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Wednesday, 30 November 2011

BF's "other women"

a lot of nights {or anytime we can escape from the children}, we get to talking. a lot of times about weird stuff. 


on one of these particular occasions, we got to the subject of infidelity. one of BF's friends had recently found facebook messages between his gf and another guy. i don't know exactly what these messages said, but she had basically been fucking around when she was supposed to be visiting family. so, we were discussing how badly infidelity, sexual or emotional {and yes, there is such a thing as an emotional affair!} can damage a relationship.


hugging his hard body close, i told him "i couldn't imagine cheating on you or ever being with anyone else. you are the best lover i've ever had, the best father in the world, and you're all that i need." he smiled that foolish smile that i love so much and kissed me back. then he said to me, "and i'd never cheat on you. because i've already got enough women, and i don't need any more."

before i could punch him, he was quick to explain exactly what he meant. apparently, over the years, he has come to believe that i am not just 1 woman, but several. so here it is, as best as i can explain it, the other women. 

1. THE DOMINATRIX
  apparently, this woman is both incredibly sexy and incredibly frightening. while she seems to appear most frequently with the help of budweiser, it is not unheard of for her to pop in unannounced on any random night {or day}, throw him down onto the nearest surface and have her way with him before leaving him panting, confused, and desperately fighting the urge to curl into the fetal position. she sometimes comes equipped with props like handcuffs and homemade whips, but often her nails, teeth, and open palms serve her quite well. this bitch is one of my faves.

2. THE SUPERWOMAN
  this chick is fucking amazing. she wakes up before anyone else and stealthily creeps about the house, packing lunches, cleaning, and basically just getting shit done. before the kids can even grasp what's happened, they're suddenly clean, fed, clothed, and on the bus scratching their heads. she goes through the house like an OCD/germ phobe tornado, and by the time BF wakes up, the place is so sparkling clean that it's almost unrecognizable. by the end of the day, she'll have an amazing supper fit for kings on the table, some new creation baking for dessert, and if BF has been lucky enough to have a day off, he will have benefited from multiple instances of spontaneous oral pleasure. this chick does not delegate any regular duties to BF, but rather encourages him to relax in front of the tv while she brings him snacks and periodically checks if he is ready for more oral pleasure. 

3. THE BITCH
  it's a good fucking thing this cunt only comes once a month. even that is too much. the kids seem to at least suspect her existence, because even though she rarely directs her sarcasm and anger toward them, they tend to stay out of her way. rather than fighting over toys or taking tantrums, they develop an uneasy truce for the length of the bitch's stay. and BF? well god help him if he so much as looks at her the wrong way, because she has one short motherfucker of a fuse. he's learned over the years to just keep his mouth shut when she's around, and get out of the house as soon as humanly possible. in the early years, he still didn't understand this woman, and has had multiple objects hurled at his head after provoking, and then pursuing an argument. 
this bitch can most easily be identified by a facial expression that BF calls the "eagle eye," which looks precisely the way it sounds.

4. THE ZOMBIE
  some months, this one comes in place of THE BITCH. most times, however, she comes after a specific incident. she's almost constantly on the verge of tears and spends most of her day on the couch or in bed, drinking coffee and sleeping when she can. she stays in her pjs and doesn't bother fixing her hair, because she has no intention of answering the door anyway. on these days, nothing around the house gets done except the absolute bare minimum.


now those are just a few of bf's "other women", as he calls them. and apparently, this is why he'll never need to cheat on me {other than the whole love thing, ya know}. he did provide examples of more, but they were all more or less variations of these 4. i guess it depends on the hormone/caffeine/nicotine levels which lovely lady will be the most prominent. whatever. this is probably the closest i will come to a partial understanding of the way his male brain works. oh gee, thanks for classifying me as a case of multiple personality disorder darling!! 


now, before anyone gets their drawers in a wad, i did not write this to poke fun at, or minimize the struggles of, anyone suffering from multiple personality disorder. this was merely an attempt to understand how a male brain interprets the behavior of a hormonal being such as myself. and i'm pretty sure he's not the only man out there that realizes the goddess that made his supper is not necessarily going to be the same loving creature he fell in love with every moment of every day. 


XD

Saturday, 26 November 2011

some shit you should know XD

i think i love this whole blogging thing. i've always loved writing, especially having a good rant & rave.. but in this day and age, i think a diary which just gets shoved into the panty drawer when i'm done unloading just doesn't cut it. what's a good rant if there's no one to appreciate it right? and i'm hoping there's some of you out there that will enjoy what i have to write. if not, that's ok too.

so what i figured i'd do with this post is to tell you a bit about myself and this strange and wonderful thing called my life. i was going to do it when i created my profile.. but you know, once i get writing {or typing, what the fuck ever}, i tend to get a little side tracked, and what i end up with is nothing like what i had in mind when i first set out. i'm a fucking scatterbrain. probably has something to do with my complete dependence of caffeine.

basically, i'm just another mom of 3 with a boyfriend of about 8 years {on and off, bless his little arsehole of a heart}. to avoid any confusion, i guess we could call him BF. we fight a lot, and we break up a lot.. or at least come close to it. but we usually work it out in the end, and usually thanks  to our 3 lovely little crotchfruit {2 boys and a girl}. 

my oldest son is 8 years old {we'll call him #1}, and is not BF's biological son, but he is his son in every other sense of the word. the "sperm donor", as i like to call him, is currently incarcerated in a maximum security prison. {he's actually due to be released in little over a month, i'll post about that whole shitfest another time}. but basically, BF is the only dad #1 has ever known, and all the dad he'll ever need. #1 is the easiest for me to relate to of all my children. he's laid back, mellow, and cooler than i ever thought an 8 year old {or any child for that matter} could possibly be. but he's also a slickster that misses very little. at the age of 6, he already knew when i was getting paid, and would ask for what he wanted on the night before pay day, without fail, every week. we have the same twisted sense of humor, although his is still innocent and uncorrupted by internet memes like mine. he's becoming a little bookworm too, much to my delight. anything to get him off the computer and video games!!

#2 is my middle child, my handsome 5 year old boy. he's always been a tiny bit more spoiled than the other two, as hard as that is to admit. but his birth was a traumatic one, and i think that might be part of the reason. after 16 hours of intense labor, poor little #2 got stuck at the shoulders on his way out. this was an emergency, since the cord was compressed and could not deliver oxygen. as well, his little chest was compressed by the birth canal and he was unable to take a breath on his own. my doctor worked quickly, because if he wasn't born within a minute or two he could have irreversible brain damage. she pretty much yanked the poor guy out of my battle weary vagina, breaking his little arm in the process. thankfully, no permanent damage was done and his arm was healed perfectly in about a month. 
#2 is a little clone of his father... bossy, opinionated, and with a silver tongue. he has this crazy charisma i've never seen in a child so young. i'd never believe it if i didn't witness it every day, but this little guy can have anyone, adult or child, wrapped around his little finger before they even realize what's happened. he often joins forces with #1, and when they work together, they are an often unstoppable force.


my baby is #3, the last child i'll have, my pretty little girl. she's 20 months old, and our little world revolves around her. rather than being jealous or envious of her, #1 and #2 are just as captivated by her charm as everyone else. but how could they help it? she is an amazing child. at the age of 5 months, and this is no bullshit i swear to you, she was rolling over both ways AND sitting up. at 6 months, she was crawling and pulling herself up to stand. when we moved from our tiny trailer to a bigger house, and she suddenly had all this space to explore, she started walking.. at 8 months old!! so you can imagine the fun i have during the day with her. if she can get a chubby little leg up on something {hell, even the tip of a toe i bet}, she can climb it. 


and that, my friends, is my little family. i look forward to sharing with you the crazy shit that happens here, as well as other little stories about how i struggled through the past 26 years to finally get here, to this little slice of sometimes fucked up heaven that is now my life.