bitches, and maybe even psychotic cunts sometimes.. but if you just TRY to not be a lazy fuckbag, she might just notice that shit. maybe, just maybe, she might decide against those anti-penetration sweatpants, and choose instead some sexy lingerie. </span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>now, lazy assholes of the internets, GTFO. did you honestly think i was going to give you a butt load of tips and tricks for getting into some panties tonight? HA! see, you're being fucking lazy again. fuck off with that. seriously. what i've given you here is the basics. i don't think you will have a very hard time figuring out other ways to not be a dick... and if you do, well FUCK. maybe you should have just stuck with the trusty jergens and porn. just sayin'</b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-67507785686667722642012-02-04T16:56:00.000-08:002012-02-04T16:57:01.645-08:00kitchen bitch has a chat with ~My Inner Child Is a Drunken Whore~<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgic5CIoG6fWsk6TbVj12yN-MFanJ5iCAQ5QsrTAQDtBPx9dohBndxbc24HlFAtjfKM7ZR3wrNpeuhiTbeQVk_ndqi6X7T0M9U_ZQoET_Jhi7o5RcYVIrzV8kBPLeoYbn6JgvDysnD1Sp0/s1600/whore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="467" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgic5CIoG6fWsk6TbVj12yN-MFanJ5iCAQ5QsrTAQDtBPx9dohBndxbc24HlFAtjfKM7ZR3wrNpeuhiTbeQVk_ndqi6X7T0M9U_ZQoET_Jhi7o5RcYVIrzV8kBPLeoYbn6JgvDysnD1Sp0/s640/whore.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>recently i had the opportunity to interview everyone's favorite drunken whore: the mad genius behind the fb page, as well as a spankin' new blog, known to many as ~My Inner Child Is a Drunken Whore~</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>now if you haven't checked out her page or blog, i strongly urge you to do so now, because it is the shit! click <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Inner-Child-Is-a-Drunken-Whore/184658378289119?ref=ts" target="_blank">HERE</a>, fuckers.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>anywho.. on with the interview :)</b></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>~*~</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">well, hello Whore! um, i can call you that right?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">of course you can, everyone else does.</span></span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">first things first.. are you watching the Superbowl? Who ya rootin' for?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">yes i'm watching the game, and i'm voting for the PATRIOTS... mainly because i'd like to spank Tom brady's ass with a raw chicken.</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>{<span style="color: #674ea7;">i heave a MASSIVE fucking sigh of relief that i'm not stuck interviewing one of those football hatin' bitches in need of a cunt punt</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">you have a thing for raw chicken? or is it just that Tom Brady makes you crazy?</span> {<span style="color: #674ea7;">fucker makes me crazy too.. YUM</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">meebee a leetle of both *wink wink*</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>{<span style="color: #674ea7;">i find myself both afraid and weirdly excited</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">you have a totally kick ass fb page, and more recently, a blog. when did you start, and why?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">the page i started november 19, 2011 and the blog a couple weeks ago. as for why, most of my facebook friends are boring as fuck, and it was suggested that i am a funny bitch.. so i said, "hey, why the fuck not?" and that's how my baby was created.</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">thank fuck for boring facebook friends!! i don't know what i'd do without my favorite whore!!</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>what would you say is the best part of being a kick ass, sexxxy fb page admin?</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">rawrr... you think i'm sexy? you should say that again, but with your pants off ;)</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">o.O</span> {<span style="color: #674ea7;">demurely flashing a bit of leg</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>*<span style="color: #674ea7;">ahem</span>* <span style="color: #674ea7;">well, back to the subject at hand.. what is the worst thing about being a page admin?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">trying to keep up with it between work and family.</span> </b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">well, i think you're doing great! any troll horror stories you'd like to share?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">i have this one particular horror story, but it would take too long and you know about it anyway. it's more of a TROLL HUNTER story though.</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>{<span style="color: #674ea7;">i nod knowingly and shudder at the shared memory</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">you are a drunken whore. what is your drink of choice?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">drink of choice is nuvo (the pink kind)</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">wtf is in that flask? can i have some??</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: {<span style="color: #a64d79;">giggling</span>} <span style="color: #a64d79;">i have roofie-laced nyquil and yes you can have some, BUT i will take advantage of you.. just a warning :)</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>{<span style="color: #674ea7;">i think, "ehhh, what the hell?" and take a swig of the flask</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">craziest thing you've drunk?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">four loko---that shit is INSANE!</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>{<span style="color: #674ea7;">alcohol AND caffeine? i think i love this bitch!!</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">fuck, marry or kill-justin bieber, tom brady, prince?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">FUCK tom brady, KILL justin bieber, MARRY prince</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>{<span style="color: #674ea7;">yep, i love this fuckin bitch!</span>}</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: <span style="color: #674ea7;">do you have anything to say to any aspiring drunken whores out there?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">just that they better stop aspiring, because i'm the only drunken whore around!</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>r&r: {<span style="color: #674ea7;">throwing papers in the air</span>} <span style="color: #674ea7;">well, that's about all i got. wanna go get drunk and dirty?</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>Whore: <span style="color: #a64d79;">take another sip of my flask and we'll see what happens ;)</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>...SEVERAL HOURS LATER..</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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</b></span></div>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-12199654218443273612012-02-03T16:05:00.000-08:002012-02-03T16:06:54.797-08:00on bieber fever, twitches, and shitty music<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7rgr1OOqbOslp6RSNNXfvMKsrWTqdgzvrzbZAix6C_c-HzsP7HX7XXQME7NNJ0vcl_pmH0xRQOd9XmB-9YjOuiWrRcrwtbsORivTugQQq67rlCP7pOd-Cq4_dRiixnaRa0CdVjb6dTqs/s1600/draft.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7rgr1OOqbOslp6RSNNXfvMKsrWTqdgzvrzbZAix6C_c-HzsP7HX7XXQME7NNJ0vcl_pmH0xRQOd9XmB-9YjOuiWrRcrwtbsORivTugQQq67rlCP7pOd-Cq4_dRiixnaRa0CdVjb6dTqs/s320/draft.png" width="320" /></a></div><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">what in the sweet FUCK is with tween bitches {from here on in, i will refer to them as twitches} these days? i know, i know. that question is asked by every generation of adults regarding the kids of the day. but really, WHAT THE FUCK?</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>you guessed it. the subject of my puzzlement and hatred is justin fucking bieber, who has been whipping twitches {and sometimes even their mothers} into screaming, crying, fucking psychotic frenzies. and over what? a little asshole whose balls {if s/he has 'em} haven't yet made the journey out of his/her abdominal cavity. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>*sighs* i remember pop music back in my day, when i was a stupid little twitch. and it is those memories that make me wish that justin timberlake would take a fucking break from the movies and come back to music to show the little twitches of today what shitty pop music REALLY is. come back, JT!! come back with a record-breaking, sickeningly sappy-sweet hit single filled with subtle innuendos that not even adults can decipher, enough moonwalking, gyrating moves to drive them wild but not enough to creep out the parents, and, FOR FUCK SAKES, includes you dancing shirtless in the rain for no apparent reason. crush this little pissant under your heel, and bring back shitty music in its pure, natural form!!!</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>ok, so before i get too wound up, let me make something clear. as a twitch, i was a DIEHARD backstreet boys fan, and felt not much more than resentment and distaste for 'n sync as they outshined and eventually demolished the subjects of my many fantasy weddings. but for the purpose of this blog, i am beseeching JT to return only because i don't know what the fuck happened to the BSB. one is/was in rehab.. i don't fucking know. the point is, they obviously can't change the minds of today's twitches any more than i can wear a fucking string bikini with confidence. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i will now show you, dear readers, how JT {as he was in 'n sync's heyday, before the solo career} could make all of today's twitches forget about that cute little antichrist known as JB.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>twitches from any generation are assholes. which is why i believe that things were better {and safer for delicate egos} in my day. you see, back then, we had something called BOY BANDS. nowadays, twitches are divided into two camps, pro-bieber and bieber haters; bitterly glaring, whispering and pointing at each other from opposite ends </b></span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">of the cafeteria. either you like him, or you get pecked to death by the scores of junior hens that do {do little girls still pull that shit?}.</b><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </b></span><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">with boy bands, you had 3-5 boys to choose from, with 4763492 DIFFERENT fucking boy bands to choose them from. something for every-fucking-one. obviously, i am an advocate for the return of boy bands. and who was the hottest, most screamed, cried, and mooned over boy band frontman EVER? justin motherfuckin' timberlake!</span></b><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">another point to consider is age. when JT first made it big, he was 16. he had already gotten past the awkward voice changing and growth spurts. basically he was only going to get hotter. he was the perfect age for pre-teen AND teen crushes. old enough to be mysterious, but not old enough to be anyone's father {remember, this was before teen mom and all that bullshit}. another reason 90s twitches swooned over him, was that HE WAS NOT THEIR OWN FUCKING AGE, because everyone knows that male tweens are fucking ASSHOLES. their idea of trying to show affection to a girl is to torment them incessantly, shoot spitballs at the backs of their heads, and pull their fucking hair. well... maybe they aren't so far off with the hair pulling, since some women {like me!} do enjoy it during certain intimate occasions. perhaps it is an instinct of sorts, that goes back to the caveman days. in any case, i'd rather have JT pulling my hair in that context than... FUCK. never mind. forget those last few sentences. jesus christ. </span></b><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">ANYWAY... moving the fuck on.. how old was JB when he "made it"? fucking 12 or 13. WHAT THE FUCK TWITCHES? did you not ever wonder then if he would suddenly undergo a catastrophic voice change, growth spurt, or acne explosion? granted, he seems to have survived to the ripe old age of 17 without any of these career-ending physical changes, he had NO BUSINESS trying to break into the entertainment world when that shit was a possibility. anyone remember aaron carter? HA! didn't think so.</span></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVtQNeAXoLKm-QWuuE2UNLYVHvGqWgmUdUjza42U1ZzdSO_DX1WriRRZttdVuu3j3IbAME8BrD13ZJImQwKW2O91NxHAwLoDzHscY0h_BD5DH0EYWfPjlqjwb3y3MkO2fOsOaXLtjlQz8/s1600/AC.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVtQNeAXoLKm-QWuuE2UNLYVHvGqWgmUdUjza42U1ZzdSO_DX1WriRRZttdVuu3j3IbAME8BrD13ZJImQwKW2O91NxHAwLoDzHscY0h_BD5DH0EYWfPjlqjwb3y3MkO2fOsOaXLtjlQz8/s320/AC.png" width="122" /></span></a></div><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">despite all of the awkward physical changes that DIDN'T happen, it is rather nice fodder for daydreams. i often giggle to myself at the mental image of a stringbean-esque, pizza-faced JB with a voice that alternates between chipmunk and lifetime crack smoker. </span></b><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">and imagine the fucking gnashing of teeth and screaming in the streets if this shit WOULD HAVE happened to little JB!! fucking twitches would have brought civilization to its knees with that shit. </span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>moving on to looks. JB isn't ugly, he's actually a cute kid. and by cute i mean i'd ruffle his hair {oops how'd that gum get in my hand? darn. i guess you'll have to CUT THAT FUCKING MOP OFF!}, give him a cookie, and send him on his way. even back when i was a twitch, a boy so pretty that he could be considered a girl was questionable crush material. i certainly wouldn't have had that kind of mug plastered all over my fucking walls, ceiling, and door. but JT? even though i am *not* a fan, i am not dead or blind. he was and still is fucking downright EDIBLE. he did have a baby face and pouty lips, but there was NO FUCKING WAY you'd mistake him for a chick. i knew he had sex appeal before i even knew what the fuck that was. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i know this might not make a bit of difference. JB will more than likely continue to make shitty music and rake in billions of hard-earned money from frazzled parents who will do anything to get their little twitches to shut the fuck up.. but i have hope that someday, somehow JT will stumble upon this humble blog of mine and heed my pleas for help. it's not too late, JT! your star hasn't faded. your career has survived into your adulthood, and you're not merely famous due to drug addiction, multiple marriages, or drama whore-dom. while i am not normally a fan of your type of music, i have {and sometimes still do} jam to some of your tunes. quite frankly, despite my prior devotion to BSB, you have outshined them even in my current playlist. {fuck off right now! everyone has a guilty pleasure!}</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>and NOW you're in movies! SNL! you're actually funny and a decent actor! i'm sure all that is just fucking peachy for you, but the fact of the matter is that you are needed NOW back on the music scene! for the love of all that is shitty and gag-worthy in pop music, PLEASE knock this little puke into the abyss of has-been teen stars and shitty reality TV. i bet dr. drew is fucking SALIVATING at the chance to counsel this kid one day. </b></span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN! DO IT FOR THE FUCKING TWITCHES! i have a daughter, mr. timberlake. as do a lot of other parents. give them something, ANYTHING to drool over besides THIS</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7XzpD1lHfZ2swO-zvP62tIKmcrKtUhoCJ-xSL-zL0xzMNva7DhAP019ECnZwIDhbD_t141Arehi_Kpzr23p4uxflr_Buqc_7I8xiBbyGB_veHG288qSrTJ7CiqKHCbbz7OmMKXStkAYk/s1600/naughty-memes-bieber-beaver.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7XzpD1lHfZ2swO-zvP62tIKmcrKtUhoCJ-xSL-zL0xzMNva7DhAP019ECnZwIDhbD_t141Arehi_Kpzr23p4uxflr_Buqc_7I8xiBbyGB_veHG288qSrTJ7CiqKHCbbz7OmMKXStkAYk/s400/naughty-memes-bieber-beaver.jpg" width="292" /></a></div><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><br />
</b>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-84756302427112776412012-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:002012-02-01T11:03:47.533-08:00the dick punch: a comprehensive guide<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>in today's society, asshatery and dougebaggery have become rampant, as well as the problem of fucktarditis, which has reached PANDEMIC proportions. since the world health organization has ignored my repeated attempts to have these important mental health issues brought to the forefront and discussed on an international level, i have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>there is only ONE proper and humane way to deal with asshats, douchebags, and fucktards. you guessed it, my darling pupils: the DICK PUNCH.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>PLEASE NOTE: for any asshats, douchebags, and fucktarditis carriers that are lacking a dick, the cunt punt is another approved means of helping them to see the error of their ways. we will explore this issue in a future post. </b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUQk-hYMxBc1GojLn84MrjiUhgmOBlX6tTSrOHuheK_4o6mneCFMUAOHUWEKbn3XjN-44WdTXQ9CkkL4wSMkVfwTNgKkti2efloZbIfbGvMpIGUWoQjG-VGYGWCz-1Om5j6K8xru2Wc3o/s1600/dickpunch.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUQk-hYMxBc1GojLn84MrjiUhgmOBlX6tTSrOHuheK_4o6mneCFMUAOHUWEKbn3XjN-44WdTXQ9CkkL4wSMkVfwTNgKkti2efloZbIfbGvMpIGUWoQjG-VGYGWCz-1Om5j6K8xru2Wc3o/s640/dickpunch.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: small;">in case there is any confusion as to what i mean, this is the definition of dick punch that i am referring to. NOT the placing of one's penis in someone's drink, OR the punching of someone with one's penis. interestly, these other definitions describe quite nicely situations that do, in my humble opinion, warrant a dick punch.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>there are many, many different situations that call for a dick punch. so many, in fact, that there is no way that i can include them all. what i will tell you is this: any incidences of asshatery, douchbaggery, or fucktarditis are prime opportunities to punch the dick into oblivion. it is up to you, dear reader, to determine if, when, and at what angle the dick punch should be administered.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i bet all of the men-folk reading this {if any}, are cringing and cradling their beloved little friends in a protective fist and wondering, "just WHAT IN THE FUCK is wrong with this here kitchen bitch?!"</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>fear not, menfolk. the dick punch is not just for us ladies. i bet there are fucking SHITLOADS of dicks you'd like to pulverize under your fists. admit it. i know this because some of the information and educational diagrams i will use for this post were found in "The Alphabet of Manliness", under C for Cockpunch {awesome book by the way}. this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are, in fact, dicks out there that not only deserve to be punched, but that some all but fucking PLEAD for it. </b></span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijvKt4eXiSDbKbBs3NWgLMflXw4XgSgmnfIzSbAPYHBdVwfNcpEfT84Y3g1SAXDO4Mbq4RssR_0T65beF3QFwjIfXGq6l4keXcZqa8vcnKgNvXJ7eLA30XcRTI0wDJ9K5QCMZsw8jEyXQ/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijvKt4eXiSDbKbBs3NWgLMflXw4XgSgmnfIzSbAPYHBdVwfNcpEfT84Y3g1SAXDO4Mbq4RssR_0T65beF3QFwjIfXGq6l4keXcZqa8vcnKgNvXJ7eLA30XcRTI0wDJ9K5QCMZsw8jEyXQ/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">figure 1</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i see that some of you are still looking skeptical. rest easy, my dick-loving friends. the dick punch is a natural, instinctive reaction to asshats that has been so unfortunately suppressed by the societal pressures of civilization. you know, all that there bullshit about manners and tact. but we need not bow down and live according to social norms!! the dick punch is NATURAL. the dick punch is PURE. the dick punch is RIGHT. why, you can even find it in nature!! {see figure 1} </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>in closing, i had wished to give some instruction as to dick punch techniques. but i feel that would take up a lot of space, so what i will tell you instead is this: if you can throw a fucking punch, you can punch a fucking dick. practice, try different angles, develope your own personal style to add that extra bit of flair to make it a bit more memorable. might i suggest jazz hands immediately following administration of the dick punch? </b></span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">i have also provided the following visual aides for your benefit. please see below. and remember: ANYONE can punch a dick, but NOT every dick should be punched. </b><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHHEU3uOFkUQC7YAJlTE7U2jZ58DVGHsBJAC9kbDcTP8eWXxNc7agbRtitsGpO7DJpAQEP8RxQJe5RVsUAPl_uoMPBewlCjB8VBOvBI5SWdtqPwB89tLD-yeDDAyNb-lI1sBaNYqhEg10/s1600/dd.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHHEU3uOFkUQC7YAJlTE7U2jZ58DVGHsBJAC9kbDcTP8eWXxNc7agbRtitsGpO7DJpAQEP8RxQJe5RVsUAPl_uoMPBewlCjB8VBOvBI5SWdtqPwB89tLD-yeDDAyNb-lI1sBaNYqhEg10/s320/dd.png" width="311" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">source: the alphabet of manliness<br />
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<tr><td><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ApQ92-1Mju5_2gRNKmRl125otkA3trb5biI06LFTOSYx1QvtN_X5Gd-GOo53JkHH4zEe6fKlfRWpg3lyo5gtccM0CTCM-oQBrag_bYczkshijXMIxEtap8I6XtdI_mLyYKxs_mk0MZE/s1600/stealthdickpunch.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7ApQ92-1Mju5_2gRNKmRl125otkA3trb5biI06LFTOSYx1QvtN_X5Gd-GOo53JkHH4zEe6fKlfRWpg3lyo5gtccM0CTCM-oQBrag_bYczkshijXMIxEtap8I6XtdI_mLyYKxs_mk0MZE/s320/stealthdickpunch.png" width="248" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption">also from the alphabet of manliness</td></tr>
</tbody></table>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-15190340189735049002012-01-29T14:22:00.000-08:002012-01-29T14:22:44.105-08:00suck ass sunday<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>meh... so i missed my customary <a href="http://rantingravingallthewaytothekitchen.blogspot.com/2012/01/sexy-saturday-3.html">Sexy Saturday</a> post. forgive me? i'll give you this as an apology:</b></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUuprnNvR0vhR95feGp162nW0AEVsAQ1gr0SMyQtVGk8QC37b3NXyC8CMaDTYRIc_tsZs4rz8XZMXuwdR59tu5oQamQO0PIUSX_Uome0ltclnkvtpN3npr7ZTWDE-zZejYD2Zg5qleTV0/s1600/download+(4).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUuprnNvR0vhR95feGp162nW0AEVsAQ1gr0SMyQtVGk8QC37b3NXyC8CMaDTYRIc_tsZs4rz8XZMXuwdR59tu5oQamQO0PIUSX_Uome0ltclnkvtpN3npr7ZTWDE-zZejYD2Zg5qleTV0/s1600/download+(4).jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">you're welcome<br />
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</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>the reason i missed it, is that i was hung THE FUCK over. see, i drink maybe once a month now {geez, YES I KNOW.. i really gotta settle down with my crazy ass}, and friday was one of those nights. and as a result of my pounding, about to explode brain, i postponed the customary morning-after "scroll of shame" until today. it's not as bad looking at all of the foolish, irrelevant, and downright WTF moments of online inebriation when the hangover is nothing but a memory.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>anywho, because of my over-indulgence in the wine on friday night, i didn't so much as open the lid of my laptop on saturday. not that i had much feel-good, positive sexy saturday goodness to report..</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>so today shall be dubbed "SUCK ASS SUNDAY".</b></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvzyW-PzH06C09X_czrEI-MZ3KJKzZCt7tpragE8RVXj_SDWoHce3wirVQp-0bRmpVUpxgKuwoYui5vnY4c1aaLhigGZ-9OJhXRj9cQHNU6TxK1I-gaet2gwjQjJz2Ru5NHK79HvjzmDQ/s1600/bear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvzyW-PzH06C09X_czrEI-MZ3KJKzZCt7tpragE8RVXj_SDWoHce3wirVQp-0bRmpVUpxgKuwoYui5vnY4c1aaLhigGZ-9OJhXRj9cQHNU6TxK1I-gaet2gwjQjJz2Ru5NHK79HvjzmDQ/s1600/bear.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>ok, i will admit that this entire week hasn't sucked ass. there were a few good things. but FUCK i'm mad NOW, and i don't want to be un-mad.. yet. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1. BF is a dick face who was gone for 3 days without a single call, message, or ANYTHING. apparently he got picked up while on his way home for a weed possession charge. i really don't care if the fucking aliens came down from planet whateverthefuck to anal probe him and bring world peace from the info collected in his rectum. HE COULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED IN SOME WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM to contact me. he's back now, and i am trying to restrain my spork hand from sporking his nutsack off and mounting it on my wall. the adult discussion will commence once the children are asleep. and by adult discussion i mean me TEARING him a BRAND-NEW shiny asshole. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>2. my cat is in heat and had a threesome {?} with my dogs. yeah, i know.. WTF?! and no, i am NOT going into an in-depth explanation on THAT. the fact that i had to type those words is enough of a reason for me to say FML as it is.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>and there you have it. this sunday can suck my pretty little ass :)</b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-18738302540107967022012-01-23T19:27:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.007-08:00turning a ho into a housewife<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>for the purpose of this blog, i will be using the following definition of ho from urbandictionary.com: "a woman who uses her body...for material gain or to <span style="color: red;">boost her own ego.</span>"</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>k, everyone all clear? alright, brace yourselves. i, the ranting kitchen bitch that you have come to know and love {i hope!}, was once a HO. while i never did straight out prostitution, i did bang a lot of guys. i'll explain why. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>you see, i used to be a fat girl. i was obese all through junior high. around the time i discovered weed and alcohol, i discovered anorexia as well.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>of course, once the weight came off, i was suddenly visible to all the boys that had once ignored me. rather than enjoying this new attention, i was terrified. you see, despite my new figure, i was still that shy and insecure girl inside. as a result, i made a lot of bad choices. i didn't respect my own body, and would do ANYTHING to please ANY guy who so much as gave me the time of day. add in some substance abuse issues, and you can see that i was one motherfucker of a trainwreck.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>fast forward 10 years. i am now a stay at home mom of 3 lovely children, and i have been with my darling {yet frequently infuriating} BF for 8 years. i am living proof that a ho can be a housewife.. a fucking damn good one too, if i may say so myself.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>hey hey HEY! get the fuck back here and stop texting that skank!! i am NOT finished. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>FIRST OF ALL, not just ANY little slutmuffin that you pick up at the bar after she's finished blowing chunks on the dance floor can make this transformation. SECONDLY, not all chicks want settle down with one guy. some of my bitches just wanna have some fun. you know these chicks.. get in, get {me} off, get the FUCK out so i can watch my shows and fart whenever the fuck i want. last, but by no means least, not all of the undomesticated sex kittens out there are fucked in the head with issues like mine. some of them just like the cock, and lots of it. and there's nothing wrong with that. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i guess what i'm trying to say is that there are perfectly valid reasons to be promiscuous, provided you respect yourself, be safe, and are doing it for YOUR pleasure. needless to say, i was doing it wrong. until BF came along, of course. following, you will find my theories on how he turned a ho {the kind that i was} into a housewife:</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1. <i>don't just fuck her, make love to her. {unless she's in the mood for a fuck}</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>2. <i>help her see that her body is a beautiful thing, to be respected and worshipped for its power to give pleasure and life, not just a prop for the pleasure of others.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>3. <i>encourage her to voice her needs in bed, and make sure she has an orgasm first. some of us haven't discovered how much pleasure our bodies can bring us, after years of using it solely for the pleasure of others.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/4GyipHE9DHs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-16096095754840495752012-01-21T17:26:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.028-08:00finding the funny<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />so, i'm depressed. big fucking surprise there. i'm also pissed off at myself for being so goddamned apathetic and moping around like a fucking kicked puppy. what the fuck, self?</b></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJyyQczrBKxcueVMtJ2cpo3EWEn0HN119miPVVzVZ-TgYNsHk1uoEs9dGPGd_ZrjhktkNBCqonk9lSYkDpvf7Fqtt5amD9X1XyAvuD2XKCCmqgw8BnLsDac-CuoyN1zdvibrp5-BMksv8/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJyyQczrBKxcueVMtJ2cpo3EWEn0HN119miPVVzVZ-TgYNsHk1uoEs9dGPGd_ZrjhktkNBCqonk9lSYkDpvf7Fqtt5amD9X1XyAvuD2XKCCmqgw8BnLsDac-CuoyN1zdvibrp5-BMksv8/s1600/download.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>it seems that what i really should be doing is taking my own advice of a couple weeks ago: try to <a href="http://rantingravingkitchen.blogspot.com/2012/01/sexy-saturday-world-premiere.html">find the fucking funny</a> in shit. ok. so how? re-do this week's <a href="http://rantingravingkitchen.blogspot.com/2012/01/sexy-saturday-3.html">SEXY SATURDAY</a> post perhaps? nahhh man, i kinda like that one. even though i wrote all of one sentence. hmmm... funny funny funny.. where the FUCK is my funny?!</b></span><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">if you've ever been depressed before, maybe you'll be able to relate to this. i looked really funny today. this morning i changed out of my bed clothes into *surprise* more bed clothes. a BRIGHT blue and pink striped tweety bird tank and canary yellow shorts, to be exact. don't judge me. depression doesn't color coordinate. don't try to envision how i must have looked, either. i don't want your eyes to bleed. </span></b><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ct0GZxZxA9W_GeONdIEK4OGGB7tUzSE7smpPq7LbktWcmVbqjtioYAHqXt0BeES2TTFIra2pWbOyrFJJAortvhyRojx-8fX9DPANOyRRKT3ZsnB4MW44WME1uG16PoYAZCEadDTve5Q/s1600/download+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ct0GZxZxA9W_GeONdIEK4OGGB7tUzSE7smpPq7LbktWcmVbqjtioYAHqXt0BeES2TTFIra2pWbOyrFJJAortvhyRojx-8fX9DPANOyRRKT3ZsnB4MW44WME1uG16PoYAZCEadDTve5Q/s400/download+%25282%2529.jpg" width="299" /></a></div><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>this morning, i didn't brush my hair. i just piled it all up into a messy bun at the top of my head. well, i finally got around to brushing it out some time after supper, and imagine my surprise when a whole family of disgruntled rats jumped out! well, no. that really didn't happen. but it could have. i'm surprised a new species of something wasn't discovered in there. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>any more funny? well, this morning i went out to check the mail since i hadn't gone yesterday. and since it is only at the end of the driveway, i just threw on my ancient, fuzzy red robe and my broke ass, rez-looking sneakers and went. apparently BF watched the whole spectacle from the window, and by the time i had turned around to go back to the house, he was there, with both boys, all of them laughing hysterically at my outfit. fuckers. when i think back now though, that must have been pretty fucking funny. i also wonder what my poor older neighbour thinks of me after that display? am i now the crazy cat/dog/bird/kid lady of the street, known to run amok from time to time in a fuzzy red robe and canary yellow shorts IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING JANUARY?! oh well. haters gonna hate.</b></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdxX9kbs759Pc4mj4KzHBfE-Vk_l3DyWGaAJF6VRBFLzFOQiiUBzeeyRUxgbaeGr7xbeSHy6fFYMJEbOdmBz1SJiQoACPFO1dkr6kCWSJzMJLd1qRnmie4MJFIGYga8mdsKOlf0X4F3vU/s1600/images+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdxX9kbs759Pc4mj4KzHBfE-Vk_l3DyWGaAJF6VRBFLzFOQiiUBzeeyRUxgbaeGr7xbeSHy6fFYMJEbOdmBz1SJiQoACPFO1dkr6kCWSJzMJLd1qRnmie4MJFIGYga8mdsKOlf0X4F3vU/s1600/images+%25281%2529.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>another thing that gave me a little smirk and a giggle or two {or seven}, was a particular thought provoking mini-convo i had with BF that somehow turned to the subject of me possibly being mildly bipolar {if there even is such a thing. i haven't googled it though, because i don't want to know ANYTHING until i hear it from the doctor}. BF said to me, "i don't think you're bipolar. you're just smart. smart people are fucking psycho. it's ok, i still love you. but i am glad that you're not a genius!" ummm ok. thanks? i think? despite BF's diagnosis {?} of "fucking psycho" and his rather hasty assumption that i am not, in fact, a genius, this little exchange made me laugh. i love him for being able to bring some laughs and smiles into this blackness. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>that's about all i got, folks. i do feel a little more human and a little less zombie-like today though, so i suppose that's better than nothing right? and if i never haul my ass out of this funk, at least i can take comfort in the fact that my fashion choices will be providing someone out there with a bit of entertainment, and perhaps even provide them with their daily recommended dosage of "WHAT IN THE SWEET FLYING FUCK?!" </b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-55097970383458179252012-01-21T12:52:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.038-08:00SEXY SATURDAY #3<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>ummmm... this week? let's just fucking forget about this week, mmmkay?</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>here's some sexy ;)</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/LipZTMpkuX8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSZPyReEuqHQvtyuFFrAHFo1ZqkaXjWzOjjdMiEC2TNrYIUR5fcOrUzsMp-pZGUSGOlNqXweU7vbH7Z4ttZxe47d-bGhRl3ECXWTMxJbLnO9_FzaVYVhipV7MbKDEg_nf-6f2QDgFkuH0/s1600/download+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSZPyReEuqHQvtyuFFrAHFo1ZqkaXjWzOjjdMiEC2TNrYIUR5fcOrUzsMp-pZGUSGOlNqXweU7vbH7Z4ttZxe47d-bGhRl3ECXWTMxJbLnO9_FzaVYVhipV7MbKDEg_nf-6f2QDgFkuH0/s1600/download+%25282%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">is it getting warm in here?</td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzLgoLd2zpdjVSxJvzFCV3SOu9sF-5EOrGBQADWoLhs9C0rHiXGEDjI1Is61g8PPDvT0DYzeVdE0TL1sNR0ctTtaHXNIYmqV_4IUm2yVCi_OQ7QR1hWPRiNNL5ivVkV_922DabFAYOH0/s1600/download+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzLgoLd2zpdjVSxJvzFCV3SOu9sF-5EOrGBQADWoLhs9C0rHiXGEDjI1Is61g8PPDvT0DYzeVdE0TL1sNR0ctTtaHXNIYmqV_4IUm2yVCi_OQ7QR1hWPRiNNL5ivVkV_922DabFAYOH0/s1600/download+%25283%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NOM</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizxbfVQ03mW5rsE73GrasnkWYVqX-0VQI_N8CwUJt_lFf2L2wgp15mon4_QhCqJJ-BjIe71Z-CFDtSdjudXkXAG85VTxsF0x2zhhXQeCP2KW1aOTzgSd_9xt8Y14fkj8qaPwKUSfzD3BU/s1600/download+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizxbfVQ03mW5rsE73GrasnkWYVqX-0VQI_N8CwUJt_lFf2L2wgp15mon4_QhCqJJ-BjIe71Z-CFDtSdjudXkXAG85VTxsF0x2zhhXQeCP2KW1aOTzgSd_9xt8Y14fkj8qaPwKUSfzD3BU/s1600/download+%25284%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">*drools*<br />shut up, conan's my man <3</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8nKGubV9VCkmGhnEiGUt54-U5aiPBkcFXtcdobq7vEm4IfU6XbEy-dVUjLGnPnUKMxBb_7o0g5bsFeJ5qw55BVRjERkVOEguE9dQZOa-TOxvMjm6XS3zOPOmQ4ON0RqclFv_xyFUR_cE/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8nKGubV9VCkmGhnEiGUt54-U5aiPBkcFXtcdobq7vEm4IfU6XbEy-dVUjLGnPnUKMxBb_7o0g5bsFeJ5qw55BVRjERkVOEguE9dQZOa-TOxvMjm6XS3zOPOmQ4ON0RqclFv_xyFUR_cE/s1600/download.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">whooops!! </td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTw66MoNusHZ9-531Gau9oAapMAAQRnrGeq2fEejjdwaMfyPEr4xnEdhD7_mQMBJB_GRsaEozrbcLOOH2yCLPX5P74aKdTtxpeRxHw-I8bnIQmVg-QvPfsnAimn74BG9tsBMgBnVdjM0I/s1600/download+%25285%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTw66MoNusHZ9-531Gau9oAapMAAQRnrGeq2fEejjdwaMfyPEr4xnEdhD7_mQMBJB_GRsaEozrbcLOOH2yCLPX5P74aKdTtxpeRxHw-I8bnIQmVg-QvPfsnAimn74BG9tsBMgBnVdjM0I/s1600/download+%25285%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">HOT.. now if that skinny bitch would just<br />fuck off and get out of the way..</td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIsUIMt5nPuDzEQTiN5VUFaH1SlpzeFm7UEve-TMas-36kGLwyZgOJZRbsB4TIzjRjZTM85r7mH0tzATuMe68kr5AFJV5uofqB_RvD33zYRlqrWcHt4N6LX7LczTEuYLyxaiFPCVpDPIE/s1600/images+%25287%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIsUIMt5nPuDzEQTiN5VUFaH1SlpzeFm7UEve-TMas-36kGLwyZgOJZRbsB4TIzjRjZTM85r7mH0tzATuMe68kr5AFJV5uofqB_RvD33zYRlqrWcHt4N6LX7LczTEuYLyxaiFPCVpDPIE/s1600/images+%25287%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">umm..</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEEm1xpZd-kYN2vn5oNMuAATYlcQ3swu0zz7Hlm0TV-Ea52gczdMNMuJ2ACPwrnn7nvsZ93qELdNgm7DNgeKO2TfMm1jMnrpfdzKpwD51c-ReNU5iVePam0fRJlpOjX9ngtpS0Wh7EIIc/s1600/images+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEEm1xpZd-kYN2vn5oNMuAATYlcQ3swu0zz7Hlm0TV-Ea52gczdMNMuJ2ACPwrnn7nvsZ93qELdNgm7DNgeKO2TfMm1jMnrpfdzKpwD51c-ReNU5iVePam0fRJlpOjX9ngtpS0Wh7EIIc/s1600/images+%25283%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">OMFG</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidl7l-RAhKqS0HTzMmJfkkeFwPOY703RnqIvD3gJRwZFbUKpLNRU9l1N6ijnEc3w8YvQKcy_0buKYDj0FVdZP2qzEKC2jK0-1gvzndbbKk1ZcuJgw-yb8tDfuts7Sqf6kBTX5hm9_z7YA/s1600/images+%25285%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidl7l-RAhKqS0HTzMmJfkkeFwPOY703RnqIvD3gJRwZFbUKpLNRU9l1N6ijnEc3w8YvQKcy_0buKYDj0FVdZP2qzEKC2jK0-1gvzndbbKk1ZcuJgw-yb8tDfuts7Sqf6kBTX5hm9_z7YA/s1600/images+%25285%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">please, ladies.. keep your panties on. </td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfipxzWdv7f6JbCmx2cU3FiSoKtVMj4nYVO6eC_uae5DhzgLjcXGt0H2kg6LL8IZx51AMkpMrFktOOABcbvvd4yfhbgVjkzT-VrbmMpmT-uN0f1vbAn-GYCttONtzTxTaoRntxB4NtDiI/s1600/images+%25288%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfipxzWdv7f6JbCmx2cU3FiSoKtVMj4nYVO6eC_uae5DhzgLjcXGt0H2kg6LL8IZx51AMkpMrFktOOABcbvvd4yfhbgVjkzT-VrbmMpmT-uN0f1vbAn-GYCttONtzTxTaoRntxB4NtDiI/s1600/images+%25288%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><3</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDJHAczRwhFLXFlXNWyhUmWD1x9rY03ZxlcK43cDyUR-plHNuYLppoq_y-zwg754KsuLIuy6uEOEnRe1MuPi3sKmG4TdsXUSslQAlXUDH8NqgxJd3kin8qb0mLmAxf__WQXaT9YmF2eU8/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDJHAczRwhFLXFlXNWyhUmWD1x9rY03ZxlcK43cDyUR-plHNuYLppoq_y-zwg754KsuLIuy6uEOEnRe1MuPi3sKmG4TdsXUSslQAlXUDH8NqgxJd3kin8qb0mLmAxf__WQXaT9YmF2eU8/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">mmm... ink..</td></tr></tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6m-LQsjMorjPe61LGQro4323udqceBGMSCJPppkKOIvJXUkLg-7alMe8qX-hRyQea_n_75Dt8lSce66ohBdp7a0WnM9Lhipr5wJeBLnNTBWW498tQBRvKj-1Jmsjx5_tFlJA6RJQ01Nw/s1600/images+%25284%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6m-LQsjMorjPe61LGQro4323udqceBGMSCJPppkKOIvJXUkLg-7alMe8qX-hRyQea_n_75Dt8lSce66ohBdp7a0WnM9Lhipr5wJeBLnNTBWW498tQBRvKj-1Jmsjx5_tFlJA6RJQ01Nw/s1600/images+%25284%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">conan can rock the jeggings </td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMVcEp9caIiSgVQZ0AkCcIvlRLnXCN4K2i2oi-zMv6_WZesp-3UVAS5UBPinDD1x_zcS3Fpc5jGnvquEUuTdSqkNIGWCBFRERHjIkDMIFtJ5kmddZ8jyScZNNXPfunmMEXvYQzvUFVrKY/s1600/images+%25289%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMVcEp9caIiSgVQZ0AkCcIvlRLnXCN4K2i2oi-zMv6_WZesp-3UVAS5UBPinDD1x_zcS3Fpc5jGnvquEUuTdSqkNIGWCBFRERHjIkDMIFtJ5kmddZ8jyScZNNXPfunmMEXvYQzvUFVrKY/s1600/images+%25289%2529.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">yumm <3</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-66445574240154237652012-01-21T08:16:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.049-08:00new blog link<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">so i made a new blog, for the more serious side of me. i'll still post here when i'm feeling funny, though. </span></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">if you'd like to check it out, click <a href="http://kitchenbitchin2012.blogspot.com/">here</a>.</span></b></div>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-73860194363442959402012-01-15T14:07:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.058-08:00pet peeves<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTLXZOCKHPfMJcqE3s7rzP-BA98stV-lxfjC7Tzbr0xWm21F9P9RpDRMSjVnwi6PoQ9xoDC7zryoFWPo39wX4Nvv4PbypiVcjlFNODSQRgEGu6KgoO435V5E-DTSxbioVcf7JWlXTz_Go/s1600/cat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTLXZOCKHPfMJcqE3s7rzP-BA98stV-lxfjC7Tzbr0xWm21F9P9RpDRMSjVnwi6PoQ9xoDC7zryoFWPo39wX4Nvv4PbypiVcjlFNODSQRgEGu6KgoO435V5E-DTSxbioVcf7JWlXTz_Go/s320/cat.jpg" width="290" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>we all fucking have them. i don't care if you are a fucking SAINT, there is at least ONE THING that has the power to drive you completely APESHIT and leave you desperately clinging to your self-control so as not to rip off some asshat's extremities and beat them with the bloody stumps. don't try to tell me there isn't either. you may not have found it yet, but it's there.. waiting, biding its time.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>while i consider myself to be a pretty calm, patient, and fucking mellow individual {fuck off right now. IT'S TRUE!!}, i do have a few pet peeves. quite a few. why the people in my life persist in these asinine activities when they MUST be able to see the smoke and volcanic ash billowing from my fucking ears, i will never know. i just can't explain it. below, you will find my list of pet peeves that you can reference, should you ever have the desire to have me beat you with your own fucking dismembered limbs.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>1. leaving empty containers/boxes in the cupboard and/or fridge, when the garbage is LESS THAN 10 FEET AWAY and the fucking kitchen sink is WITHIN ARMS REACH. this also applies to leaving those goddamned toilet paper rolls all over the fucking bathroom. is the fucking GREAT FLOOD upon us? will we need all those cardboard tubes to construct an ark and save civilization?! no? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>2. overflowing garbage that NO ONE seems to notice but me. oh SURE, just keep throwing shit on top of that god awful, stinking pile. maybe it will magically disappear! even better, when you throw some trash in there and miss, leave that shit on the floor. yeah, because even though i spend most of the day taking care of you fuckers, wiping your asses, and cleaning up all of the nastiness you leave behind, my life will not be complete without scooping up and re-bagging handfuls of coffee grounds, soggy diapers, and tuna cans.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>3. glasses and mugs lined up BESIDE the kitchen sink, with crusty, dried on protein shakes and/or oatmeal. even WORSE, when i find that this atrocity has been committed on MY coffee mug. listen, even if you have essentially NO experience with washing any dish of any kind, you must be able to recognize that that shit is fucking hard to get off when it dries. and unless you want a permanent ceramic, glass, or plastic addition to your colon, i'd suggest you take a few seconds to RINSE THAT SHIT OUT.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVr9PjsQ_U44mnSltcVuDaPC5CpGKhTVjaJnBFp5-_D8Zw948EhVABqAScyKttQxGna8ygfqM7tuji7Kzof4z9hk8Nz15z1JcMOhPaIIlkBbA0TeW8os_OeKClbr75FRT7ErqT74qZVY/s1600/HGJYGJUY.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIVr9PjsQ_U44mnSltcVuDaPC5CpGKhTVjaJnBFp5-_D8Zw948EhVABqAScyKttQxGna8ygfqM7tuji7Kzof4z9hk8Nz15z1JcMOhPaIIlkBbA0TeW8os_OeKClbr75FRT7ErqT74qZVY/s320/HGJYGJUY.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>4. the toothpaste and water splattered mirror and counter-tops in the bathroom. i know what happens when i brush my teeth. they get brushed, i move on. yet somehow, i am convinced that something involving water cannons and acrobatics is happening when the kids or BF brush theirs, or do anything else in the bathroom, for that matter. how else can the splatters of toothpaste, water, and GOD KNOWS what else that i find from one end of the bathroom to the other be explained?! for some reason, i get a mental image of a bunch of rabid monkeys, foaming at the mouth and crawling the fucking CEILING, while simultaneously brushing their teeth and pissing everywhere BUT the toilet. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>5. sick days. why, you ask? because unless i am dying of the fucking bubonic plague, smallpox, AND leprosy, i dare not have one. if i do, the dishes will rot in the sink, the kids will be fed out of pots and allowed to go all googly-eyed on brain-sucking computer and wii games. as if this wasn't enough, the fact that he had to "do everything" for the day will go right the fuck to BF's already bloated head. and in the next week or so after the sick day, if i complain about ANYTHING, he will go on and on and ON about that day he did "everything" and never once complained. yes i could imagine, it must be fucking exceedingly DIFFICULT to fuck around on the computer all day, throwing random foods at the video game zombies that were once cute little children, and making a fucking game out of piling dishes and pots and any fucking thing imaginable into to the kitchen sink. rough fucking deal. excuse me while i go shed a tear over your valiant efforts. step away please. my tears are now toxic and radioactive from all of the fucking crud i've had to pull from the kitchen drain over the years. yes, i know i have it too easy. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>6. putting shit where it DOES NOT belong. this often occurs with BF's crazy, disorganized cleaning sprees, which honestly consist of moving things around and wiping down random surfaces. the kids are guilty of this particular transgression as well, but i can let them slide. they have to put up with me for the rest of my life, so i can go easy on them now. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>anywho... the putting of shit where it does belong might not sound like that big of a deal. but i am telling, nothing gets the blood boiling like looking in the cupboard for a snack, only to find a stack of mail. or reaching for a mug to find that BF's hoard of supplements and protein powders has migrated from its appointed spot and taken over the territory of the coffee mugs. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>7. waking up in the morning to a kitchen counter littered with granola bar wrappers, dirty dishes, crusty protein cups {see #3}, and piles of spilled protein powder and/or oatmeal. what in the sweet flying FUCK? i realize that he is in a hurry, mixing his concoctions and bagging some protein powder and whatever the fuck else to take along to the gym, but does he seriously have to go about it in the same fucking way as he goes about his bathroom business?{see #4} does every fucking action have to be carried out in the manner of a rabid monkey?!</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>and there you have it. while this may not be a complete list {i fear for my fucking sanity if i take on EVERYTHING that pisses me off in one post}, it is a pretty comprehensive break down of WHAT NOT TO FUCKING DO to your wife, husband, significant other. alternatively, it also serves as a guide on how to drive some poor soul to the very brink of ripping you limb from limb. what ever the fuck floats your boat, man.</b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-44070885582454423612012-01-14T18:18:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.068-08:00SEXY SATURDAY #2<div style="text-align: right;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTWV142bRqa7DH4ahLsmsFZhZfBgAjA118N9OBTZ1K7fVo5YIGxfy69IESzYQ6UdSPFoWZzWmRnHKad3POGcCgJcUfkGGu5XgMutODXOd2NZ31DJrhxWL-ZjOvwn1WvwBqrAn1wb04WxY/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTWV142bRqa7DH4ahLsmsFZhZfBgAjA118N9OBTZ1K7fVo5YIGxfy69IESzYQ6UdSPFoWZzWmRnHKad3POGcCgJcUfkGGu5XgMutODXOd2NZ31DJrhxWL-ZjOvwn1WvwBqrAn1wb04WxY/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>happy sexy saturday folks!! this week has been pretty fucking special!! but i don't fucking remember what good things fell on what fucking day this time, so this is what you will get: a list of all the good shit. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjto3dPxXn0n9LqP1NKwk4L25EhUBcrobhDnCpPLtNqKJRYTgUk-IfD93tfLcCubwptPeoygMEkA298I6RvVB4O27RhtqVIbFEoRyXWHA9cKDkwjqnfhh-9-mGTJXzpr6KKqGmbe0LEjI/s1600/392215_3093093728996_1313622181_33350060_1573830667_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjto3dPxXn0n9LqP1NKwk4L25EhUBcrobhDnCpPLtNqKJRYTgUk-IfD93tfLcCubwptPeoygMEkA298I6RvVB4O27RhtqVIbFEoRyXWHA9cKDkwjqnfhh-9-mGTJXzpr6KKqGmbe0LEjI/s200/392215_3093093728996_1313622181_33350060_1573830667_n.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>1. i have a new puppy, and she is smart as fuck. even though i have to wake up several times in the night to take her out to pee, the fact that she has only had 2 accidents on my floor in the 3 days that i've had her makes up for all that. i've had my chihuahua for A YEAR, and he is still resisting me when it comes to going outside to piss. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>2. i started a little project which may or may not evolve into a book! a REAL, LIVE BOOK... with chapters and shit!! now, i'm not sure where this will take me, or even how long i will be able to keep interest, but i have to at least try. many thanks to my beautiful, sweet sister for her encouraging words!</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>3. #3 is doing awesome with her potty training, building her experience as a piss ninja of epic proportions. some day soon, i will buy my last package of pull ups and be done with it. i think i will throw a fucking party.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>4. the boys are back to school, and we were able to fall back into our old routine without much difficulty.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNHwknW-BU6Qp68O1ffCX6uVXDrheG41n5-mjbx-c8YjUiL4MPws_gmMKkmMg9QC5wBh2e_dVvNbWCkzjmoF7WkbmtmUwMNh06lzSFTPtglhwfcZWVOoAOjpEyniJHJiwhWCHBONb113I/s1600/378841_3016832502939_1326393603_3099144_1889640604_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNHwknW-BU6Qp68O1ffCX6uVXDrheG41n5-mjbx-c8YjUiL4MPws_gmMKkmMg9QC5wBh2e_dVvNbWCkzjmoF7WkbmtmUwMNh06lzSFTPtglhwfcZWVOoAOjpEyniJHJiwhWCHBONb113I/s200/378841_3016832502939_1326393603_3099144_1889640604_n.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>5. after some ass-kissing of EPIC proportions, i changed my fb relationship status back to engaged. after our fight, i hadn't changed it to single, but i did change from engaged to blank. while it may have been an impulsive, spur of the moment reaction on my part, i did have my reasons for keeping it that way for a couple of weeks. and while no dates have been set nor any plans made, what i DO have is a beautiful ring.. but even more than that, an actual sincere apology. hmmm.. seems they DO learn eventually. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>6. one of my inspirations for my fb page and blog, the wonderful <a href="http://holdinholden.blogspot.com/">Holdin' Holden</a>, has decided to use one of MY posts as a guest blog!!! this chick is FUCKING AMAZEBALLS, and this is a HUGE honour!! i do encourage you to check out both her <a href="https://www.facebook.com/holdinholden">fb page</a> and her <a href="http://holdinholden.blogspot.com/">blog</a>, because her shit is THE SHIT!! </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>that's it for this week, folks. i'd love to write some more, but i have important shit to do. like eat ribs, watch the game, and sip some cold beer. have a wonderful week everyone!! </i></b>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-19047318267237527992012-01-13T12:57:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.077-08:00best thing i've seen all dayclick <a href="http://katerivonstealsnewlife.blogspot.com/2012/01/real-woman-real-bodies-repost-if-you.html">here</a> to see what i mean. this is an important issue, and as someone who struggled with anorexia in my teen years, i don't want to see any more young girls think that they have to be stick thin to be beautiful.rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-49958854899755282042012-01-12T11:32:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.086-08:00new addition to the funny farm<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrjHWsRLn9u_zCBfhs4qzniusbP_lrJXkiMSZMP0HcRwXgzx2QeNhvKzY9k4LzX5IjcZMfRqZyFE1rsiibUbqFSpBWg7SoC2jk328qFezF1eGe5ibnWMCJq6isKVJyRSv5i0ryHUjPFw0/s1600/012.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrjHWsRLn9u_zCBfhs4qzniusbP_lrJXkiMSZMP0HcRwXgzx2QeNhvKzY9k4LzX5IjcZMfRqZyFE1rsiibUbqFSpBWg7SoC2jk328qFezF1eGe5ibnWMCJq6isKVJyRSv5i0ryHUjPFw0/s200/012.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"kitty"</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>it all started with my darling cousin's seemingly harmless status update stating that she had 3 chow mix puppies to give away. i didn't expect to be getting a puppy, but i was curious as to what they would look like and... ok, well the seed had been planted. now BF really does not like the animals that we now have, with the exception of kitty, our oldest cat. there has been many an occasion when he's stormed out of the house bitching about the animals that are "completely useless". </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipb6110JTffLmNGkVvdNp8ZGdx21fvVMEGvHLQuIKOE3kJtjc8j01D5D4fjKDyDhUiwq10buE6FPXF0jlP9vd0oSJVnC2l9zlIRpaYJBTW9cfm-jhyphenhyphenA-mBWJWm-pk5mxr4dZ6KSWtHq44/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipb6110JTffLmNGkVvdNp8ZGdx21fvVMEGvHLQuIKOE3kJtjc8j01D5D4fjKDyDhUiwq10buE6FPXF0jlP9vd0oSJVnC2l9zlIRpaYJBTW9cfm-jhyphenhyphenA-mBWJWm-pk5mxr4dZ6KSWtHq44/s200/013.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"winnie"</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>anywho, i simply commented on the aforementioned status: "pics?", promptly forgot all about it, and was greeted the next morning with 3 ADORABLE pics she had tagged me in. i was in LOVE. and while i do realize that i already have a lot on my plate between the 3 kids, 2 cats, a parrot, and one very temperamental chihuahua, BF and i had previously agreed that a bigger dog was definitely in our future. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoTRvwMeebj9CQg7bRvvE9whw_EUeFrkugnqNxWASotvVOJ8DMaHiWL3Zqo6O4UETisS-yt2obpF7dsyy7Ji_Up6UqrZwnhOSfnOne-bLfDYbwvkjmkrPXJYkSLFn2VDsqDYnW7rBhy6M/s1600/100.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoTRvwMeebj9CQg7bRvvE9whw_EUeFrkugnqNxWASotvVOJ8DMaHiWL3Zqo6O4UETisS-yt2obpF7dsyy7Ji_Up6UqrZwnhOSfnOne-bLfDYbwvkjmkrPXJYkSLFn2VDsqDYnW7rBhy6M/s200/100.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"spike"</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>so i went ahead and made the decision without his input. NOT COOL, i know.. but how could i resist that face? and also the research i did that stated how chows are very protective of their people and homes. that is EXACTLY what i need in this neighbourhood. no, i am not saying that i want my dog to be vicious and wild and bite people's asses off.. but it would be nice to know that any potential thief or peeping tom {we have a lot of both} will think twice about messing with my house when there's a big, bear-looking dog sitting in the window. BF and i had discussed getting a pitbull from his friends for this very purpose.. but to be realistic, we can't afford a purebred dog right now, and it seems unfair to all the mixed breeds out there who would be just as protective of the house, just as loyal, and just as wonderful as a member of the family. plus, i gave him the deadliest blow job of his LIFE the night before i got the puppy, so i could have set the house on fire and still be in his good graces. hehehe.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>another underhanded aspect of my puppy acquisition was the way i got the kids onboard with my scheme before BF was even aware of the dog's existence. yes, i know. shady as fuck. but look at the pic!! try saying no to that wittle face! </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFBHzolYuOOACK0nXQw4KBzt3zfUqqBEht6vm9U0q3WvwFxipoJ5MKPG9J3WZbchSKhqMHu13F3FycN3JzaQTDmlWgY05wufuSHD2M9BF1WUo4fuiNnOajAljOoA8dWC5xcpThxEWqVhw/s1600/eden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFBHzolYuOOACK0nXQw4KBzt3zfUqqBEht6vm9U0q3WvwFxipoJ5MKPG9J3WZbchSKhqMHu13F3FycN3JzaQTDmlWgY05wufuSHD2M9BF1WUo4fuiNnOajAljOoA8dWC5xcpThxEWqVhw/s200/eden.jpg" width="183" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"sonny" & #1</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>in the end, BF wasn't mad. he laughed and teased me a bit, because he knows as well as i do that i am the one that is home most of the time, so i am usually the one who takes care of the pets. and even though the big, tough, bad-ass of a man wouldn't dare admit it, he was as bowled over by the near skull-imploding cuteness of the puppy as i was. while the kids and i squealed with glee and hugged the poor thing damn near furless, he said, "i like how it looks like a bear." in BF-talk, that is the equivalent of "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>it hasn't all been smooth sailing since, though. the regular puppy business i did expect: the waking up multiple times in the night to take her out for a pee/poop, as well as the customary crying at night. but i was able to soothe her to sleep by just sitting calmly by her kennel for a few minutes. what i didn't expect was spike's utter HATRED of this little intruder. he's attacked her once, because even though he is a tiny little thing, he is one bad ass motherfucker at heart. i will continue researching ways of getting spike to come to terms with our new furbaby as soon as possible. i'm also hoping that the puppy's calm demeanour will rub off on him. </b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYN3Ip8eyMlJbxk2tG_C2wPZkFI8gCWFscwgfjsrDEj95eXn8PMnoBxIZnwwsJn0gCaWnq5x9KQ23RNe8WjNGOWUSwzBWRLif8GZn6Nj3H3zZ4v8R6CdAycgDWAnOGJCePKkxDw5tVGhs/s1600/392215_3093093728996_1313622181_33350060_1573830667_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYN3Ip8eyMlJbxk2tG_C2wPZkFI8gCWFscwgfjsrDEj95eXn8PMnoBxIZnwwsJn0gCaWnq5x9KQ23RNe8WjNGOWUSwzBWRLif8GZn6Nj3H3zZ4v8R6CdAycgDWAnOGJCePKkxDw5tVGhs/s200/392215_3093093728996_1313622181_33350060_1573830667_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"watson" the newbie</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>another little glitch that i hadn't expected was kitty to act out as a result of the new puppy. i should have anticipated some kind of retaliation, though, now that i think about it. he is a cat, and they are spiteful bastards. and of course, we had been through this last year when spike joined our little family. this morning, i was greeted by a huge pile of cat turd by the front door, compliments of kitty. but, i know that these things will pass in time. kitty and spike will somehow learn to forgive me, and we will be back to our old routine. and if anyone ever, EVER posts anything about puppies or kitties needing a home, i will look away {possibly at the litter box, or at a chewed pair of shoes}, give my head a shake, and resist the urge! XD </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-78980907382617391022012-01-07T13:42:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.096-08:00suck my dick saturday<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>yeah, yeah.. i fucking know. i was all about the sexy saturday, and trying to find some good in every day, or at least every week. i posted that shit too early, man, because as of RIGHT NOW, saturday can suck my big, sweaty, imaginary dick. and saturday better fucking swallow instead of gagging like a little bitch. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>i'll warn you now, this post will NOT be filled with rainbows, gumdrops, OR fucking candy-shitting unicorns. this is just me on a sleep-deprived, caffeine-fuelled bitch-a-thon. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-WuXxfF3erAUiRAblEUJCdMWxLaD3drnBkMD9VkzjsKHhAoZL_E8LYCxnEj5HcG13niy2xuW7dAHmPE9YcpLT098fWLg2xCFubBpHCt7eWZka3oWCd58cMRi8FMSIdTyVHGh7rYEgNOs/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-WuXxfF3erAUiRAblEUJCdMWxLaD3drnBkMD9VkzjsKHhAoZL_E8LYCxnEj5HcG13niy2xuW7dAHmPE9YcpLT098fWLg2xCFubBpHCt7eWZka3oWCd58cMRi8FMSIdTyVHGh7rYEgNOs/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>rather than feeling the sexy saturday vibes, i feel and look more like that bitch to the right. to be honest, even that bitch is having a better hair day than i am. this is all the result of #3's completely FUCKED sleep schedule. she's barely napping anymore, and when she does, she stays up til at least 2am. and when she doesn't, she wakes up too early. WTF?! </i></b><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>anywho, the little <strike>fucker</strike> darling woke up at 4:30am this morning, and refused to go back to sleep or even relax with a movie. she was all, "oh let's play with toys and fuck shit up even though you look like shit mom!!" after a couple attempts at getting her to simmer the hell down, i gave up. no way did i have the energy for her <a href="http://rantingravingkitchen.blogspot.com/2012/01/unholy-ritual.html">go to sleep ritual</a>!! by then it was 6:30am so i decided to put the coffee on. after doing a quick run-through the upstairs to make sure it was <strike>devil</strike> child-proof, i snuck out onto the back porch for a cigarette, in hopes that the combination of nicotine and cold winter air would wake me up a little. by the time i came in, the coffee was done brewing. I CAN DO THIS, i thought. while pouring my coffee, i happened to glance into the living room to see the little fart factory sprawled on the couch, ASLEEP. FFFUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!! now what?! i want to go to sleep, but there's a fresh pot on!! i had a cup or two, only to fall asleep slumped over on the couch. and as if the stiff neck wasn't enough of an all-consuming JOY to wake up to about an hour later, i took a sippy cup to the face from #3 herself. THEN, when i finally stumbled my way into the kitchen, i discovered that some ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WONDERFUL SOUL had decided to drink the rest of the coffee. GOOD TIMES!!</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhft7A17YqXFS9bYkP_c1HAaI01E1Ca3hsv9TSCubAHZ7d5L_Nynw9pgziJVVBNZV21wf5JQ6U29eYlrP_KZABiMPPfvncg6RAntE400Z_YRfOoZnL-bWdAaVYH_Tc6w3LNBex58LiQ_XQ/s1600/images+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhft7A17YqXFS9bYkP_c1HAaI01E1Ca3hsv9TSCubAHZ7d5L_Nynw9pgziJVVBNZV21wf5JQ6U29eYlrP_KZABiMPPfvncg6RAntE400Z_YRfOoZnL-bWdAaVYH_Tc6w3LNBex58LiQ_XQ/s1600/images+%25281%2529.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>the rest of the morning passed without incident, other than the occasional moan, fart, or cough from the bedroom, where BF was quarantined with a terrible case of the man-cold. i might add at this point that i had slept poorly all night even before #3 got up, because of his snoring and groaning in discomfort every fucking hour. another point for pondering: this is the SAME FUCKING COLD that i have had for the past couple of days, and this fucking sentence is the first time i've mentioned it, online or otherwise. fucking men. i've said it before, and this will probably not be the last time i express this same sentiment: THEY SHOULD ALL BE KEPT ON A FARM SOMEWHERE AND RELEASED ONLY FOR RECREATIONAL AND REPRODUCTIVE PURPOSES!! .. except for the gay men, they can stay and chill with us.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>the usually scheduled time for #3's nap came and went, without so much as a yawn. i did try once to get her to at least rest for a bit, but it just wasn't happening. i should have tried harder, because by 4pm, she was a miserable, shrieking wreck. and another thing that always occurs around this time every day is the INSANE increase in the boys' energy levels. and of course, all of their winter gear is in the wash to get ready for school on monday, so i can't just boot them out. i spent the next hour pleading with them {#2 in particular} to stop screaming and jumping and fighting so that i could get #3 to snooze for at least an hour. my pleas fell on deaf ears, so both boys earned an extended time-out to be spent cleaning their rooms. #3 finally fell asleep. she's actually laying on the couch beside me, and still wearing the evil little scowl she fell asleep with. </i></b></span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>while i'm happy that she's asleep, i know it won't last much longer, since the boys are forgetting their inside voices already. but that's ok, because i am in no shape to stay up into the wee hours entertaining this little bugger, as <strike>frightening</strike> cute as she may be.</i></b><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>and that, my darlings, i why saturday {THIS ONE anyway} can suck my dick. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-81349914343062302792012-01-07T02:37:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.105-08:00SEXY SATURDAY **World Premiere**<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>so, i've been inspired by a few of the blogs i follow in that some have a day each week where they list things they love or are greatful for. seems like a good way to help me to see the good in every week. but which day? and what title? <a href="http://www.wantadumpsterbaby.com/">Things I Love Thursdays</a> and <a href="http://craughing.blogspot.com/?zx=a6896e628c41d3b0">Faceless/Fuck off Fridays</a> are taken.. no fucking way i'd attempt to shove positive bullshit down your throats on a monday, tuesdays are usually busy for me, and wednesday.. well wednesday just doesn't sound fun. so here we are on saturday. saturday is fucking awesome {unless you got drunk last night lol}, everyone is home in their jammies, and bras/pants are optional. fuck, as i'm pounding away here on my keyboard, i'm rocking a tank and short shorts. comfy as fuck, AND showing a bit of skin for BF's benefit. so here we go with my first installment of Sexy Saturday {HEY look i even capitalized the first letters!! so you know it's important!}.. and why sexy? well because when i feel good, i feel sexy.. and it has a ring to it.. and if the sexy saturday post has nothing sexy in it, it will be accompanied by a sexy pic, courtesy of the internets. or whatever.. i never told you that my posts would always make sense, did i? fuck off and read it, mmmkay?</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Sexy Saturday #1</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkuV70PEsVCAAGV0m-VTKHmF5agol5DINK2TRA8vuLQkbsakAf9wZm4MqiwyyowU_zZ5JzqADgE8UqVzHH0q6BYAxGO1yHQUoYENmJxagps-Mu1HV97vfASqmGxthAiaZcfQH3ySZUP1c/s1600/clay+sky+pose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkuV70PEsVCAAGV0m-VTKHmF5agol5DINK2TRA8vuLQkbsakAf9wZm4MqiwyyowU_zZ5JzqADgE8UqVzHH0q6BYAxGO1yHQUoYENmJxagps-Mu1HV97vfASqmGxthAiaZcfQH3ySZUP1c/s320/clay+sky+pose.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">excuse me while i go hose myself down...<br />*drools*</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>look at that savage, sexy beast!! NOM NOM NOM!! now that just makes my day instantly better, and i hope you enjoy it too.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>now, this being my first sexy saturday, i'm afraid i might struggle with finding much good in this week. maybe i'll get better at it as i do more. i hope so. well, i guess if you're readng this, then i must have.. because if i can't think of much, this sexy native and whatever assortment of typed words on this page will be forever exiled to the draft folder.. i pray for strength not to fail you, oh sexy brown man.. whew.. ok, here goes nothin..</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>SUNDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>first day of the new year. whoop de fucking doo.. oh yeah, i said this was going to be GOOD things about my week right? ok, then we'll just not mention the <a href="http://rantingravingkitchen.blogspot.com/2012/01/its-not-supposed-to-be-like-this.html?zx=d81b03ec306ebe28">horrible fight</a> i had with BF. hmm.. good things, good things... oh, i have one! this is the first time i didn't start the first day of the year with a nasty hangover! {not counting the times i was pregnant, since staying home was involuntary} yay for me!!</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>MONDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>i was still reeling from the fight, but BF did suck it up and apologize today. AND admitted he was wrong to do what he did. there might be hope for this one, as he NEVER does any of those things if he can help it. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>TUESDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>omg GROCERIES!! had an awesome laugh and talk with a dear friend while she drove me to grab my food. we talked and laughed and screamed and bitched. it was an EPIC good time. i love her!!</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>WEDNESDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>#3 became a "piss ninja" today, by not only indicating that she had to pee, but also by holding it in until we took her to the potty. yay for her!! and yay for me, for being just that much closer to the end of an 8 1/2 year stretch of buying diapers every week!! in honour of this momentous event, i declared a day-long celebration of piss which i dubbed ever-so-creatively as "piss day" on my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ranting-Raving-All-the-Way-to-the-Kitchen/148165985281347?sk=wall&filter=2">fb page</a>. fun was had by all, as i scoured the internets for anything hilarious and piss-related. bear grylls would have wept with joy.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>THURSDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>got off of my ass and went through the entire house on a germ genocide mission. i even stayed away from the computer for almost an entire afternoon!! i was fucking EXHAUSTED after all of that though. BF ran me a hot bath and let me be for awhile so that i could read and do girly stuff.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>FRIDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>good times on the page today. turned a potentially shitty situation into something funny as hell, with the help of my followers of course!! it never ceases to amaze me how strangers connected only by the internet can be so understanding and kind... AND FUNNY!! omfg these people are just as crazy as me!! </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>SATURDAY</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>god knows what this day will bring, seeing as how it's still pretty early. but you know what? i survived another fucking week, so there's that!! and i have my 3 beautiful children, a BF who i am KIND OF done hatin' on, and the snow outside is pretty. my motto for today? hmm.. how about this one: "all a person really needs is kids, coffee, and metallica."</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>this concludes Sexy Saturday for this week, and i hope i have good things to tell you about next week as well. have a lovely day, week, month, year, fucking CENTURY everyone!! and if shit gets rough, try your darnedest to find the funny in it XD</i></b></span><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i> </i></b><br /><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></b><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkSGPW6qLK5BEZJzJVNa2173qu4DMmoggH1LU140BA2QwWZEKheomDpuUTJRR6zUoBR0fONsqF219fh-EZ6ouAdnT4yZEnKnPTnzqiq0rszKhKmYjJxqGizZsggVzER_BJ7_XcY1LgRTY/s1600/227725_10150585486625254_480488100253_18768726_6855805_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkSGPW6qLK5BEZJzJVNa2173qu4DMmoggH1LU140BA2QwWZEKheomDpuUTJRR6zUoBR0fONsqF219fh-EZ6ouAdnT4yZEnKnPTnzqiq0rszKhKmYjJxqGizZsggVzER_BJ7_XcY1LgRTY/s1600/227725_10150585486625254_480488100253_18768726_6855805_n.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">uuuuuggghhhh omg i love conan!! <3</td></tr></tbody></table><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></b><br /><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-13438044542194399642012-01-06T19:55:00.000-08:002012-05-14T18:13:18.777-07:00kitchen bitch kryptonite<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgirbgyeq7KACE5bSD_NVd4ldjXvfNfF9UO-vn9y5tsqZlEZOb5jf9WZjYEOjnlwyNnlsaBdjm9Xc8t2WncjCt46-L-5s6u_qLeAeYl7ITCFqcfCbh6Bz1cfs6Upw0-pv1gCoIAgMk0SaM/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgirbgyeq7KACE5bSD_NVd4ldjXvfNfF9UO-vn9y5tsqZlEZOb5jf9WZjYEOjnlwyNnlsaBdjm9Xc8t2WncjCt46-L-5s6u_qLeAeYl7ITCFqcfCbh6Bz1cfs6Upw0-pv1gCoIAgMk0SaM/s320/images.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>there's not many creatures in this world that i'm scared of. partly because the creatures i am regularly exposed to aren't that scary {canada is not exactly known for killer sharks, crocodiles, or anything poisonous}, and partly because i am usually able to find the good in every creature. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>for example, the poor, misunderstood spider. they mind their bidness, spin their pretty webs, and kill pesky bugs. what's not to love? fuck man, they have 8 eyes! that is some cool shit! i really like spiders.. so much so, that one of my fondest spider-related memories is of BF and i having a toke outside in a light summer rain and watching a group of spiders maintain their webs and wrap up a few unsuspecting insects who were so masterfully caught in these awe-inspiring works of art. YES, i know, i was stoned.. isn't EVERYTHING awe-inspiring? but man, those spiders were the shit. ok, so i'm getting a tad off topic, aren't i? well i guess you could say i kind of dreaded writing this, even though i wanted to. but it's january, and i'm safe from the winged spawns of satan for another 5 and a half months. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>basically, that ugly motherfucker up there is one of my BIGGEST fears ever, and that is the subject of this post. maybe they will be less terrifying if i can laugh at them, or at least make someone laugh at me. i know, i know. they don't bite, they don't sting.. some <strike>fucking psychos</strike> people even think they're cute. ugh. so this fear makes absolutely no sense, right? but still, i am reduced to a cowering, screaming, crying, hyperventilating wreck if one so much as zooms by my head. many a dumbass has had a chuckle at my expense as i spastically jerk around, twitch, jump, and scream at every little sound that even bears a passing resemblance to that horrible, blood-curdling whir and click of their disgusting little wings; this, of course on the rare occasion that i allow myself to be put in a position where i have to be outside during their peak season. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i don't know when this weird, irrational phobia began. and it really is a phobia, not just a case of being creeped out by a bug. here is the definiton of phobia according to wikipedia</b>: "<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">A </span><b style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">phobia</b><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"> (from the </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_language" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; color: #0b0080; line-height: 19px; text-decoration: none;" title="Greek language">Greek</a><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">: </span><span lang="el" style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;" xml:lang="el">φόβος</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">, </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phobos_(moon)" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Phobos (moon)">Phóbos</a></i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">, meaning "fear" or "morbid fear") is a type of </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorder" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; color: #0b0080; line-height: 19px; text-decoration: none;" title="Anxiety disorder">anxiety disorder</a><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress and significant interference in social or occupational activities."</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>i do not like being classified as having a "disorder" at all; i'd rather just say i'm unique.. quirky even.. but who am i to argue with wikipedia?! {*snickers*} what i will admit is that i do indeed have a "persistent fear" for the aforementioned winged spawns of satan, and i will go to GREAT MOTHERFUCKING LENGTHS to avoid any exposure at all to them. obviously, this is VERY disproportional to the actual danger, because like i said THEY DON'T BITE. also, when i can't avoid them {read: when they ATTACK} i react with something a bit more intense than "marked distress". i'll give you a couple examples before i go curl into the fetal position somewhere over the realization that i have but 5 and half months before they begin their annual reign of terror</b>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>DEMONBUG SEASON '06</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>i was hugely pregnant with #2, it was early june. i was so hot and uncomfortable inside the house because we had no AC, and as soon as the sun started to go down i had shut most of the windows so i wouldn't have to hear the blood chilling buzz and click of the dirty little assholes trying to get in through the screen. yeah yeah, i KNOW that they couldn't get in, there were no holes, but FUCK. i was scared ok? scared shitless. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>but of course, BF and his silver tongue convinced me to come out onto the porch and cool off a bit in the middle of the night. it was breezy, and he assured me that he would not let a single junebug within 5 feet of me. so he brought out my chair, and stayed true to his word. but then one of his friends stopped in, seeing the light on. this guy is an ASSHOLE, in every sense of the word. after shooting the shit for awhile with BF, he commented on my incessant twitching and ducking at every noise. with a sigh i admitted my fear, not expecting anything worse than a little teasing. a few minutes later, ASSHOLE decides to try to be funny by pretending to grab a junebug out of the air and throw it at me. WELL, i am telling you that i don't think i have ever moved my ass that fast in my life, at least not while carrying around an extra 50lbs of pregnant lard. i was in the house and locked in the bathroom within seconds, huddled down by the sink in a sickening, sobbing mess. then i heard BF yelling. FUCK. i had to pull myself together enough to go back out and see what was up. ASSHOLE was terrified, apologizing hysterically as soon as he saw me, going on about it being just a joke, and backing away from BF, who was ready to lose it. thankfully i was able to convince him to chill out and let ASSHOLE leave without tearing his head off.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>DEMONBUG SEASON '07</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>it was late-may, the winged devils were just getting into the swing of things. we had recently moved to a small town about 3 hours away from where we originally come from. i was in no way prepared for the earlier appearance of the fuckers, but i was coping. i also didn't want to pass on this fear to my boys, and damage them somehow. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>BF had a manual labour type job, and he worked long, hard hours every day. part of my ritual every evening was to run him a hot bath as soon as he got home to help with the soreness. on one such occasion, he asked me if i would mind washing his clothes for the next morning, as he hadn't done his laundry {yeah, i know!! he does his own laundry, YAY}. this was back in the 2 kid days, so i didn't have quite the same hatred for laundry as i do now, so i said SURE, NO PROBLEM. little did i know what the evil hell's minions had in store for me. you see, SOMEONE had left the windows open in the basement where our washer and dryer were. that same SOMEONE had also left all of the basement lights on. add that to the fact that by the time i made it down there, it had been dark for at least an hour.. well if you know anything about these junebugs, you'll probably know that they love light and are drawn to it, AND they are most active once the sun goes down. of course, none of this had occurred to me. after all, who would be cruel and/or stupid enough to leave ANY window open during hellbug season?! anywho, down the stairs i went, tired after a long day of minding a 1 year old and a 4 year old. i was in too much of a cartoon-induced stupor to take any note of my surroundings. it was my house, i felt safe. </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>BF didn't have quite enough laundry for a load, so i figured i'd throw in a couple pairs of jeans from the kids' pile too. i picked up the closest pair in the pile, and that's when i saw it. those next few seconds passed by like hours as i first realized that the jeans i was holding were covered with at least 20 fucking junebugs, THEN looked up and saw them fucking EVERYWHERE: on the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor, and flying around the bare lightbulbs. how the fuck had i been so tired as to not have noticed that awful clicking, buzzing sound?! i'm not sure how long i was frozen there, like a deer caught in headlights, before i started screaming and swearing and running up the stairs. i went straight to my room, still screaming, stripped naked, shook out my clothes and put new ones on, all the while feeling like they were all over my body, under my skin, in my hair, EVERYWHERE. but they weren't, i was just sketched the fuck out. well, BF had nearly went into cardiac arrest at all the madness and mayhem that had erupted and had hopped out of the tub, running naked through the house in a panic trying to find me. it took ages to compose myself enough to tell him what had happened, but when i did he redeemed himself for leaving the windows open and the lights on. as tired as he was, he went downstairs for at least 2 hours and killed every last one of those evil, disgusting little bastards. he even disposed of the disgusting little carcasses, and tried his best to wipe up the stains left around each little murder scene. despite the great lengths he went to in order to right his wrong, however, i was afraid of going down there by myself for the next few weeks. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>and there you have it folks. my kryptonite. the one thing that will have me crying and begging for mercy within seconds. even though this may accomplish nothing but making a few of you laugh at my expense, i'm hoping that maybe the utter ridiculousness of this fear will become more clear to me and that some day i'll be able to get over it. ugh. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b>after all of that revisiting of past traumas, i gotta go eat some cigarettes while curled into the fetal postion and regroup just a little. anyone have a valium?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 19px;"><b><br /></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-5694897775886423342012-01-03T18:31:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.127-08:00the unholy ritual<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I7CUXUu1SSw/TwO2nzP63WI/AAAAAAAAAF0/Hbs2cfikZ2E/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I7CUXUu1SSw/TwO2nzP63WI/AAAAAAAAAF0/Hbs2cfikZ2E/s320/Untitled.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the <strike>evil</strike> sweet, sweet child of mine</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>it begins at approximately 8pm every night. the conditions must be perfect, the timing precise, the planets aligned... well, ok, that might be going a bit too far... but not by much.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>what i am referring to is the unholy ritual of getting my youngest child to sleep every night. this child, i believe, is my punishment for all those i times i bragged about my boys and how easy it was to get them to bed. a little snack, a bath, a story, and off they would go, without a single objection. i lived this heavenly existence, shaking my head at those harried-looking mothers who complained of late nights and whiny children, thinking that their troubles were simply due to a dreadful lack of structure and routine. ignorance is bliss. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>then #3 made her appearance. while i won't lay the blame completely on her {partly because i fear her wrath}, she truly is the most stubborn, hard-headed of my brood. below, you will find a step-by-step breakdown of what i go through on an average night for the little <strike>tyrant</strike> angel.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>1. THE YAWN</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>god help me if i so much as THINK about starting this nightly ritual without the appearance of at least 3 "big ones". of course, i am referring to yawns. and not just any regular yawn. it has to be one of those total body, stretching her mouth so wide i fear for her <span style="line-height: 16px;">jaw</span></i></b></span><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i> kind of yawns. with the first one, stealthy preparations must be made. lights slowly turned off, music gradually muted, tv volume lowered precisely 3 notches. at this point, it is of utmost importance that she be unaware of the preparations, and it's best to pretend to be busy with something, so that she thinks that yawn went entirely unnoticed.</i></b><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>after the second yawn, it is merely a waiting game. again, i must make sure not to let on that i know that she is tired. because if she knows that i know, there is no hope for a peaceful ritual and this poses a significant risk to my sanity. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>the third "big one", the most challenging. not only must i pretend not to know that she is tired while at the same time sneak about with blankies and "bee-bees" and "cuppy", i must also contain my excitement over the impending break from <strike>the iron grips of cruel tyranny</strike> mommyhood. no theatrics, no jumping up and down {as much as i want to!!}, no tears of joy if i can help it. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>2. PREPARATIONS</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>before i get into this, grab some fucking duct tape and put it over your mouth. i know i might not going about this the "proper" way {whatever the fuck that is}, but it works. kind of. plus, i'm resistant to change, as is my little girl. and we don't want to anger her. please PLEASE don't anger her. ok, is everyone sufficiently gagged and restrained? alright. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>my daughter will not fall asleep in her room. at least not without much screaming and attempts at summoning the fires of hell itself. and i'd rather not have to subject myself, let alone my sons, to that high-pitched, head-splitting devil's scream. additionally, my next door neighbour is an old lady, and i have no desire to shorten her lifespan any more than necessary.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>anywho, back to subject at hand. she will not fall asleep in her room. therefore, the couch must be made up nice and comfy for her. then, her cuppy must be filled with ice water and set in an inconspicuous, yet accessible area and her movie collection must be located. her current go to bed faves are rio, alvin and the chipmunks, and fern gully. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>3. EXECUTION</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>within a few minutes of the third "big one", it's time to make my move. i scoop her up, turn on the dvd player, hit play, and then lay her down. while changing her diaper, i nonchalantly pass her the cuppy. next, the blankies. there is always 2. always. one for her body, which she prefers to have tucked in under her arms and over one shoulder. even if the first does indeed cover her toes, i must take the second one and lay it over her legs. a kiss on the forehead, and i must make myself scarce. at this point, is it extremely tempting to go to my room and into bed. i have found that giving in to this temptation almost always proves catastrophic. so, i must silently slip out of the living room and into the kitchen, without making too much noise and staying in her peripheral vision at all times. once in the kitchen, i must stay by the island {thankfully, it has an outlet to plug my laptop into}, and stand there. i am not permitted to move from my post until i am absolutely certain that she is asleep. it is at this point, that the entire ritual is in jeopardy. any deviation, however slight, will cause her to leap from the couch and continue her rampage. at which point, the entire ritual must begin again, from the start. ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE YAWN-WATCHING.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>4. EMERGENCY MEASURES</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>there are times when the ritual doesn't proceed as smoothly as i would like, yet has not deviated from the beaten path enough to require a complete do-over. swift action on my part is still required, however, because there is still danger of upsetting the delicate balance enough to warrant a do-over. additionally, these "emergency measures" must also be implemented, without delay, when she is sick or in any kind of discomfort. these additional steps proceed as follows: restart movie. locate feet, place them in my lap. gently rub bottom of each foot simultaneously, without breaking rhythm. when <strike>the devil</strike> baby has been motionless for several minutes and her eyes have a slightly glazed, zombie-like appearance, foot rubs may stop. however, DO NOT remove hands from feet. if, once the foot-rub has stopped, she begins to fidget or stretch, rubbing must resume IMMEDIATELY. if she remains motionless, hands should remain where they are and pressure should be constant. only once her eyes have been closed for at least 5 minutes, should any attempt at hand-removal be made. at this point, the temptation of going straight to bed makes a comeback. however, this must be avoided at all costs. remain seated for another 5 minutes. at the end of this time, if she has still not stirred, SLOWLY stand and back away silently, like a ninja.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>it should be noted at this time that foot-rubs may also be replaced by back-rubs; however, the feet must still be placed in my lap for the duration of this portion of the ritual. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>and there you have it. this is the unholy ritual that dominates my life every evening. strangely, all of these <strike>retarded</strike> completely reasonable requirements are not necessary for nap time. all that's needed for nap time is complete silence, cuppy, and bee-bee the doll. </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>right now, you may be tempted to offer advice or perhaps refer me to a skilled exorcist. please refrain from doing so, <strike>lest we anger the beast</strike> since i really don't mind this little bit of quality snuggly time with my darling little girl.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>someonehelpmepleasesendhelpohpleasesbeforesheseesthispleasehelpmeohmygodhereshecomesohmygodhelllpppppmeeepplllllleeeaaaseeeeeRUNNOWRUNWHILEYOUCAN</i></b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-14390856812068567342011-12-31T16:47:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.138-08:00shit i want to do in 2012<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i>so it's that time again. out with the old, in with the new, and all that clichéd bullshit. now i told myself i wouldn't do this, but FUCK. i'm bored as hell, sitting home on new year's eve and the kids are being disturbingly well behaved. LAPTOP TIME!! </i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jAdN_7k0OxI/Tv-U6W8cIYI/AAAAAAAAAFg/cN7mdeqjztg/s1600/FuckYeaFemale.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jAdN_7k0OxI/Tv-U6W8cIYI/AAAAAAAAAFg/cN7mdeqjztg/s1600/FuckYeaFemale.png" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">FUCK YEAH</span><br /></b></span></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>so, i'm not going out and getting shitfaced tonight.. but that's ok. it's completely voluntary, unlike that time i was pregnant and spent new year's eve crying at home with my swollen feet elevated, feeling like a walrus. i am feeling blessedly unwalrus-like tonight, and actually looking forward to going to sleep and waking up feeling alive. </i></b><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i>all week, i mulled it over in my head. usually there's no question: it's new year's eve, go out, get shitfaced, start the new year with a KILLER hangover and looking like my makeup bag vomited on my face. this year, i'm pretty sure there's something wrong with my intestines, and after the 2 days of utter digestive HELL following my last bit of drinking, i decided to actually listen to my gut for once {teehee!!} and save the partying for all the young <strike>skanks</strike> ladies with the skinny jeans and flat tummies.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i>so instead of teetering around in a pair of sky-high heels and a short skirt, freezing my vagina right the fuck OFF, i'm compiling a list of shit i want to do this year. i don't like to call them resolutions because, well fuck, i just DON'T. it's just shit i want to do. either way, my vagina is happy, because it's not frozen to death.</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><i>1. GET HEALTHY, LIKE A FUCKING HORSE</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>so yeah, everyone says this, every fucking year. but i'm going to do it, goddammit! and not just because i want to fit into those sexy jeans that i LOVE but haven't been able to get past my thighs since '08. there's been a lot of deaths and heart attacks in my community over the past year or so, and like most other places in north america, obesity is an epidemic. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>i grew up a fat kid, i don't want that for MY kids. that shit is fucking hard. so i'm embracing this healthy lifestyle more and more, because i know that kids do what they see, and i doubt they'll be trying very hard to live an active lifestyle if all mommy does is eat chips, watch maury, and go completely fucking apeshit over naughty internet memes. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><i>2. GET ORGANIZED</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>this one might be tougher than the first. fuck, who am i kidding? it WILL be. and i say that not only because one of BF's pet names for me is "the clutter queen", but also because i have created several clutter-filled black holes in various locations around the house. of course, you wouldn't notice this shit if you walked in my front door any given day, but those black holes are there, living a life of their own and sucking in every loose sock and all-important doo-dad that strays too close to the opening of their swirling vortices. they can be found in the hall closet {which even I, the goddess of disorganization, is wary of approaching unarmed}, the cupboard above the fridge {the subject of many of BF's fuck-rants}, and in the boys' rooms {there is evil in those rooms that does not sleep!}. basically, the only thing that's keeping me off of hoarders is a couple of doors, a lack of animal and/or human feces, and the neat freak tendencies of poor, long-suffering BF. so yeah, i'm making a damn to-do list of de-cluttering and ATTACKING those trouble spots. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><i>3. GET A NEW COUCH</i></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>ok, so i have no hilarious explanation for this one. i just need a new couch because mine is a smelly old piece of shit. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span><br /><b><i><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">so that's all i got, folks. well not really. a bunch of other crazy shit went through my mind while writing down these 3 things. but 3 is a good, solid, safe, DO-ABLE number.. and that's all i'm committing to. and in case you haven't heard it yet {pfft yeah fucking right!}, have a safe and happy new year's eve, and may 2012 bring you lots of good things.. like bacon, moose meat, happy families, and dirty neanderthal sex in the mud.</span></i></b><br /><b><i><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></b><br /><b><i><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></b>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7953216000506297718.post-90116074668474311482011-12-31T10:35:00.000-08:002012-01-29T11:09:28.149-08:00fuck off, 2011. kthnxbai XD<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>so, in honor of the new year, and also because i haven't been blogging that long, i've decided to give you a little list of just what the fuck i've been up to for the past year. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>JANUARY</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>while recovering from new years eve shenanigans, i decide to finally upload my pics from the holidays. i hadn't looked at them on the computer yet, just on the little screen on my camera, so i was fucking SHOCKED at what i found. and not in a good way, either. </b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r4p-3smp4M8/Tv9JI0JcusI/AAAAAAAAADQ/tRlpqGCXzI4/s1600/fat.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r4p-3smp4M8/Tv9JI0JcusI/AAAAAAAAADQ/tRlpqGCXzI4/s320/fat.png" width="172" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this is one of my holiday pics. UGH</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>now i was aware of the fact that i had put on a little weight after leaving school, but i was in denial as to how much. so when i saw my pics blown up on the unforgiving, uncaring dumb fuck of a computer screen, i was crushed and embarrassed. why, just a month before i had been in my shortest skirt, bumpin' and grindin' at the club, completely oblivious to the spare tires i was packing and wondering why i couldn't get any attention from some cuties i was making eyes at {BF and i had broken up for a few weeks, starting in november} poor fucks probably thought i was fixin' to roll them in breadcrumbs and deep fry 'em for a snack. or whatever. i don't know what men think when they are being relentlessly pursued by a fat girl who thinks she's the shit. FUCK.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>anyway, after wallowing in depression and old sweats for a week or so, i finally snapped out of it and asked BF for help. {we had reconnected just before xmas}. he was amazingly supportive, and so began my intro to fitness and nutrition.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>FEBRUARY</b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7WW74OmDeYg/Tv9KO59eSNI/AAAAAAAAADc/EBB_jqbupGY/s1600/061.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7WW74OmDeYg/Tv9KO59eSNI/AAAAAAAAADc/EBB_jqbupGY/s320/061.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#3, not giving a fuck. i mean, who wants to PLAY with toys,<br />when you can just stand on the box?! am i right?!<br />and #1, just chillin', as always.</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>holy fuck, canada is cold!! nothing much exciting happened this month, other than #3's first birthday BASH! and by BASH! i mean me cooking like a motherfucker, covering everything in pink balloons, and stressing that she didn't have enough presents only to find that only 3 people bothered to show up and #3 just didn't give a fuck either way. sure, she played with her toys a little, but she was completely un-fucking-phased by all of the shit i had done. #2 had a meltdown because he wasn't the center of attention, and crashed out in a frustrated little pile in the middle of the kitchen. and #1 of course, was just as cool as a cucumber.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>MARCH</b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SSb7uW4id2I/Tv9Lda59LsI/AAAAAAAAADo/aoCT5l-OZ-k/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SSb7uW4id2I/Tv9Lda59LsI/AAAAAAAAADo/aoCT5l-OZ-k/s320/013.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">had no birthday BF pics, so here is my cat, winnie.<br />she had a bath in march and was not pleased.</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>BF's birthday mid-month. our plans for an awesome date night were spoiled by lack of a sitter. being the amazing gf that i am, i told him to go out and have some fun, and i'd stay home with the wee ones. his mom dropped him off a few hours later, totally obliterated and senseless. i had a little giggle and went back to bed. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>shit started thawing out, and along with most canadians, i breathed a sigh of relief that winter would not be here forever.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>APRIL</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>oh my sweet fuck, SWEATER WEATHER!! and by that i mean you could go out with just a sweater most days, instead of 17 pairs of pants, 14 shirts, and 85 scarves wrapped around your head. </b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uP6JmhplEZU/Tv9Mvq1iEfI/AAAAAAAAAD0/xX7nA64qAyw/s1600/006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uP6JmhplEZU/Tv9Mvq1iEfI/AAAAAAAAAD0/xX7nA64qAyw/s320/006.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my favorite flower, the easter lily</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>after working out with my hip hop abs dvd and some strength training with weights, and eventually graduating to insanity, i had seen some awesome results, and the compliments were trickling in. even from BN, for fuck sakes! {if you can consider "ohh, you've slimmed down A LOT!! still got that big ass though" a compliment}</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>easter dinner was a success, with me making my first honey-glazed ham. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>MAY</b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8LPqz8Q6_F0/Tv9NIedKifI/AAAAAAAAAEA/_-eQiPhJS7o/s1600/meeee.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8LPqz8Q6_F0/Tv9NIedKifI/AAAAAAAAAEA/_-eQiPhJS7o/s320/meeee.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ME!!! just before the big dance</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>biggest fucking rez party EVER mid-month, what with the annual fishing thingie my community has. sexy, brown-skinned savages come from all over to fish, and possibly to pick up a fellow sexy, brown-skinned savage at the dance that's held. of course, i wasn't into that, i had MY savage already. but i did want to go shake my ass all over said savage, and turn some heads with my new figure. a great time was being had, until they played "party rock anthem". then i fucking lost it!! i proceeded to go COMPLETELY nuts, drag poor BF onto the dance floor, and SHUFFLE like crazy. of course, this is never a good idea in 4 inch heels, unless you're a fucking pro. which i am not. the 7646273 drinks spilled on the dance floor didn't help much either. so i fell flat on my ass, giving a nice panty flash to anyone who was watching. i was lucky, and nothing was broken. {little did i know, that i would not always be so lucky!} and thankfully, a really obese guy fell just as i did, couldn't get up, and several people had to help him. it's a sin, but OMG thank you fat guy, wherever you are, for helping take some attention off of me!!</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>JUNE</b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p4yJXMV5R5s/Tv9Noq5z3KI/AAAAAAAAAEM/lvdcEhCxaVE/s1600/032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p4yJXMV5R5s/Tv9Noq5z3KI/AAAAAAAAAEM/lvdcEhCxaVE/s320/032.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">father's day food for my lovemuffin <3</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>little brother, L, came to visit from another province. visits to mom became more frequent, because he was crashing there, and more bearable, simply because of his presence. we spent many long, warm almost-summer evenings on my back porch, sipping cold beer and talking about old times. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>cooked a pretty epic meal for father's day, and enjoyed the company of my mother {gasp! her first time in my new house!}, my aunt, L, and of course, my little family.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>JULY</b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IeSzzwFYCKM/Tv9Pl4359wI/AAAAAAAAAEY/NaCg1mV3vWc/s1600/031.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IeSzzwFYCKM/Tv9Pl4359wI/AAAAAAAAAEY/NaCg1mV3vWc/s320/031.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">almost ready for the festivities!! </td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>both boys had their birthdays this month, 1 week apart, so we decided to have one big party for both of them. even though it rained, and we couldn't get the big inflatable jumping castle that the boys wanted, a good time was had by all. again, i cooked my ass off, and i must have done something right, seeing as how there were NO leftovers. poor BF.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>entered a local "biggest loser" challenge to try and give my motivation a jumpstart. worked out like a motherfucker, ate a totally clean diet, and lost 15lbs in the first week. no bull.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>AUGUST</b></span><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c88XsyXcLL0/Tv9QRYvY_5I/AAAAAAAAAEk/Ce0BqhAj9E4/s1600/027.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c88XsyXcLL0/Tv9QRYvY_5I/AAAAAAAAAEk/Ce0BqhAj9E4/s320/027.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#1 and #2, enjoying the summer weather<br />and their new skateboards</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>a friend of the family eloped in newfoundland. we were invited to a little reception in the new couple's honour early this month. when they showed a slideshow of pics from the actual ceremony, accompanied by a mushy love song, i was reduced to a blubbering fool. oh great, i thought, i am so fucked when my big brother gets married in september! </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>there was a little dance, and more than a little drinks. i was having a perfect night until PARTY ROCK ANTHEM came on. yeah, you guessed it, i fucking lost it. and of course, i was wearing some badass heels. long story short, i broke my ankle.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>final weigh-in the biggest loser was at the end of the month. i won by about a pound, thanks to my epic loss of the first week. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">SEPTEMBER</b><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s93GxCxIVNo/Tv9Q96Q3moI/AAAAAAAAAEw/T-NI87QXy7E/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s93GxCxIVNo/Tv9Q96Q3moI/AAAAAAAAAEw/T-NI87QXy7E/s320/Untitled.png" width="166" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#2, obviously ecstatic about the tux he had to wear<br />and the crowd of people staring at him. lol</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>big brother got married this month. it was beautiful, perfect, like a fairy tale. my new SIL looked like a princess, and i of course was a blubbering, bawling fool. #2 was the ringbearer, and was simply amazing in his cuteness. after sending the kids home to their grampy after the reception, vast quantities of wine were consumed and much of my dancing was endured by BF. they played party rock anthem of course, but despite my highly inebriated state, i sat the fuck down. when my other brothers and friends teased me and BF about being the next to tie the knot, i firmly said, "NO WAY. that's not for us." little did i know!!</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">OCTOBER</b><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XuypN9PifBE/Tv9RsZnevUI/AAAAAAAAAE8/mluxg7LSuzQ/s1600/189375_181696655228908_161799117218662_453259_1733949_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XuypN9PifBE/Tv9RsZnevUI/AAAAAAAAAE8/mluxg7LSuzQ/s1600/189375_181696655228908_161799117218662_453259_1733949_n.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this gem is the type of thing that angered the IRL fuckers. *sighs*</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>nothing really exciting. wake up, go to work, come home, cook, clean, check fb. liked my first fb page that contained funny pics and jokes. but when i began sharing all of this amazing shit on my personal fb, people got all pissy. people are stupid, especially the IRL ones.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>so i decided to create my own little page, a place to rant & rave, and post whatever the fuck i wanted. because you know, i couldn't just UNFRIEND these people.. i had to know what they were doing every day, HAD TO.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">NOVEMBER</b><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2rrhp4XUscg/Tv9SGaTj6rI/AAAAAAAAAFI/hcRkgRQPUmA/s1600/n524066922_2252283_1514764.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2rrhp4XUscg/Tv9SGaTj6rI/AAAAAAAAAFI/hcRkgRQPUmA/s320/n524066922_2252283_1514764.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>this was a sad month. i was laid off from my shitty job, and the anniversary of my dad's death was mid-month. i decided to take a stab at blogging after reading some amazing words by the geniuses behind Holdin' Holden, A Fort 4 Spitfyre, The Monster in Your Closet, Bitches Gotta Eat, and many more. my first blog post ever was dedicated to my dad.</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b><br /><b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">DECEMBER</b><br /><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7E9A-EilyJ4/Tv9SiiX075I/AAAAAAAAAFU/hbRDn3Q0rjA/s1600/018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7E9A-EilyJ4/Tv9SiiX075I/AAAAAAAAAFU/hbRDn3Q0rjA/s320/018.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my "charlie brown" christmas tree</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>stress levels were at an all-time high, with no cash flow and no way of even coming close to last year's awesomeness. somewhere between stressing about the holidays and simply trying to survive, BF asked me to marry him over our after-supper coffee. i said yes. this year has been one of falling into love all over again, compromise, and both of us changing for the better. i can't wait to start making plans!</b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>needless to say, we survived christmas. the kids were happy and wonderfully greatful for all of their gifts, even though there was a significant lack of the latest games and fancy gadgets. in fact, the greatest hits were the doodle/activity books and markers from the dollar store i had grabbed as a last minute stocking stuffer. </b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>and that, my lovelies, was my year. not terribly exciting, i know, but it is what it is. my wish for the new year is for a bajillion more happy smiles on my children's faces, 100 bajillion more happy little moments as we watch them grow and find their place in this world, and health and happiness for every single one of my dear readers, followers, friends, and family. </b></span>rantinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01819225709157153577noreply@blogger.com5