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Wednesday, 9 May 2012

your vagina is gangsta

a couple weeks ago, some friends and i were exchanging birth stories and whatnot. you know how it is: someone mentions pregnancy and/or labor and delivery, and EVERY chick in the place has a horror story. making babies is fucking HARD! 


anywho, i ended one comment with the phrase "my vagina is gangsta". it was hilarious at the time, but totally true. and you know what? if you have a vagina, it's not just a VAgina. that fucker is a THUG-gina. wanna know why? i'll fucking tell you.
above is a definition of thug from urbandictionary.com. except where they were saying "...a hick can be a thug, a prep can be a thug, an old ass man can be a thug".. well, they forgot to mention that A VAGINA CAN BE A THUG. 


fucking think about. most vaginas don't wear bling, and if they do it's obviously been done against their will. they have no voice other than the queef with which to speak against these injustices. have you ever done what a queef told you to do? wait.. fuck. never mind that. if you EVER hear voices from your vagina, you're in the wrong place. gtfo. call your obgyn or the vatican.  moving on...


vaginas have a rough life. they bleed, they take a pounding, they get fucking DEMOLISHED by childbirth. but you know what? you treat that vagina good, and it will treat YOU good. it does what's right. and by that i mean healing up so that sex doesn't feel like fucking a bowl of jello for your guy, and sometimes even popping out  more little humans. 


this is why i believe that the vagina is BY FAR the most bad ass motherfucker of a creation on this earth. YOUR vagina is gangsta. MY vagina is gangsta. old auntie edith's vagina is gangsta. got it? no? well fuck. time for a list to drive this shit into your head. 


our vaginas are gangsta because:


1. to quote dr. lisa from "the doctors", they are "self cleaning ovens". that's right, they clean their own damn selves!! 
2. they can make you feel DAMN good when treated right! now now.. stop with that blushing and shit. you know it's true. 
3. they can take a pounding like no other organ of the human body... and like it. enough said.
4. you use it to give birth to little people. that little hole can be stretched right the fuck out to accommodate a fucking KID... and if you do your kegels and shit, you won't lose any muscle tone down there. word. hell, after popping two 10lb hellions out of my twat, BF still marvels at how tight it is. TMI? well fuck off. shoulda known this shit was comin' when you read the title, bitch. 
5. have you ever seen the lengths that a man will go to get a piece of that? they fucking love it. pussy has the power to get even the biggest, baddest man to STFU and do your bidding, if you know how to use it right.


i really don't think i can emphasize this any more than i already have. open those legs and take a peek at that sweet little snatch of yours. you OWE YOUR LIFE to another like it, and most of you can create life WITH IT. and even though that fucker might bleed for a week or so every month, it more than makes up for that shit by making you feel so damn GOOD when you (or your significant other) touches it just right. add to that the fact that menstruation should actually be blamed on that motherfucking, hatin' ass uterus. 


bottom line: treat that THUG-gina good, it will treat you good. do those kegels, buy some cotton underwear so that poor fucker can breathe. better yet, go commando sometimes. don't be letting any old tom, DICK, or harry just come poking away at it. use some fucking protection. keep that baby clean and groomed all pretty. seriously, how would you feel if you were left unprotected and diseased, to stew in your own juices and hair, wrapped in polyester and leather?? you know what happens when you fuck around with a thug? a thug will fuck around with YOU. and a THUG-gina is no different. so unless you wanna walk around with a flaming toxic crotch, take care of that shit. 


now if you'll excuse me, i have a date with my favorite fucking gangsta in the whole world..