HEY GUYS! wanna get laid tonight?

if wifey looks like this, chances are,
you are NOT getting any pussy tonight. 

i'm just a little fucking angry today, and i choose to channel that anger towards writing some really fucking useful shit. you know, because if i wasn't pounding away at this fucking keyboard, i'd be pounding the fucking roses {thorns first, of course} right into the asshole {or urethra.. my ovaries haven't decided yet just how mad i should be} of the man who lives with me that i fuck occasionally. i'll spare you the details because i fear that if i even attempt to regurgitate even one incidence out of the many incidences of douchebaggery that i was exposed to today, i might just fucking explode. and who the fuck would clean my entrails and smoking, splattered remains from the walls, floors, and ceiling? that's right. NO FUCKING ONE. 


what i will say is this: i am on the fucking rag and mood swingy enough that anyone with common sense who has been around me for even 25 seconds today should be able to see the big flashing "DON'T FUCK WITH ME TODAY" sign above my head. ok, so i don't actually have one, but fuck, i think i should. anyway..


you wanna get laid tonight? maybe you bought some shit for that special chick that you bang on the regular. or maybe you want to skip the tuesday night tv and are hoping those dinner reservations and all that other shit will get you into wifey's panties. OR maybe you just want to sit back with some porn and lotion and just fucking POUND your good 'ole winky half to death.  if you're doing the latter, this post is not for you. feel free to continue reading, but know this: i am mentally sending out cosmic deathrays {i don't know wtf i'm talking about} over the internet because i fucking hate you for being single. you lucky bastard. fuck off. 


ok. whew. sorry. too much anger and caffeine running through me at the moment.


anywhooo.... you wanna get laid right? and sometimes it is hard to fit in the sexy time with work, kids, dogs, cats, fucking APHIDS.. or whatever the fuck it is that you do that keeps you from busting the goddamned bed frame. so you think, "hey, motherfuckers! it's valentine's day! i'll get that bitch some {insert whatever the fuck she likes that you can afford here}, spout off some mushy shit i seen on twilight or found on the internet, and we will fuck 'til we scream {or 'til we get out of breath and light-headed because we haven't done so good on the new year's resolution of getting in shape}." 
well, that's a nice thought and all... but fucking GUESS WHAT?! 


1. flowers, candy, and jewellry {well, i could be wrong with the jewellry} are nice and shit.. BUT they do not have the power to erase from her mind what an inconsiderate, snivelling little cunt you've been yesterday or last week. AND those little tokens of your desire to continue having your dick sucked on the regular {because that is what it really boils down to, right?} do not mean that you will be automatically excused from, or suffer milder consequences from any future acts of asshattery. basically, if you're a dick, fucking STOP IT. 


2. women want to get laid too. BUT if you have kids, animals, or aphids {wtf?!} that need to go to school or even {gasp!!} be fed and cleaned up after, and you just hand her the roses or whatever other bullshit you hustled up for today before plopping your ass down and being the same old lazy cunt that you've been for the past 364 days, she's gonna be too fucking tired, annoyed, and downright disgusted with your pathetic ass to even blow a kiss at you, let alone suck your dick til you scream like the little bitch you are. you know what's sexy and that drops panties more effectively than any fucking bundle of dying vegetation, fattening candy, or going to eat in some pretentious shithole that she's really not in the mood for squeezing into nice clothes for? a fucking man that's secure enough in his own manhood to pick up a fucking broom, wipe some toddler snot, and maybe even fucking offer to make her something to eat! it doesn't even matter if you suck at those things {well, except for the snot wiping. how can you fuck that up, even if you are just a man? seriously}, at least fucking TRY. and don't just fucking do it today. PLEASE make an effort to be less of a useless bag of flesh on other days besides this one. it will be worth it, i promise. 
yeah we're bitches, and maybe even psychotic cunts sometimes.. but if you just TRY to not be a lazy fuckbag, she might just notice that shit. maybe, just maybe, she might decide against those anti-penetration sweatpants, and choose instead some sexy lingerie. 


now, lazy assholes of the internets, GTFO. did you honestly think i was going to give you a butt load of tips and tricks for getting into some panties tonight? HA! see, you're being fucking lazy again. fuck off with that. seriously. what i've given you here is the basics. i don't think you will have a very hard time figuring out other ways to not be a dick... and if you do, well FUCK. maybe you should have just stuck with the trusty jergens and porn. just sayin'

the dick punch: a comprehensive guide

in today's society, asshatery and dougebaggery have become rampant, as well as the problem of fucktarditis, which has reached PANDEMIC proportions. since the world health organization has ignored my repeated attempts to have these important mental health issues brought to the forefront and discussed on an international level, i have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. 


there is only ONE proper and humane way to deal with asshats, douchebags, and fucktards. you guessed it, my darling pupils: the DICK PUNCH.


PLEASE NOTE: for any asshats, douchebags, and fucktarditis carriers that are lacking a dick, the cunt punt is another approved means of helping them to see the error of their ways. we will explore this issue in a future post. 

in case there is any confusion as to what i mean, this is the definition of dick punch that i am referring to. NOT the placing of one's penis in someone's drink, OR the punching of someone with one's penis. interestly, these other definitions describe quite nicely situations that do, in my humble opinion, warrant a dick punch.

there are many, many different situations that call for a dick punch. so many, in fact, that there is no way that i can include them all. what i will tell you is this: any incidences of asshatery, douchbaggery, or fucktarditis are prime opportunities to punch the dick into oblivion. it is up to you, dear reader, to determine if, when, and at what angle the dick punch should be administered.


i bet all of the men-folk reading this {if any}, are cringing and cradling their beloved little friends in a protective fist and wondering, "just WHAT IN THE FUCK is wrong with this here kitchen bitch?!"
fear not, menfolk. the dick punch is not just for us ladies. i bet there are fucking SHITLOADS of dicks you'd like to pulverize under your fists. admit it. i know this because some of the information and educational diagrams i will use for this post were found in "The Alphabet of Manliness", under C for Cockpunch {awesome book by the way}. this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are, in fact, dicks out there that not only deserve to be punched, but that some all but fucking PLEAD for it.  

figure 1

i see that some of you are still looking skeptical. rest easy, my dick-loving friends. the dick punch is a natural, instinctive reaction to asshats that has been so unfortunately suppressed by the societal pressures of civilization. you know, all that there bullshit about manners and tact. but we need not bow down and live according to social norms!! the dick punch is NATURAL. the dick punch is PURE. the dick punch is RIGHT. why, you can even find it in nature!! {see figure 1} 


in closing, i had wished to give some instruction as to dick punch techniques. but i feel that would take up a lot of space, so what i will tell you instead is this: if you can throw a fucking punch, you can punch a fucking dick. practice, try different angles, develope your own personal style to add that extra bit of flair to make it a bit more memorable. might i suggest jazz hands immediately following administration of the dick punch? i have also provided the following visual aides for your benefit. please see below. and remember: ANYONE can punch a dick, but NOT every dick should be punched. 

source: the alphabet of manliness

also from the alphabet of manliness