suck ass sunday

meh... so i missed my customary Sexy Saturday post. forgive me? i'll give you this as an apology:

you're welcome

the reason i missed it, is that i was hung THE FUCK over. see, i drink maybe once a month now {geez, YES I KNOW.. i really gotta settle down with my crazy ass}, and friday was one of those nights. and as a result of my pounding, about to explode brain, i postponed the customary morning-after "scroll of shame" until today. it's not as bad looking at all of the foolish, irrelevant, and downright WTF moments of online inebriation when the hangover is nothing but a memory.


anywho, because of my over-indulgence in the wine on friday night, i didn't so much as open the lid of my laptop on saturday. not that i had much feel-good, positive sexy saturday goodness to report..


so today shall be dubbed "SUCK ASS SUNDAY".

ok, i will admit that this entire week hasn't sucked ass. there were a few good things. but FUCK i'm mad NOW, and i don't want to be un-mad.. yet. 


1. BF is a dick face who was gone for 3 days without a single call, message, or ANYTHING. apparently he got picked up while on his way home for a weed possession charge. i really don't care if the fucking aliens came down from planet whateverthefuck to anal probe him and bring world peace from the info collected in his rectum. HE COULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED IN SOME WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM to contact me. he's back now, and i am trying to restrain my spork hand from sporking his nutsack off and mounting it on my wall. the adult discussion will commence once the children are asleep. and by adult discussion i mean me TEARING him a BRAND-NEW shiny asshole. 


2. my cat is in heat and had a threesome {?} with my dogs. yeah, i know.. WTF?! and no, i am NOT going into an in-depth explanation on THAT. the fact that i had to type those words is enough of a reason for me to say FML as it is.




and there you have it. this sunday can suck my pretty little ass :)

a learning adventure

as a woman who spends most of her time home with the young 'uns and the laptop, you would think that i don't have much to talk about. other than poop, puke, and snot, that is. but as it turns out, i do. and today, when i was granted escape from this prison house to grab some holiday groceries, i surprised myself by the sheer volume of non-kid-related shit that just flew from my mouth in between gulps of nearly orgasmic tim horton's coffee. 


by the time we got home, i had realized that this had been a learning adventure.. a field trip of sorts. so rather than making a long ass post on my fb page, and bugging the fuck out of the people that don't want to read and would rather click through funny pics, i decided to blog about it. although, the annoyance of non-readers is always fun. perhaps i'll save some for them. but never mind that. without further ado, here it is:




Things I Learned Today


1. I STILL GOT IT. so, obviously, i don't get out much. most of my time is spent at home, with the kids. i don't bother with makeup or hair. hell, i'm feeling rather foxy and ahead of the game if i manage to get a bra on. but today, i had a bit of free time while waiting for my friend to come pick me up. so i had a little stare down with my makeup bag, which resulted in me thinking "what the hell, i'm already wearing the good bra. might as well slap on the ole war paint as well." now let me tell you, i'm fucking lucky i stepped out of the house looking like a fairly normal person. i'm surprised i still remember what products to apply to what part of my face. but i got it right today. so right, in fact, that i got myself not one, but TWO double takes while strutting around with my grocery cart. fuck yeah. 


2. YOU REALLY CAN PICK UP AT THE GROCERY STORE. ok, now before you get all freaked out, everything is fine between the BF and i. we are still engaged, and i'm not looking for a guy. but remember the double takes? well yeah. they led up to some pretty meaningful eye contact {well, meaningful for THEM.. i just lol-ed in my head}. so i'm thinking, i have to stop my single girlfriends from checking out the bar scene. i gotta get them all skankified and drag them along to the grocery store. because if i can get some second looks and an invitation to flirtation at the check out armed with nothing but the good bra and the war paint, they might just get bent over in the produce section. and that would save me from a lot of late night phone and online conversations assuring them that a)there is nothing wrong with them, b)there are nice men out there who are single AND straight, and c)if they follow a decent regimen of personal hygiene, their hoo-hah will NOT grow cobwebs. 


3. I CAN BE KINDA FUNNY, GIVEN THE RIGHT CONDITIONS AND OPTIMAL HORMONE/CAFFEINE LEVELS. shocking, i know. and while i always knew that i had a sense of humor, i was not always aware that i can make coffee {and any other beverage} shoot from my friends' noses with just the right combination of words spoken in a slightly exaggerated eastern canada reserve accent. all of this WITHOUT the aide of a poop, puke, or snot-filled story of my lovely little angels. 


4. WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE UNDER CARE OF A MAN, DO NOT LEAVE THEM WITH ANY OPPORTUNITY TO ATTEMPT MOM-STYLE MULTI-TASKING. i should have just left the house, and told BF to relax and enjoy the kids. but no, i must be a sucker for punishment, because i asked him to give #3 a bath AND reminded him that there was a tim horton's coffee from my sister in the fridge from last night. sounds pretty harmless right? WRONG. this is what i gathered of the situation when i returned to a smoky, smelly house: our microwave recently bit the dust, so BF decided to heat the coffee in a pot. he then handed the laptop over to the boys to play games. then he forgot about the coffee {which was on FULL BLAST, because he knows of no other way to use the stove}, and put baby in the tub. the result? a smoking, splattering, smelly mess which ruined one of my only pots, 2 boys so zoned out on their game that they sat through all of this without realizing that the house was filling with smoke, and a frantic, crazed BF running through the house opening windows and waving towels at the smoke alarm with a dripping wet baby tucked under one arm like a football. i would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that little shitfest!!


4. I SHOULD NOT BE LEFT UNATTENDED FOR LONG, LEST MY THOUGHTS START TO WANDER. yeah, so i've been told that i have a sick mind. and friends are always watching me if someone lets out a sentence with even a hint of potential innuendo. nevertheless, my friend left me unattended at the grocery store so that she could catch the bank and grab a few things at the dollar store. she also made the mistake of underestimating my shopping-ninja skills. i am a fucking FAST shopper. i get my groceries and i go, without any pointless wandering or fiddling around. so there i was, unattended and alone with my dirty mind, waiting for her to come get me. this will be better portrayed in the form of a "rage-ish almost-comic." so here goes. 

first i was like, "oh what a nice day.. blah blah herpin derpin fuckin herp!! "

 WHEN SUDDENLY LE WILD OLD COUPLE APPEARS, HOLDING HANDS AND BEING CUTE.

and of course, my mind wanders. i think, "that's so sweet, look at them... probably still in love and all that jazz.."


and my mind wanders farther.. and i begin to giggle to myself and think, "they used to bang!!"

THEN...

I BET THEY STILL BANG

FOLLOWED BY..

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST THINK?? 

and that, my friends, concludes my interpretation of today's learning adventure. i hope you enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed my weekly outing!!