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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

HEY GUYS! wanna get laid tonight?

if wifey looks like this, chances are,
you are NOT getting any pussy tonight. 
i'm just a little fucking angry today, and i choose to channel that anger towards writing some really fucking useful shit. you know, because if i wasn't pounding away at this fucking keyboard, i'd be pounding the fucking roses {thorns first, of course} right into the asshole {or urethra.. my ovaries haven't decided yet just how mad i should be} of the man who lives with me that i fuck occasionally. i'll spare you the details because i fear that if i even attempt to regurgitate even one incidence out of the many incidences of douchebaggery that i was exposed to today, i might just fucking explode. and who the fuck would clean my entrails and smoking, splattered remains from the walls, floors, and ceiling? that's right. NO FUCKING ONE. 

what i will say is this: i am on the fucking rag and mood swingy enough that anyone with common sense who has been around me for even 25 seconds today should be able to see the big flashing "DON'T FUCK WITH ME TODAY" sign above my head. ok, so i don't actually have one, but fuck, i think i should. anyway..

you wanna get laid tonight? maybe you bought some shit for that special chick that you bang on the regular. or maybe you want to skip the tuesday night tv and are hoping those dinner reservations and all that other shit will get you into wifey's panties. OR maybe you just want to sit back with some porn and lotion and just fucking POUND your good 'ole winky half to death.  if you're doing the latter, this post is not for you. feel free to continue reading, but know this: i am mentally sending out cosmic deathrays {i don't know wtf i'm talking about} over the internet because i fucking hate you for being single. you lucky bastard. fuck off. 

ok. whew. sorry. too much anger and caffeine running through me at the moment.

anywhooo.... you wanna get laid right? and sometimes it is hard to fit in the sexy time with work, kids, dogs, cats, fucking APHIDS.. or whatever the fuck it is that you do that keeps you from busting the goddamned bed frame. so you think, "hey, motherfuckers! it's valentine's day! i'll get that bitch some {insert whatever the fuck she likes that you can afford here}, spout off some mushy shit i seen on twilight or found on the internet, and we will fuck 'til we scream {or 'til we get out of breath and light-headed because we haven't done so good on the new year's resolution of getting in shape}." 
well, that's a nice thought and all... but fucking GUESS WHAT?! 

1. flowers, candy, and jewellry {well, i could be wrong with the jewellry} are nice and shit.. BUT they do not have the power to erase from her mind what an inconsiderate, snivelling little cunt you've been yesterday or last week. AND those little tokens of your desire to continue having your dick sucked on the regular {because that is what it really boils down to, right?} do not mean that you will be automatically excused from, or suffer milder consequences from any future acts of asshattery. basically, if you're a dick, fucking STOP IT. 

2. women want to get laid too. BUT if you have kids, animals, or aphids {wtf?!} that need to go to school or even {gasp!!} be fed and cleaned up after, and you just hand her the roses or whatever other bullshit you hustled up for today before plopping your ass down and being the same old lazy cunt that you've been for the past 364 days, she's gonna be too fucking tired, annoyed, and downright disgusted with your pathetic ass to even blow a kiss at you, let alone suck your dick til you scream like the little bitch you are. you know what's sexy and that drops panties more effectively than any fucking bundle of dying vegetation, fattening candy, or going to eat in some pretentious shithole that she's really not in the mood for squeezing into nice clothes for? a fucking man that's secure enough in his own manhood to pick up a fucking broom, wipe some toddler snot, and maybe even fucking offer to make her something to eat! it doesn't even matter if you suck at those things {well, except for the snot wiping. how can you fuck that up, even if you are just a man? seriously}, at least fucking TRY. and don't just fucking do it today. PLEASE make an effort to be less of a useless bag of flesh on other days besides this one. it will be worth it, i promise. 
yeah we're bitches, and maybe even psychotic cunts sometimes.. but if you just TRY to not be a lazy fuckbag, she might just notice that shit. maybe, just maybe, she might decide against those anti-penetration sweatpants, and choose instead some sexy lingerie. 

now, lazy assholes of the internets, GTFO. did you honestly think i was going to give you a butt load of tips and tricks for getting into some panties tonight? HA! see, you're being fucking lazy again. fuck off with that. seriously. what i've given you here is the basics. i don't think you will have a very hard time figuring out other ways to not be a dick... and if you do, well FUCK. maybe you should have just stuck with the trusty jergens and porn. just sayin'

Saturday, 4 February 2012

kitchen bitch has a chat with ~My Inner Child Is a Drunken Whore~

recently i had the opportunity to interview everyone's favorite drunken whore: the mad genius behind the fb page, as well as a spankin' new blog, known to many as ~My Inner Child Is a Drunken Whore~

now if you haven't checked out her page or blog, i strongly urge you to do so now, because it is the shit! click HERE, fuckers.

anywho.. on with the interview :)


r&r: well, hello Whore! um, i can call you that right?
Whore: of course you can, everyone else does.

r&r: first things first.. are you watching the Superbowl? Who ya rootin' for?
Whore: yes i'm watching the game, and i'm voting for the PATRIOTS... mainly because i'd like to spank Tom brady's ass with a raw chicken.

{i heave a MASSIVE fucking sigh of relief that i'm not stuck interviewing one of those football hatin' bitches in need of a cunt punt}

r&r: you have a thing for raw chicken? or is it just that Tom Brady makes you crazy? {fucker makes me crazy too.. YUM}
Whore: meebee a leetle of both *wink wink*

{i find myself both afraid and weirdly excited}

r&r: you have a totally kick ass fb page, and more recently, a blog. when did you start, and why?
Whore: the page i started november 19, 2011 and the blog a couple weeks ago. as for why, most of my facebook friends are boring as fuck, and it was suggested that i am a funny bitch.. so i said, "hey, why the fuck not?" and that's how my baby was created.

r&r: thank fuck for boring facebook friends!! i don't know what i'd do without my favorite whore!!
what would you say is the best part of being a kick ass, sexxxy fb page admin?
Whore: rawrr... you think i'm sexy? you should say that again, but with your pants off ;)

r&r: o.O {demurely flashing a bit of leg}
*ahem* well, back to the subject at hand.. what is the worst thing about being a page admin?
Whore: trying to keep up with it between work and family. 

r&r: well, i think you're doing great! any troll horror stories you'd like to share?
Whore: i have this one particular horror story, but it would take too long and you know about it anyway. it's more of a TROLL HUNTER story though.
{i nod knowingly and shudder at the shared memory}

r&r: you are a drunken whore. what is your drink of choice?
Whore: drink of choice is nuvo (the pink kind)

r&r: wtf is in that flask? can i have some??
Whore: {giggling} i have roofie-laced nyquil and yes you can have some, BUT i will take advantage of you.. just a warning :)
{i think, "ehhh, what the hell?" and take a swig of the flask}

r&r: craziest thing you've drunk?
Whore: four loko---that shit is INSANE!
{alcohol AND caffeine? i think i love this bitch!!}

r&r: fuck, marry or kill-justin bieber, tom brady, prince?
Whore: FUCK tom brady, KILL justin bieber, MARRY prince
{yep, i love this fuckin bitch!}

r&r: do you have anything to say to any aspiring drunken whores out there?
Whore: just that they better stop aspiring, because i'm the only drunken whore around!

r&r: {throwing papers in the air} well, that's about all i got. wanna go get drunk and dirty?
Whore: take another sip of my flask and we'll see what happens ;)



Friday, 3 February 2012

on bieber fever, twitches, and shitty music

what in the sweet FUCK is with tween bitches {from here on in, i will refer to them as twitches} these days? i know, i know. that question is asked by every generation of adults regarding the kids of the day. but really, WHAT THE FUCK?
you guessed it. the subject of my puzzlement and hatred is justin fucking bieber, who has been whipping twitches {and sometimes even their mothers} into screaming, crying, fucking psychotic frenzies. and over what? a little asshole whose balls {if s/he has 'em} haven't yet made the journey out of his/her abdominal cavity. 

*sighs* i remember pop music back in my day, when i was a stupid little twitch. and it is those memories that make me wish that justin timberlake would take a fucking break from the movies and come back to music to show the little twitches of today what shitty pop music REALLY is. come back, JT!! come back with a record-breaking, sickeningly sappy-sweet hit single filled with subtle innuendos that not even adults can decipher, enough moonwalking, gyrating moves to drive them wild but not enough to creep out the parents, and, FOR FUCK SAKES, includes you dancing shirtless in the rain for no apparent reason. crush this little pissant under your heel, and bring back shitty music in its pure, natural form!!!

ok, so before i get too wound up, let me make something clear. as a twitch, i was a DIEHARD backstreet boys fan, and felt not much more than resentment and distaste for 'n sync as they outshined and eventually demolished the subjects of my many fantasy weddings. but for the purpose of this blog, i am beseeching JT to return only because i don't know what the fuck happened to the BSB. one is/was in rehab.. i don't fucking know. the point is, they obviously can't change the minds of today's twitches any more than i can wear a fucking string bikini with confidence.  

i will now show you, dear readers, how JT {as he was in 'n sync's heyday, before the solo career} could make all of today's twitches forget about that cute little antichrist known as JB.

twitches from any generation are assholes. which is why i believe that things were better {and safer for delicate egos} in my day. you see, back then, we had something called BOY BANDS. nowadays, twitches are divided into two camps, pro-bieber and bieber haters; bitterly glaring, whispering and pointing at each other from opposite ends of the cafeteria. either you like him, or you get pecked to death by the scores of junior hens that do {do little girls still pull that shit?}. 
with boy bands, you had 3-5 boys to choose from, with 4763492 DIFFERENT fucking boy bands to choose them from. something for every-fucking-one. obviously, i am an advocate for the return of boy bands. and who was the hottest, most screamed, cried, and mooned over boy band frontman EVER? justin motherfuckin' timberlake!

another point to consider is age. when JT first made it big, he was 16. he had already gotten past the awkward voice changing and growth spurts. basically he was only going to get hotter. he was the perfect age for pre-teen AND teen crushes. old enough to be mysterious, but not old enough to be anyone's father {remember, this was before teen mom and all that bullshit}. another reason 90s twitches swooned over him, was that HE WAS NOT THEIR OWN FUCKING AGE, because everyone knows that male tweens are fucking ASSHOLES. their idea of trying to show affection to a girl is to torment them incessantly, shoot spitballs at the backs of their heads, and pull their fucking hair. well... maybe they aren't so far off with the hair pulling, since some women {like me!} do enjoy it during certain intimate occasions. perhaps it is an instinct of sorts, that goes back to the caveman days. in any case, i'd rather have JT pulling my hair in that context than... FUCK. never mind. forget those last few sentences. jesus christ. 

ANYWAY... moving the fuck on.. how old was JB when he "made it"? fucking 12 or 13. WHAT THE FUCK TWITCHES? did you not ever wonder then if he would suddenly undergo a catastrophic voice change, growth spurt, or acne explosion? granted, he seems to have survived to the ripe old age of 17 without any of these career-ending  physical changes, he had NO BUSINESS trying to break into the entertainment world when that shit was a possibility. anyone remember aaron carter? HA! didn't think so.

despite all of the awkward physical changes that DIDN'T happen, it is rather nice fodder for daydreams. i often giggle to myself at the mental image of a stringbean-esque, pizza-faced JB with a voice that alternates between chipmunk and lifetime crack smoker. 
and imagine the fucking gnashing of teeth and screaming in the streets if this shit WOULD HAVE happened to little JB!! fucking twitches would have brought civilization to its knees with that shit. 

moving on to looks. JB isn't ugly, he's actually a cute kid. and by cute i mean i'd ruffle his hair {oops how'd that gum get in my hand? darn. i guess you'll have to CUT THAT FUCKING MOP OFF!}, give him a cookie, and send him on his way. even back when i was a twitch, a boy so pretty that he could be considered a girl was questionable crush material.  i certainly wouldn't have had that kind of mug plastered all over my fucking walls, ceiling, and door. but JT? even though i am *not* a fan, i am not dead or blind. he was and still is fucking downright EDIBLE. he did have a baby face and pouty lips, but there was NO FUCKING WAY you'd mistake him for a chick. i knew he had sex appeal before i even knew what the fuck that was. 

i know this might not make a bit of difference. JB will more than likely continue to make shitty music and rake in billions of hard-earned money from frazzled parents who will do anything to get their little twitches to shut the fuck up.. but i have hope that someday, somehow JT will stumble upon this humble blog of mine and heed my pleas for help. it's not too late, JT! your star hasn't faded. your career has survived into your adulthood, and you're not merely famous due to drug addiction, multiple marriages, or drama whore-dom. while i am not normally a fan of your type of music, i have {and sometimes still do} jam to some of your tunes. quite frankly, despite my prior devotion to BSB, you have outshined them even in my current playlist. {fuck off right now! everyone has a guilty pleasure!}
and NOW you're in movies! SNL! you're actually funny and a decent actor! i'm sure all that is just fucking peachy for you, but the fact of the matter is that you are needed NOW back on the music scene! for the love of all that is shitty and gag-worthy in pop music, PLEASE knock this little puke into the abyss of has-been teen stars and shitty reality TV. i bet dr. drew is fucking SALIVATING at the chance to counsel this kid one day.  DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN! DO IT FOR THE FUCKING TWITCHES! i have a daughter, mr. timberlake. as do a lot of other parents. give them something, ANYTHING to drool over besides THIS

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

the dick punch: a comprehensive guide

in today's society, asshatery and dougebaggery have become rampant, as well as the problem of fucktarditis, which has reached PANDEMIC proportions. since the world health organization has ignored my repeated attempts to have these important mental health issues brought to the forefront and discussed on an international level, i have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. 

there is only ONE proper and humane way to deal with asshats, douchebags, and fucktards. you guessed it, my darling pupils: the DICK PUNCH.

PLEASE NOTE: for any asshats, douchebags, and fucktarditis carriers that are lacking a dick, the cunt punt is another approved means of helping them to see the error of their ways. we will explore this issue in a future post. 

in case there is any confusion as to what i mean, this is the definition of dick punch that i am referring to. NOT the placing of one's penis in someone's drink, OR the punching of someone with one's penis. interestly, these other definitions describe quite nicely situations that do, in my humble opinion, warrant a dick punch.

there are many, many different situations that call for a dick punch. so many, in fact, that there is no way that i can include them all. what i will tell you is this: any incidences of asshatery, douchbaggery, or fucktarditis are prime opportunities to punch the dick into oblivion. it is up to you, dear reader, to determine if, when, and at what angle the dick punch should be administered.

i bet all of the men-folk reading this {if any}, are cringing and cradling their beloved little friends in a protective fist and wondering, "just WHAT IN THE FUCK is wrong with this here kitchen bitch?!"
fear not, menfolk. the dick punch is not just for us ladies. i bet there are fucking SHITLOADS of dicks you'd like to pulverize under your fists. admit it. i know this because some of the information and educational diagrams i will use for this post were found in "The Alphabet of Manliness", under C for Cockpunch {awesome book by the way}. this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are, in fact, dicks out there that not only deserve to be punched, but that some all but fucking PLEAD for it.  

figure 1
i see that some of you are still looking skeptical. rest easy, my dick-loving friends. the dick punch is a natural, instinctive reaction to asshats that has been so unfortunately suppressed by the societal pressures of civilization. you know, all that there bullshit about manners and tact. but we need not bow down and live according to social norms!! the dick punch is NATURAL. the dick punch is PURE. the dick punch is RIGHT. why, you can even find it in nature!! {see figure 1} 

in closing, i had wished to give some instruction as to dick punch techniques. but i feel that would take up a lot of space, so what i will tell you instead is this: if you can throw a fucking punch, you can punch a fucking dick. practice, try different angles, develope your own personal style to add that extra bit of flair to make it a bit more memorable. might i suggest jazz hands immediately following administration of the dick punch? i have also provided the following visual aides for your benefit. please see below. and remember: ANYONE can punch a dick, but NOT every dick should be punched. 

source: the alphabet of manliness

also from the alphabet of manliness