so, i'm depressed. big fucking surprise there. i'm also pissed off at myself for being so goddamned apathetic and moping around like a fucking kicked puppy. what the fuck, self?
it seems that what i really should be doing is taking my own advice of a couple weeks ago: try to find the fucking funny in shit. ok. so how? re-do this week's SEXY SATURDAY post perhaps? nahhh man, i kinda like that one. even though i wrote all of one sentence. hmmm... funny funny funny.. where the FUCK is my funny?!
if you've ever been depressed before, maybe you'll be able to relate to this. i looked really funny today. this morning i changed out of my bed clothes into *surprise* more bed clothes. a BRIGHT blue and pink striped tweety bird tank and canary yellow shorts, to be exact. don't judge me. depression doesn't color coordinate. don't try to envision how i must have looked, either. i don't want your eyes to bleed.
this morning, i didn't brush my hair. i just piled it all up into a messy bun at the top of my head. well, i finally got around to brushing it out some time after supper, and imagine my surprise when a whole family of disgruntled rats jumped out! well, no. that really didn't happen. but it could have. i'm surprised a new species of something wasn't discovered in there.
any more funny? well, this morning i went out to check the mail since i hadn't gone yesterday. and since it is only at the end of the driveway, i just threw on my ancient, fuzzy red robe and my broke ass, rez-looking sneakers and went. apparently BF watched the whole spectacle from the window, and by the time i had turned around to go back to the house, he was there, with both boys, all of them laughing hysterically at my outfit. fuckers. when i think back now though, that must have been pretty fucking funny. i also wonder what my poor older neighbour thinks of me after that display? am i now the crazy cat/dog/bird/kid lady of the street, known to run amok from time to time in a fuzzy red robe and canary yellow shorts IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING JANUARY?! oh well. haters gonna hate.
another thing that gave me a little smirk and a giggle or two {or seven}, was a particular thought provoking mini-convo i had with BF that somehow turned to the subject of me possibly being mildly bipolar {if there even is such a thing. i haven't googled it though, because i don't want to know ANYTHING until i hear it from the doctor}. BF said to me, "i don't think you're bipolar. you're just smart. smart people are fucking psycho. it's ok, i still love you. but i am glad that you're not a genius!" ummm ok. thanks? i think? despite BF's diagnosis {?} of "fucking psycho" and his rather hasty assumption that i am not, in fact, a genius, this little exchange made me laugh. i love him for being able to bring some laughs and smiles into this blackness.
that's about all i got, folks. i do feel a little more human and a little less zombie-like today though, so i suppose that's better than nothing right? and if i never haul my ass out of this funk, at least i can take comfort in the fact that my fashion choices will be providing someone out there with a bit of entertainment, and perhaps even provide them with their daily recommended dosage of "WHAT IN THE SWEET FLYING FUCK?!"
